On Motherhood

I have this thing on my mind y'all, but it's a tough thing to talk about. I'm reluctant to bring it up (even to my husband) because I don't want to complain or to sound like a martyr. I've decided to write about it anyway because maybe the writing will be cathartic and then I can move on. I usually find that talking about a thing makes it feel like much less of a thing in my mind. Does that make sense?

So, here it is:

Motherhood is hard! See? I feel better already. ;)

Disclaimer: I love being a mom. I love it SO MUCH, and I love Emmett SO MUCH.

But lately I feel like I live my entire life for other people- I wake up in the morning and take care of Emmett, with barely enough time to shower, much less blow dry or put together an outfit that matches. Half the time I leave the house without even looking in the mirror! I rush to work, where if I'm lucky I  scarf down a nutrition bar while catching up on email. I pump once for every bottle Emmett eats during the day, and spend my 30 minute lunch break flying home, feeding the baby, and flying back to work. After work I rush home to frantically pick up the house and play with the boy for half an hour before giving him his dinner, a bath, and putting him to bed. Then I wake up at least two times every night to feed Emmett and help him back to sleep (I know, believe me, we're working on it), and after a terrible night of sleep wake up in the morning to start all over again.

I stress ALL DAY LONG about laundry and dishes and baths and more laundry and money and every little tiny thing that happens to Emmett during the day. I worry that I'm not spending enough time with him, or that the time we do spend together isn't quality time because I'm too busy worrying about laundry. I worry about all the things I'm missing and all the things I can't get done at the house until the weekend. I worry that my poor husband thinks I'm a terrible wife because he has to do the cooking and the dishes after dinner.

I haven't had a haircut in months. I haven't slept more than 3-5 hours in a row in even more months. I don't have money for clothes or shoes or make up. We don't eat out very often, and when we do it's rushed and stressful and just harder than it used to be. Ray and I haven't been on a date in... I couldn't tell you how long.

Lately I find myself getting frustrated, and even angry, over the littlest things. I'm sure some of this is hormones (have any of you mamas experienced this when your babies begin to wean?), and some is just pure exhaustion, but I'm starting to think that I need to figure out a way to take some time for myself. To unwind, to relax, to just be by myself or with my husband.

How do you do that as a mom? I never want to leave the baby on the weekends because I have to miss him all week. I can't relax when I'm out somewhere knowing I have a million things to do at home. I struggle to keep enough milk in the fridge for Emmett during the week, so giving him a bottle on the weekend isn't really an option.

I know this is a relatively short season in my life, and one that I will miss so much when my children are grown. I know that life won't always be this busy, and I won't always be this exhausted (that's true, right??). And I know that all of this is worth it, and that the good FAR outweighs the bad, but sometimes it get's to me y'all. Sometimes it's hard.

Here's a really cute picture of Emmett at 6 months old, because every blog post needs a photo, right?

UPDATE:
Isn't it funny how one day everything can pile up and weigh so heavy on you, and then the next day the laundry is done and there's milk in the freezer and you get a few hours of sleep and suddenly everything seems brighter? Just take a deep breath AK, tomorrow is another day.

A New Look!

As you can see the blog got a big redesign over the weekend, thanks to Erika at The Fairy Blogmother! She did a redesign giveaway on Instagram last week, and I was the lucky winner! (I know I've been annoying all of you who follow me in IG, but see?? It was worth it. :)

I am soooo thankful to Erika for being so generous, and for putting so much effort into the blog's new look! She was super nice and really easy to work with, so if you're thinking of adding any new features to your site, check her out here!

What do ya'll think of the new look?

Dear Emmett, 9 Months

Dear Emmett Boy,

You're getting so big! Your dad and I can't believe you're already 9 months old! You're still a tiny little guy (only in about the 3rd percentile for weight!), but to us you seem bigger and bigger every day. You've grown so much in the last month, since you've been eating non stop and using all your little muscles!

I remember my friends saying their favorite age for their babies was 9 months, and I totally agree! You are SO MUCH FUN lately! You're happy all the time, full of energy, and all you want to do is play! You wake up in the morning all smiles, so excited for the day, and you don't stop smiling until your little head hits your mattress.

