Sleep. Or you know, lack there of.

We miss sleep. We really, really, really miss it.

Emmett has never been a good sleeper. He goes to bed every night, like clockwork, between 6:30 and 7, and "sleeps" until 6 or 6:30. Or at least he did until this week. This week he's tired right on cue at 6:30, we do our normal bedtime routine- bath, lotion (we live in a desert, after all), prayers while I rock him and nurse him a little, and then lay him down with his pacifier while he's awake but sleepy. But then just when I think he's fallen asleep, he pops up again and plays in his crib for a few minutes before crying and crying until I go to check on him. I pick him up, give him a hug, he wants to nurse, so I sit down to rock him some more. Then he doesn't want to nurse, but wants to stand up and laugh and play. What is happening?!

He's never slept through the night. Never once. We've had a handful of nights where he only woke up once in the 12 hour night, but the usual is 2-4 wake ups. Okay the usual is 3-4 wake ups, but really usually 4 lately.

When he wakes up he won't go back to sleep until I pick him up, rock him and nurse him. Then he's out again in less than 5 minutes, easy peasy. If I don't go in and nurse him, or if Ray tries to go in and give him his pacifier and shush him back to sleep, Emmett will cry for an hour or (last night) two before I finally cave and go get him. Pick him up, give him the boob and then he's out within 2 minutes.

We've tried sleep training, we've tried letting him cry it out, we've tried it all. And it worked once, for about two weeks when he was 6 months old. He would still wake up 3 times a night, but he would let Ray go in and give him his pacifier and go right back to sleep. Then he started teething and became inconsolable unless I went in to nurse him back to sleep.

I'm not writing this because I want advice. I've come to realize that so many families have figured out ways to get their babies to sleep, but for us, I feel like it's too late. We missed the sleep training boat months ago, and now we're stuck with a terrible sleeper. My only hope is that one day (soon) our boy will just figure it out on his own, become less dependent on me to help him back to sleep, and he'll learn to go back to sleep on his own when he wakes during the night. Or not, and we'll continue to live on too little broken sleep. We've done it for almost a year now, so I guess we're pretty used to it, and it can't get much worse..... right?

The other part of all of this, and maybe the root cause of all of our sleep troubles, is separation anxiety. Emmett's and mine. We miss each other all day long, so when I'm home, baby boy just needs his mama. He takes really good naps every day, and puts himself to sleep for naps and for the night every day, so I know he can do it. But when he wakes up in the night, he just wants his mama. He wants me to hold him and comfort him. He just wants to know I'm there. I'm home. I haven't left him again.

It's heartbreaking. It's painful. It's hard. I'm so tired, so exhausted, so worn out, all the time. But I miss him just as much as he misses me, and I love the time we spend together in the night. Just the two of us, rocking and holding him tight.

We're getting even less sleep than normal this week, and I'm feeling like Emmett's separation anxiety is at it's peak. He seems desperate for attention from me when I'm home, so I'm doing my best to shower him with love and kisses and cuddles. I know he'll sleep better soon. We'll go from 4 wake ups to 3, then to 2, and one day he'll sleep through the night on his own. And then he won't be my little baby boy anymore, the one who needs his mama so much. He'll be big and strong and independent, and I'll miss these nights, hard as they are, so badly.

Taking a walk at 6 this morning, after a LONG night and a 5:30 wake up call. But the hat! Oh the hat.

Keepin' It Real Mondays! {3}

I'm linking up with Corinna over at Track 8 this morning for the third installment of Keepin' It Real Mondays!

We had a rough weekend y'all. We are working around the house trying to get ready for Emmett's 1st birthday party next weekend, so Ray and his parents spent Saturday and Sunday tearing up the nasty ripped carpet from the landing in front of the front door, and then replaced it with hardwoods. You can imagine the dust and destruction, and as always, the project took a lot longer than we'd hoped. I had to keep Emmett out of the house all day, and it was impossible for him to nap at home because of the sawing and hammering. All of that plus the mess that was inevitably created was a tad bit stressful, especially since I have to work all week so I was hoping to clean, organize and decorate for the party over the weekend.

