Thursday, November 14, 2013

A Good Lesson

Lately in my life, God isn't allowing me to get comfortable. After the turmoil and general unsettled-ness of our first year with little Emmett, I felt like we'd entered into a fairly comfortable, though stressful (working full time, etc) routine. Emmett was sleeping relatively consistently, we had a plan in order for when my sister moved home to Georgia, and we were starting to save money.

And then I found out I was pregnant. We hadn't been trying exactly, but we'd decided that we were open to another baby whenever God decided to give us one. At first I was scared, worried about how we were going to make it all work. I was afraid of having to work full time with two babies, because my experience with working so much during Emmett's first year was just, so difficult. But after a few hours the fear fell away and was replaced by excitement. I was so happy. Ray was just happy right away- he knew that everything would be okay and we would make it work.

We began to plan for our future. We had long conversations about what we wanted to do and where we wanted to be. We decided that we were going to begin really planning ahead, and start making decisions about our future. Would we stay in Arizona or move to Georgia to be closer to my family? In Georgia, we could afford for me to work less, so for the first time in our marriage, we started considering a move.

And then I started bleeding, and after three long weeks I miscarried. In the middle of all of that heartache and confusion and pain, my boss cut my hours at work in half. All of our plans- our growing family, thoughts of moving, our immediate plans for Emmett's daycare (my sister moved home the week I lost little Oliver), and our financial future were all up in the air again. Everything we were planning changed.

We began to heal and move forward. We changed our plans, and scrambled to move out of our house and put it on the market. We moved in with Ray's parents. We put Emmett into daycare part time and slowly started to settle into a routine again. I've really loved being home with Emmett part time. We've started to see our friends more and have felt more a part of a community in the last month or so than we have since having Emmett. Things have been peaceful.

Then a couple of weeks ago, my boss came to me and asked me to come back to work full time. Once again, I was faced with life-altering decisions. I love being home with Emmett more. It's been a dream come true for me, and I've seen so much good fruit come out of it. He's more peaceful. He's more secure and generally happier now that he isn't afraid I'm going to leave all the time. I knew in my heart that going back to work full time just wasn't an option, but I was (and am) afraid that I would lose my job if I turned down the offer to work full time. In the end I chose part time, and I'm happy with the decision I made.

God is keeping us on our toes. He isn't letting me stay comfortable for long. He's stretching me, teaching me. Each time some new issue arises, I fight. I vent and complain and gnash my teeth. I forget that I'm supposed to trust Him. That's the lesson he's trying to teach me- Trust Him. He has a plan for our family, we just can't see it yet. We won't live in my in-law's garage apartment forever. For now, I am so grateful that my in-laws have a garage apartment for us to live in. We are so lucky and so loved, and I am so grateful that I'm able to spend more time with my son these days.

I just need to trust. Everything will work out just as it's supposed to.





2 comments:

  1. You're not alone. The wondering and worrying just makes you a good mama! You're doing an amazing job and Emmett is such a sweet and loving boy because of the love you show him!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! You're sweet to say that. I'm working on being thankful for everything that I do have, instead of stressing or worrying about everything that's gone wrong. :)

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