Thursday, September 26, 2013

Some Days Are Hard

I'm having a hard day.

We lost our baby less than two weeks ago. Since then, I've been flooded with peace and even joy. I focused on the positive- my little family, the people I love most. I appreciate them now more than I ever have, and feel overwhelmed with love for them. I even appreciate the last few weeks, the pain and sadness and loss, because I know it's made me stronger, and made my family stronger. And I feel blessed to have been given those few short weeks with my baby. I cherish that time I got to spend with him, the time I was given to love him while he was here with me.

Things have been good. And then last night, I lay on the couch before bed just looking around our home. I saw the photos on our wall, beautiful photos of Emmett as a baby and all of the love and joy we've experienced over the last 14 months with him. All of a sudden the sadness washed over me. I thought of all of the things I was looking forward to during this pregnancy. The first time I'd see his little face, the first kisses, smiles, cuddles. All of the things I am going to miss came flooding into my head and hit me like a ton of bricks. So far it happens like that. I'm okay- I'm moving along and playing with Emmett and life is good, and then bam! Everything hurts and I have trouble focusing and it's like a sudden fog has rolled in and I can't see my way out.

I know I'm not alone in this. I read Corinna's post today about her struggles after losing her sweet Celeste, and I know that she has really hard days too. Probably a lot more and a lot worse than mine. It's probably like this for everyone who's lost someone. Sometimes it's just hard, and it hurts. There's nothing to do except let it come. Let the pain wash over me, feel it and then wait till it passes. It will pass, and I'll be okay.


1 comment:

  1. You are wonderful, and are doing wonderfully, right where you are. I think you're right to let it happen and just be present to it and let it pass. That's all you can do, really. It stings, and there will be many, many things that bring those feelings back to the surface, even when you least expect it. The only peace I feel is to focus on what has been added to our family through our loss, which is that we don't let a day pass that we don't think about Heaven, and I know it will be that way for Evie as she grows. There's nothing I could want more for her than to keep her eyes fixed on Heaven. We're praying for all of you. xoxoxo

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