Our Child is a Terrorist

Don't freak out everyone, he's not really a terrorist. Unless you're his mom, or his dad. Then he's definitely a terrorist.

This last week, Emmett started throwing tantrums. Insane, loud, ugly, mean, nasty, day-long tantrums. We have no idea where they came from, but they are here y'all, and they are crazy! When he wants me to pick him up, tantrum. When he wants me to put him down half a second later, tantrum. He used to sign "please" or "more" or "all done", but no more. Now it's just screams and screeches and flailing and more screams.

Since he started daycare last week, he's been super attached to me. "Mamamamama" all day, always wanting to be held, pulling on my shirt begging to be nursed (we're working so hard to wean him, but he's not having it). He wakes up 13 times a night just screaming/screeching and calling for me, then falls asleep again, so tired. Separation anxiety is the worst!

We spent the weekend trying to head off tantrums, taking him to a birthday party, to the park, to the splash pad, to the bookstore, just doing anything we could to keep him busy and distracted so he wouldn't yell at us. We're afraid of our own son! Okay that's a major exaggeration, but not really. He's terrifying right now.

I know he's just getting used to a new schedule, new people, new places. I took a lot of time off the last few weeks, so he's become used to me being home most of the time. He freaks out when I leave him, and even follows me into the bathroom. If I leave him at all, it's big fat tears and screams and flailing. It's so sad! He's just playing me though- as soon as I'm gone he's happy, playing with his toys or his friends until he sees me again. Then it's more screams and tears, just enough to punish me.

He's mostly really sweet and fun, but those tantrums are killing us! We've had a rough few weeks, and it's easy to forget that everything going on in our lives affects Emmett too. Poor little thing is just trying to figure it all out and get used to his new schedule. So am I, so I can't blame him!

Balloon obsessed at a friend's birthday party.

Warming up in the sun after running through the sprinkler.

Shivering at the splash pad!

Baby boy loves to be upside down these days. Whatever it takes!

Finally, Peace

The last few weeks have been hard. Okay, the last few months have been hard. At times I felt like they were the hardest few weeks of my life. Work has been incredibly stressful, Emmett has been teething and then sick and then teething and then sick, so we haven't slept much. Money has been tight. But it was more than that.

I've been angry, frustrated, sad and stressed out. I've never been angry before, but over the last few weeks I felt angry almost all the time. Not about anything in particular, but about everything. I couldn't explain it, and I didn't understand it. Poor Ray didn't know what to do. He'd tell me to just let it go, but I didn't know how. It came out of nowhere and I didn't know how to deal with it. I let it take me over, and my family suffered so much because of it.  I would snap at my husband and even at Emmett. I was having trouble sleeping- I'd wake up in the night full of anxiety and fear. I worried all day and all night about nothing and everything.

I felt so hopeless, so helpless, and so alone. I was angry at myself for feeling so awful all the time and for being so awful to my family. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mama, to have a family and to love them. I love Emmett so much, but all of a sudden the time I spent with him felt exhausting and I was so overwhelmed. I was racked with guilt because I wanted to be a good mom to him, to love every minute with him, but I couldn't find my way back to that.

I felt like such a failure, and hated myself for it. I wanted to be better for Emmett, my sweet baby boy who deserves me at my best. Everything felt so dark, so bleak. I didn't know how I would get through each day.

I wondered if some of my anger and sadness might be hormonal. I thought it was strange how deeply the little problems and frustrations in my life were affecting me, and how strong my reactions were. I felt like I had no control over myself and my emotions, and I didn't like the way I was behaving. I felt out of control, which was scary and only added to my stress and frustration.

And then this week everything changed. I felt a peace come over me that changed every aspect of my life. I am able to really, truly enjoy the time I spend with Emmett again, and he's even started sleeping better. I'm in love with my husband again. I'm able to leave the stress I'm feeling about work at work. I finally feel like my normal, happy self again!

Last weekend I got my first period in over 22 months. Just over a year after Emmett was born. I had a feeling that some of my crazy emotions were related to the stress that breastfeeding was putting on my body, and now I know that is true. My body felt sort of.. out of whack some how, and now I feel like myself again- physically and emotionally.

I've read about the effects that weaning can have on your mood, causing mood swings and even depression, but I never thought that was happening to me. I was breastfeeding still, not actively weaning, so it never clicked. Now I know I was stuck in a fog of depression and anxiety, and I'm so glad to be on the other side of it.