But to be honest, all of that stuff was fine, and even sort of fun. The end result is a huge improvement, and it was really fun being able to spend two afternoons, just Emmett and I, running around and just being together. Such a rare treat!

I know now, after some reflection and a well-deserved stern talking-to from my long-suffering and normally very gentle husband, that the weekend was rough because I made it rough. I had a bad attitude, and let my bad mood affect my family.

Friday evening I read this article about the early weeks with a brand new baby, and it stirred up so many emotions and so many painful things that I have been holding on to all these months. I immediately felt like I was right back in that time, so bogged down with frustration and sadness and all the things I never expected to feel after Emmett was born. That time was hard. I was so in love with my baby boy, but I had to go back to work (from home) 9 days after he was born, so I was recovering and trying to learn how to be a mama and all I wanted to was to hold my brand new baby. Instead I had to work full time and pass little tiny Emmett off to Ray (who had 6 weeks of PAID paternity leave), only getting to cuddle him when it was time to feed him.

I cried every day during those weeks. I felt so robbed of that long awaited, incredibly precious time with my brand new family. It took me a few months to let go of the anger and frustration I was holding on to, and reading that article made me realize that I haven't totally let go at all. So that's how I began our weekend, and it didn't get better until my husband snapped me out of it last night.

So now I know I have to deal with those feelings, process them, and then let them go, for real this time. There's nothing I can do to take back those few weeks, so it's time I move on and stop punishing myself (and my family in turn) with the guilt and anger and frustration that still lingers.

It's time for me to stop worrying about the things in my life that I can't change, and to start appreciating- really appreciating- the things that I do have. My husband, who loves me at my worst. My sweet baby boy, who's growing up so fast. I am so blessed to have them, and I don't want to waste another minute letting stress or discontentment or worry get in the way of peace in my home.

Here's a little video of Emmett walking around the house with a stool, just to lighten the mood:

I know these Keepin' It Real posts are supposed to be light and funny, but this week I just had a lot on my mind. I promise to bring back the short & sweet bad slash real mom post next Monday!

And again, I hope it isn't cheating to link one post to two link-ups, but as this post is about my weekend, I don't feel bad about linking with Annapolis & Company's Our Weekend too. I love that blog so much recently- beautiful photos, honest writing, and a nautical theme. What more could you want in a blog??

DIY Painted Twine Garland

I'm not crafty y'all. Not at all.

But Emmett's first birthday party is coming up (my baby boy will be ONE in 11 days!), and I'm trying to plan a Pin-worthy party for like no money, so I decided to craft.

I've been eyeing Confetti System's gorgeous tassel garlands for years now, so when I found these babies on Pinterest the other day, I decided it was time to make my own.

Inspiration garland taken from theminimalist.com.au

I invited my friend (and super-crafter) Rachel over on Saturday to help me, and I love how they turned out! Here's how we did it:

We made the tassels out of regular (and cheap!) garden twine from Ace Hardware by cutting tons of twine into similar lengths, bunching them together, and wrapping the top bits in more twine. We left one piece of twine in a loop over the top to hang them.

I had some leftover sea blue/turqoise paint from our kitchen remodel, so we used that rather than trying to dye the twine. We painted each strand, leaving a few inches at the top just like the yellow inspiration garland. I left the tassels outside over night to dry, and then pulled them apart and reshaped them in the morning.

To hang them, I strung them on a long piece of twine, tying a knot around each tassel so they don't slide around, and hung them in the playroom/dining room/hallway/living room under our Happy Birthday banner!

Before re-shaping the twine. Ignore the mess on the floor. This room is multipurpose.

And a couple of close-ups of the finished garland:

All in all, I'm pretty pleased with them (and myself for being so creative!). I might even hang them somewhere in the house permanently after the birthday party is over. 

I still can't believe my baby boy is about to be a year old. I remember the day we brought him home from the hospital like it was just yesterday. I sure do love that little guy!