On Motherhood

I have this thing on my mind y'all, but it's a tough thing to talk about. I'm reluctant to bring it up (even to my husband) because I don't want to complain or to sound like a martyr. I've decided to write about it anyway because maybe the writing will be cathartic and then I can move on. I usually find that talking about a thing makes it feel like much less of a thing in my mind. Does that make sense?

So, here it is:

Motherhood is hard! See? I feel better already. ;)

Disclaimer: I love being a mom. I love it SO MUCH, and I love Emmett SO MUCH.

But lately I feel like I live my entire life for other people- I wake up in the morning and take care of Emmett, with barely enough time to shower, much less blow dry or put together an outfit that matches. Half the time I leave the house without even looking in the mirror! I rush to work, where if I'm lucky I  scarf down a nutrition bar while catching up on email. I pump once for every bottle Emmett eats during the day, and spend my 30 minute lunch break flying home, feeding the baby, and flying back to work. After work I rush home to frantically pick up the house and play with the boy for half an hour before giving him his dinner, a bath, and putting him to bed. Then I wake up at least two times every night to feed Emmett and help him back to sleep (I know, believe me, we're working on it), and after a terrible night of sleep wake up in the morning to start all over again.

I stress ALL DAY LONG about laundry and dishes and baths and more laundry and money and every little tiny thing that happens to Emmett during the day. I worry that I'm not spending enough time with him, or that the time we do spend together isn't quality time because I'm too busy worrying about laundry. I worry about all the things I'm missing and all the things I can't get done at the house until the weekend. I worry that my poor husband thinks I'm a terrible wife because he has to do the cooking and the dishes after dinner.

I haven't had a haircut in months. I haven't slept more than 3-5 hours in a row in even more months. I don't have money for clothes or shoes or make up. We don't eat out very often, and when we do it's rushed and stressful and just harder than it used to be. Ray and I haven't been on a date in... I couldn't tell you how long.

Lately I find myself getting frustrated, and even angry, over the littlest things. I'm sure some of this is hormones (have any of you mamas experienced this when your babies begin to wean?), and some is just pure exhaustion, but I'm starting to think that I need to figure out a way to take some time for myself. To unwind, to relax, to just be by myself or with my husband.

How do you do that as a mom? I never want to leave the baby on the weekends because I have to miss him all week. I can't relax when I'm out somewhere knowing I have a million things to do at home. I struggle to keep enough milk in the fridge for Emmett during the week, so giving him a bottle on the weekend isn't really an option.

I know this is a relatively short season in my life, and one that I will miss so much when my children are grown. I know that life won't always be this busy, and I won't always be this exhausted (that's true, right??). And I know that all of this is worth it, and that the good FAR outweighs the bad, but sometimes it get's to me y'all. Sometimes it's hard.

Here's a really cute picture of Emmett at 6 months old, because every blog post needs a photo, right?

UPDATE:
Isn't it funny how one day everything can pile up and weigh so heavy on you, and then the next day the laundry is done and there's milk in the freezer and you get a few hours of sleep and suddenly everything seems brighter? Just take a deep breath AK, tomorrow is another day.