Thursday, September 19, 2013

One Foot In Front Of The Other

The contractions started on Friday night. They weren't strong, and only lasted for a couple of hours. The next day they were worse, but still only lasted for a couple of hours at a time and then stopped. Sunday morning there was nothing, just the bleeding that's become my normal. Then Sunday afternoon as Emmett napped, I lay on the couch with Ray timing contractions until they seemed like one big contraction, never slowing or easing for more than a few seconds at a time. I felt the urge to push, so I went upstairs. Still, when it happened I was shocked. Maybe in shock is more accurate. I couldn't believe it was happening, and I couldn't believe the pain I felt in that moment.

The physical pain was bad, but not as bad as I expected it would be. But the pain in my heart was like nothing I've ever experienced before. It surprised me too, scared me and tore me apart and then left me feeling numb. While it happened I cried ugly, loud, awful cries- sounds I'd never made before and I'm sure my husband had never heard before. He sat outside the bathroom until I called for him. There was fear and worry in his voice when he asked if I was okay. I'm not sure if I answered but I wasn't okay. I was just pain and hurt and more pain, nothing else. A mama without her baby.

Then it was over, and I was so tired. I'm still so tired. I told a friend yesterday that I don't think I've processed it all yet. I don't think it's hit me. I feel peaceful, a little numb, but the pain is gone. It comes back for a few moments, out of the blue, and my eyes fill with tears and I choke on the sobs welling in my throat. But mostly I'm just moving forward, minute by minute and day by day, one foot in front of the other.

There is so much to say, but I can't say it yet. I can't even think about it too much yet. I need to heal, to process, to keep moving forward. We feel broken, but at the same time we feel more whole than before. Closer together and stronger than we were. We're doing okay.

Thank you for your prayers, for your kind words and advice. You helped me through some of the hardest days and weeks of my life so far, and for that I am tremendously grateful. Thank you.

2 comments:

  1. Oh Anna Kate, it broke my hear to read this. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. You are so brave to share this with others, but I know this will help another woman who's been through it. I will be keeping you and Ray in my prayers. I also know how hard it is for a husband to watch his wife suffer and feel so helpless. I know you are strong and will get through this...especially with your little saint praying for you. Many blessings...

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  2. I wish I had seen this sooner. Just saw it tonight. I'm always here to talk.

    You will be ok, I promise you. It feels like you're going to break into a million pieces, but you will survive it. And I know you both will look back and see how your marriage and family was made stronger. Not a day will pass now that you don't think about Heaven, because that's where your sweet baby is. I promise you it will make you a better wife and mother, because forever you will have your eyes fixed on Heaven in a way you never have before. Emmett will be lucky to have such a special advocate in Heaven looking after him.

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