We had a rough weekend y'all. We are working around the house trying to get ready for Emmett's 1st birthday party next weekend, so Ray and his parents spent Saturday and Sunday tearing up the nasty ripped carpet from the landing in front of the front door, and then replaced it with hardwoods. You can imagine the dust and destruction, and as always, the project took a lot longer than we'd hoped. I had to keep Emmett out of the house all day, and it was impossible for him to nap at home because of the sawing and hammering. All of that plus the mess that was inevitably created was a tad bit stressful, especially since I have to work all week so I was hoping to clean, organize and decorate for the party over the weekend.
But to be honest, all of that stuff was fine, and even sort of fun. The end result is a huge improvement, and it was really fun being able to spend two afternoons, just Emmett and I, running around and just being together. Such a rare treat!
I know now, after some reflection and a well-deserved stern talking-to from my long-suffering and normally very gentle husband, that the weekend was rough because I made it rough. I had a bad attitude, and let my bad mood affect my family.
Friday evening I read this article about the early weeks with a brand new baby, and it stirred up so many emotions and so many painful things that I have been holding on to all these months. I immediately felt like I was right back in that time, so bogged down with frustration and sadness and all the things I never expected to feel after Emmett was born. That time was hard. I was so in love with my baby boy, but I had to go back to work (from home) 9 days after he was born, so I was recovering and trying to learn how to be a mama and all I wanted to was to hold my brand new baby. Instead I had to work full time and pass little tiny Emmett off to Ray (who had 6 weeks of PAID paternity leave), only getting to cuddle him when it was time to feed him.
I cried every day during those weeks. I felt so robbed of that long awaited, incredibly precious time with my brand new family. It took me a few months to let go of the anger and frustration I was holding on to, and reading that article made me realize that I haven't totally let go at all. So that's how I began our weekend, and it didn't get better until my husband snapped me out of it last night.
So now I know I have to deal with those feelings, process them, and then let them go, for real this time. There's nothing I can do to take back those few weeks, so it's time I move on and stop punishing myself (and my family in turn) with the guilt and anger and frustration that still lingers.
It's time for me to stop worrying about the things in my life that I can't change, and to start appreciating- really appreciating- the things that I do have. My husband, who loves me at my worst. My sweet baby boy, who's growing up so fast. I am so blessed to have them, and I don't want to waste another minute letting stress or discontentment or worry get in the way of peace in my home.
Here's a little video of Emmett walking around the house with a stool, just to lighten the mood:
I know these Keepin' It Real posts are supposed to be light and funny, but this week I just had a lot on my mind. I promise to bring back the short & sweet bad slash real mom post next Monday!
And again, I hope it isn't cheating to link one post to two link-ups, but as this post is about my weekend, I don't feel bad about linking with Annapolis & Company's Our Weekend too. I love that blog so much recently- beautiful photos, honest writing, and a nautical theme. What more could you want in a blog??
I've had a few of those weekends lately too girl! Tough emotions to work through, but oh so rewarding.
ReplyDeleteThanks Susanna! I'm sure so many mamas have a tough time in the early weeks, for so many reasons.
DeleteThis is a GREAT post. I can't believe you had to work so soon after having Emmett...that's a killer. There's so much guilt and so many difficult things about being a working mom. I LOVE my job, and I still struggle all the time. I try to tell myself all the wonderful things about being a working mom, and the positive impact it will have on Evie, but some days I don't believe it :) I read that article too, and it's a good one. Those first few months are not really always as magical as you think they'll be.
ReplyDeleteThanks Corinna! I'm so glad I have friends who know what it's like. It's hard- just hard. I enjoy my job too, but I'll never get used to leaving my baby at home each day.
DeleteEvery few weeks it all builds up and I have a few hard days, but once I'm on the other side of it I feel so much better. Writing these silly blog posts is like therapy. :)
Been there, done that. They get better! Thanks for sharing. Your little guy is adorable.
ReplyDeleteI've been right there with you lately. My youngest just turned one last week and I see her going going through the same stages that her big sister went through not too long ago. Becoming a mom was a huge change for me. While I love every moment of it, its so not easy, especially emotionally.
ReplyDeleteIt helps me too sometimes to remember how short the infant stage is, in the grand scheme of things. As cheesy as it is, sometimes that does help me to not lose my mind...to remind myself that right now she needs SO much of me, but there will be a day, not far from now, when she doesn't want to spend time with me.
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