Each morning when you wake up, we bring you into bed with us and try to sneak in a few snuggles. You are so sweet early in the morning- so excited to see us and you're still so soft and warm from sleep. You eat the most first thing in the morning, which makes your mama happy since you're way too busy to nurse these days. This week your favorite thing to do is give your mama raspberries on my belly, which makes us all laugh and laugh! But once you see little Bagel the snuggles are over! You get so excited and scream and yell until we let you play with him. You love that dog so much!

Poor Bagel. You spend most of your day chasing him around the house and pulling on his ears and tail. Every time you get distracted and Bagel finally gets to rest, you discover him all over again- you get this funny little look on your face like you can't wait to go torture him some more! Your favorite thing to do with your food is grab it in hand-fulls and throw it down for Bagel. He loves it and you laugh every time.

Here's a little Vine video of Emmett sharing his dinner with Bagel (Do ya'll have that app? So fun!). More here and another really cute one here.

Up until this week, you've been eating so many new foods! Whenever your dad or mama or your aunt Lulu are eating, you get really excited and beg for us to let you have some too. You've been eating turkey sausage, beans, avocado, corn, vegetables, a little pork, and everything else you see us eating.

Trying eggs and sausage at an Easter pool party!

Wanna try some mama?

Such a silly boy!

But this week something crazy has happened that's made you eat a lot less than normal... You're finally cutting teeth! Your two top teeth are popping through, so your poor little mouth is hurting. I couldn't believe it when I saw that tiny little tooth coming through your gum. I was so excited and so proud of you, but also a little sad because this means you're growing up! You haven't been sleeping very well (what else is new!) since we found that little tooth, but you're still so happy all day long. Your mom and dad are pretty tired, but we know you'll get back to normal soon.

Your aunt Lulu (my sister Lucia) is your nanny, which makes you a very lucky boy! She loves you so much and plays with you all day long, which makes your mama very happy. We love not having to worry about you while we're missing you at work, and you love going for walks with her. She took you to the pool today for the first time this summer, and you loved it!! Lulu can't wait till it's warm enough to swim all day.

I took this picture of you while I was home on my lunch break today. Your tongue has been out ALL WEEK since your little teeth started coming through!

I still have such a hard time leaving you at home to go to work every day baby boy. You're so much fun right now, so all I want to do is stay home and play with you! I wish I could stay at home with you every day, so we play as much as we can in the mornings and evenings. I kiss you a thousand times before I leave, and another thousand times when I come home to make up for all the ones I missed during the day. Your dad and I never want to leave you on the weekends because we love having whole days to spend all together. Whenever you are sleeping we talk about how we miss you and can't wait till you wake up!

Hanging out with Daddy after work yesterday!

So excited to see you after work today!

You are so wild! You wake up ready to go and don't sit still for a second all day long. You try to stand up by yourself now- you pull yourself up on something and then just let go and stand for a couple of seconds, and everyone's heart stops while we count the seconds! Your record is still just a few wobbly seconds, but it's pretty exciting to watch you try. You're getting better at moving around now too. You crawl SO FAST and you walk around the coffee table holding on with one hand now. You love the stairs, and can get up them so fast! We stay right behind you the whole time though because you're totally fearless and try to stand up while you're climbing. You always go for the most dangerous thing you can find- like the stairs in our house, or the sidewalk if we're playing in the grass outside.

Playing in the grass today. You love getting dirty!

You have been way too busy to nurse lately, so I look forward to our time together when you are really sleepy just before bed. You wake up in the middle of the night at least a couple of times still to eat, but I don't mind too much. I like to think it's because you miss me too during the day, so you wake up just to spend a little extra time with me at night. :)

You're filling our days (and nights!) with so much joy baby boy. We love you more every day, and we can't wait to watch you grow and learn more and more as you get older. You're such a good, sweet, happy boy, and you make your mom and dad feel like the luckiest parents in the world!

Here we are on Easter Sunday! It's a weird photo but we don't get very many all together!

I love you sweet Emmett boy!

Your mama