Wednesday, April 10, 2013

On Motherhood

I have this thing on my mind y'all, but it's a tough thing to talk about. I'm reluctant to bring it up (even to my husband) because I don't want to complain or to sound like a martyr. I've decided to write about it anyway because maybe the writing will be cathartic and then I can move on. I usually find that talking about a thing makes it feel like much less of a thing in my mind. Does that make sense?

So, here it is:

Motherhood is hard! See? I feel better already. ;)

Disclaimer: I love being a mom. I love it SO MUCH, and I love Emmett SO MUCH.

But lately I feel like I live my entire life for other people- I wake up in the morning and take care of Emmett, with barely enough time to shower, much less blow dry or put together an outfit that matches. Half the time I leave the house without even looking in the mirror! I rush to work, where if I'm lucky I  scarf down a nutrition bar while catching up on email. I pump once for every bottle Emmett eats during the day, and spend my 30 minute lunch break flying home, feeding the baby, and flying back to work. After work I rush home to frantically pick up the house and play with the boy for half an hour before giving him his dinner, a bath, and putting him to bed. Then I wake up at least two times every night to feed Emmett and help him back to sleep (I know, believe me, we're working on it), and after a terrible night of sleep wake up in the morning to start all over again.

I stress ALL DAY LONG about laundry and dishes and baths and more laundry and money and every little tiny thing that happens to Emmett during the day. I worry that I'm not spending enough time with him, or that the time we do spend together isn't quality time because I'm too busy worrying about laundry. I worry about all the things I'm missing and all the things I can't get done at the house until the weekend. I worry that my poor husband thinks I'm a terrible wife because he has to do the cooking and the dishes after dinner.

I haven't had a haircut in months. I haven't slept more than 3-5 hours in a row in even more months. I don't have money for clothes or shoes or make up. We don't eat out very often, and when we do it's rushed and stressful and just harder than it used to be. Ray and I haven't been on a date in... I couldn't tell you how long.

Lately I find myself getting frustrated, and even angry, over the littlest things. I'm sure some of this is hormones (have any of you mamas experienced this when your babies begin to wean?), and some is just pure exhaustion, but I'm starting to think that I need to figure out a way to take some time for myself. To unwind, to relax, to just be by myself or with my husband.

How do you do that as a mom? I never want to leave the baby on the weekends because I have to miss him all week. I can't relax when I'm out somewhere knowing I have a million things to do at home. I struggle to keep enough milk in the fridge for Emmett during the week, so giving him a bottle on the weekend isn't really an option.

I know this is a relatively short season in my life, and one that I will miss so much when my children are grown. I know that life won't always be this busy, and I won't always be this exhausted (that's true, right??). And I know that all of this is worth it, and that the good FAR outweighs the bad, but sometimes it get's to me y'all. Sometimes it's hard.


Here's a really cute picture of Emmett at 6 months old, because every blog post needs a photo, right?
UPDATE:
Isn't it funny how one day everything can pile up and weigh so heavy on you, and then the next day the laundry is done and there's milk in the freezer and you get a few hours of sleep and suddenly everything seems brighter? Just take a deep breath AK, tomorrow is another day.

6 comments:

  1. Believe me, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Everything you're going through is so familiar! I wish I had the answer to how to fix it though! I do think it's so important to get out with the husband for a date at least once a month or so...but I admit, it's hard to relax when you feel guilty for leaving. Kemi planned a date once and I ruined it by being mad he "sprung a date on me" and made me miss time with Evie. I was a total jerk. So I guess the best thing is to try to compartmentalize...when you're with baby, focus only on baby, when you're the hubs, give him undivided attention...easier said than done, though! It's the worst to feel like everyone needs you and you can't be 100% for anyone or anything. And don't worry about the housework! Laundry can wait! Babies are only babies for like, a second. :)

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    1. Corinna,

      Ha! Poor Kemi thought he was doing something nice.. I would have reacted the same way! That's exactly how I feel- like I can't give 100% to anyone because I'm always thinking about a hundred things, etc. Thanks for your comment. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this!

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  2. YES YES YES! You summed up it perfectly, AK!! During lawschool I constantly CONSTANTLY experienced the same mental battle. I just had my first hair cut in over a year. I can't remember the last time I had time to get ready. Nor the last date stu and I had. BUT once little man becomes more independent you'll also gain some as well. Cherish the baby, look forward to his growth, but, most importantly, nurture your physical/mental health bc you'll be a better mom if you do. You're doing great, love! So proud. One day at a time!! Love, rachael t. ;)

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    1. Rach,

      So glad you got yourself a haircut! Although that long hair was so gorgeous on you. :)
      Thanks for the encouragement. I know this will pass, so I'm just doing my best to enjoy it while I can. I think this is mostly brought on by Emmett's teething, which has meant even less sleep than normal. Love you!!!

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  3. Beautiful post, you summed it up so well. There's ALWAYS guilt on every side, regardless of where you choose or have to invest your time. But rest assured, you're an awesome mom! And congrats for continuing to breastfeed through it all. Pumping is hard work.

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    1. Thanks Morgan! It is definitely hard work, but it's become such a part of my routine.. I think I might miss it when I don't have to pump anymore! ;)

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