I remember reading this post before I had Emmett and told myself to remember it when it came time to wean, but I still didn't put two and two together. I wish I'd realized what was happening sooner. Maybe I could have done something to ease the pain I was feeling or at least helped my family to understand what I was going through.

Have any of you mama's experienced depression related to weaning, or know someone who has? 

Dear Emmett: Almost 11 Months

Dear Emmett boy,

You'll be 11 months old on Saturday! I can't believe it- one more month until you're a whole year old! I try not to think about that too much because I don't think I'm ready. You're getting big, baby boy.

You're doing so many things that I love right now! You chase the dog around the house, dying laughing whenever you catch up to him. You love to drive him crazy. You have a little dump truck that you "drive" around the house- you stuff it full of all your toys and Wubbanubs and push it all over the place running behind it. I can't believe how fast you move! You love to be chased by us and crack up whenever you realize we're following behind you.

You LOVE to swim! Your Aunt Lulu takes you swimming almost every afternoon, and your favorite thing is to lay on your belly in her arms kicking and splashing. Being in the water with you is so much fun! Bath time every night is your second favorite thing, after swimming. I give you your bath each night, and I love to put my feet in the water and play with you until you get all wrinkly and tired out.

You're eating like crazy- anything and everything we eat. You huff and puff and fuss when you see anyone eat anything until we share a bite with you. Your favorite food is meat. Any meat. When there is meat on your plate, you eat it all first before touching your veggies or fruit. Can't blame you for that!

You still love to nurse, maybe more than ever, and I love spending that time with you first thing in the morning and in the evenings after work. (And 2-4 times in the night...) Whenever you want to nurse you pull on my shirt now and fuss and make silly noises until I feed you. I think it's probably time for us to wean you, but I don't think either of us are quite ready.

You still love sitting in your little chair in your room. Every time we're in your room you crawl over to your chair and slap it until we pick you up and sit you down. Then you smile your funny little closed-mouth smile and say "yaaaaaaaay" in an almost whisper. It's pretty awesome. You dangle your little legs over the edges and then reach for us to pull you back down to the floor so we can do it all over again. We don't mind though, since it makes you so happy.

You love stuffed animals. Your mom has been collecting funny little stuffed animals since before you were born, and we've been taking a new one out every week or so to introduce you to. You're always a little shy at first, but after a couple of minutes you grab your animal and give them a big bite/kiss on the nose, and then you're fast friends. I'm not sure why, but every time you pick up one of your animals you smile a huge smile and bite/kiss them right on the nose. We love it.

A couple of weeks ago you discovered the doggy door. You are a brave boy, so you crawled right through it onto the patio without any hesitation! You scared your Aunt Lucia half to death, but we all thought it was pretty funny anyway. We're locking it now so you don't disappear outside when we're not looking!

You're repeating a few sounds and even learning a few "words" lately! You say "uhoh" when you drop or throw something on the ground, which is about 3,000 times a day. You say "dada" all day, but you've been saying it whenever your dad comes into the room or smiles at you, so I really think you know it means daddy. Your Mim taught you to say "up" whenever you climb up our legs and want us to pick you up, which we think is pretty smart and awesome! You say mamamamama a lot, but you've only said it to me a few times so I don't think you've got that one down just yet. I can't wait to hear you really talking, telling me about your day and letting me into that perfect little mind of yours. Oh my gosh it makes me so happy to think about that!

Your dad and I think you'll be standing on your own and then walking in no time! You still crawl around, but you prefer to be on your hands and feet than on your knees, and you'd much rather be walking around the table or couch or anything else you can hold on to. You've started to let go and stand by yourself for a few seconds at a time, but you always catch yourself and drop to your bum when you realize what you're doing. We love to watch you learn and grow so much.

Your mom is still your favorite, thank God. You love your dad and your Aunt Lulu and everyone else in our family, but you prefer your mom all the time. You always want me to hold you, and smile and wave now whenever I walk into the room. It makes my heart swell! You're such a sweet boy.

You make your mom and dad so happy Emmett boy. You're amazing and smart and funny and cute! We wouldn't change a single thing (except your sleep habits!) about you. We think you're perfect!

I love you Emmett, more than anyone has ever loved anyone in the whole history of the world. I'm so happy I get to be your mama!

