Currently

Linking up with A Mama Collective for Currently!

Thinking about: Christmas! Mostly Christmas gifts, and how I'm going to pay for them! I'm really excited about the challenge of getting great gifts for everyone on a reeeeeaally tight budget this year!

Reading: The Inspector Rebus series! I'm currently on A Question of Blood (book 14! Yikes!). I'm really into British crime novels. I've read the Sherlock Holmes stories more times than I can count, so I was really happy to stumble across the Rebus novels because there are a million of them to keep me busy. :)

Listening to: The new Arcade Fire, Lorde (can't help it!), and Volcano Choir. But I'm on the lookout for a great Christmas radio station, either on Spotify, iTunes Radio, or Pandora. Suggestions?

Watching: Ray and I just finished the last season of The Newsroom. OHMYGOSH I'm obsessed with that show! The dialogue is so well done- perfect writing and perfect acting. I can't say enough good things. We watched the first episode of Bonnie & Clyde last night. Pretty good so far and I'm interested in seeing the next one. Also dying for the new season of Sherlock!

Thankful for: My little family. Emmett has been so sweet and happy lately. We spent the weekend smiling and giggling with eachother and it was such a nice departure from last week with the constant "mamamamamas" and fussiness. Looks like he's finally over the awful cold he's had and we're getting back on track. I'm excited for Christmas with my family. I'm excited for scaled-down gift lists and just enjoying the memories we're making together this year.

 

Tonight At Trader Joe's

Tonight I ran to Trader Joe's to pick up a cheap bottle of wine and some fig butter (thanks Corinna for the recommendation!). As I walked into the store I noticed a woman and child across the parking lot holding a sign that said "I don't have a job. I need food for my two children. Please help." I wanted to do something for her but I was in a hurry so I went ahead and bought my groceries and ran back out the door. On my way out I gave the woman the money I had in my wallet, which wasn't much, and was glad I was able to help in some small way.

As I drove off, that small joy I felt vanished as I thought about a hundred other ways I could have helped that little family. I should have bought her a bag of groceries. I don't know if she has access to an oven or microwave, but I could have bought bread and cheese and bottled water. I should have asked if they were cold. I should have given her the warm gloves I had in my pocket and given my scarf to the little girl. I should have bought a hot chocolate from the bookstore next door to warm her little children. I was in a hurry, but I could have spared some time to talk to her, ask her what she really needs. I should have asked her how I can pray for her. I should have given her the coat off my back.

I could have done more to help her, but I was too caught up in my own little agenda. I was worried about my own family at home waiting for their dinner. Ray and I have never had a lot, and money is especially tight now that I am working part time, but we have enough. I worry about Christmas presents and paying for flights home to Georgia for the holidays, but we have food on our table every night and warm beds to sleep in. We have what we need. There I was buying fig butter and wine while a small family was begging for food just a few feet away.

I haven't been able to let go of the image in my mind of that woman and her child, brought low and asking for help. Or the look on her face when I offered what little help I could. I pray for that family, that they will be blessed in the coming days and weeks. That God will pour out his blessings on them, and that their basic needs will be met. I pray for the mother, that she won't have to worry any more about how she's going to feed her babies each day. And I pray for her children, that when they're older they remember their mother as she was tonight, sacrificing her pride to feed her children.

I can't imagine what it must be like to want for food and water, for shelter and warmth. I hope that I'll always remember that little family and that I will always be grateful for the ways that God provides for me and my family. And I hope that next time I'm given the opportunity to help someone in need, I will do better. Please Jesus, make me better.

Holiday Recovery

The weeks following a holiday are always tough. Especially when said holiday was smack in the middle of a week long vacation. And even worse when said vacation was spent at home with my family. Gah, I love those people and miss them a thousand times more after being with them for a solid week. When I'm home I'm in this happy little bubble. Packing up and heading to the airport is like bursting that bubble- real life comes rushing back in like bad air being forced into my lungs. I always spend a couple of weeks afterwards in a funk, questioning my life and so crazy homesick I almost can't handle it. Eventually things get back to normal and I get used to our life again and I remember that I'm where I'm supposed to be, at least for now.

We're all in recovery. Ray's doing fine as far as I can tell, but he sees that it's hard for me so it's hard for him too. Emmett has been super clingy and hasn't stopped saying "mamamamamama" all day long since we've been back. He senses that we're home again and life has to go back to normal. He cries when I drop him off at school again and follows me into the bathroom. He always has a hard time adjusting after a week spent all together. I don't blame him- it's hard for me too.

Whenever I'm in Georgia my mind just reels with questions. Why do I live so far away from here? Why are we in Arizona again?! How can I live so far away from all of these people I love and need so much? How can I bear to tear Emmett away from them and break their hearts when we leave again? Could I live here again, after all these years? Which place is better? Which place is better for Emmett? Where are we supposed to be? Is there a right answer?

Ray says there isn't a right answer, and I think that's true. We love living where we do. We love our city and the weather most of the year and the friends we have here. We're starting to build a community and we love that. There are so many things that make sense for us here, but there are struggles too. Here I will always have to work. Here we struggle to pay our bills more often than not. There, we have so much family and so many friends and would fit right into an amazing community of people. Emmett would have so many little friends and cousins and would grow up surrounded by family. Most of the people I love are there and they love us and Emmett so much. There, we could relax. I could work less and spend more time being a mama to our kids (if/when we have more). But it's a small town and there isn't much to do and there isn't anything attractive about the place itself, other than the people.

So there isn't a right answer. At least not on paper. Right now I'm trying to be confident in the fact that this is where God has us, and this is where we're meant to be. For now. Maybe that will change one day. I hope it does, because y'all, I miss my brothers and sisters and my parents. They are so important to me and such a huge part of who I am and I need them in my life so badly. Watching them love on Emmett and watching him getting to know them is my very favorite thing. It makes my heart so happy and full. I would give anything to bring all of the people and all of the good parts of both places together into one perfect place, but until then, I will stay put, and do my best to be content.

Cousins

Ree- Emmett's biggest fan!

Papa!! The world's best grandpa.