You love crawling around in the grass lately!

The other day I got up early with you and headed to the park.
We shared some fruit for breakfast in the grass and played on the swings for a while.
It was so special and fun!

Those teeeeeeth!

Visiting your mama at work- always makes my day so much better!

On Weaning, And Working (Blah Blah Blah)

Silly boy!

Tonight, as I sat perched on the edge of the toilet, both hands holding Emmett's waist while fighting to keep him sitting in the bath (all of our keep-baby-in-the-bath apparatuses are failing us these days), he launched himself over the side of the tub and landed face-first in the pile of shampoos and conditioners and body washes I'd previously removed to limit distractions. You know, to help keep him sitting in the bath. 

We LOVE straws y'all.

He screamed and cried and I scooped him up and hugged his little wet self to my chest and wrapped him in a towel. He laid his little head on my shoulder and we sat in the rocking chair in his room and settled in for a minute (or two!) of snuggles while he calmed down. My sister (Emmett's live-in babysitter) heard the commotion and came to see what was going on. When Emmett saw her, he cried out and he REACHED for her. Not for me. For HER.

Do ya'll hear that? The sound of big fat (metaphorical) tears hitting the floor and all of my fears being confirmed in one heart-wrenching heart-breaking heart-crushing moment? All this is to say that (cue even more melodrama!) leaving my baby at home each day to go to work is ruining his life (and mine)!

Okay, maybe not ruining. But I mean come on it really feels like it sometimes! I know my baby loves me best, I know he knows I'm his mama and 99.99% of the time he prefers me over everyone else, but that one time when he didn't was just too much.

So what am I to do? I have to work. I have to. (See how I'm saying that mostly to convince myself?) So I guess all there is to do is get used to it. Suck it up. Learn to love it? Nope, that's taking it too far.

I called my dad crying and crying one day, at my wits end and wanting him to fix it for me. I wanted him to know I was in pain and to fix it. Instead, he called me out. (Thanks Dad!) He said my attitude was awful, that women all over the world leave their children to go to work every day. That I was living in self-induced misery, always complaining and wishing things were different, and I was letting  my bad attitude run my life. I was driving my husband and my friends and everyone crazy and I needed to change my attitude. He was right. He told me the only way to fix my situation is to embrace it. To find ways to enjoy it. And to pray that God will change my circumstances in time.

And so I did. And do, every day. But sometimes (about every two weeks or so..) it all builds up and I just miss my baby so much and I just want to be home with him so much. So I stress and I cry and then I do my best to let it go.

Meanwhile, on weaning:

This weekend Ray and I are leaving Emmett behind for four days to go to a friend's wedding in San Diego. Did you catch that? LEAVING EMMETT BEHIND for four days. Four days. That's not really all that long, right?

My mom is flying in tomorrow to help keep Emmett while we're gone, since Lucia is flying home to Georgia to take her finals on Wednesday. My mom will take great care of him and she's so excited to have some time alone with him for once. She flies home on Sunday and Emmett will go stay with my Mother-In-Law Sunday and Monday. So of course he'll be taken care of. And I'm sure the whole thing will be harder on me than on him. At least I hope so.

And y'all, Ray and I need a break (I hate saying that- how could a mama need a break from her baby, who she misses all the time??). Some time together. And some SLEEP. I'm really looking forward to the sleep.

But Emmett wakes up at least twice a night, and he won't go to sleep until I come in and hold him and rock him and nurse him. I know that's something I could fix if I tried really hard but to be honest, as tired as I am ALL THE TIME, I love that time together at night. I don't get to breastfeed during the day so.. Anyway why am I trying to explain this to y'all. It is what it is. Will my mom be able to get him back to sleep? Will they both be up all night and miserable and tired the whole time I'm gone?

And then there's the milk issue. I've been working so hard for months, knowing this trip was coming, to put as much milk as possible in the freezer. I've pumped and I've pumped but in the end I only have about 11 bottles. Baby boy has 5-7 bottles (or bf sessions) a day, which means I'm like... 2 and a half days short. And so...... formula.

I hoped I would never have to give him formula. I know it's not a big deal, I know so many mothers give their babies formula for so many different reasons, and I think that's great. But I set a goal to breastfeed exclusively until Emmett was 1, or until he showed signs of wanting to wean (he hasn't), and now I feel like I'm failing. I know, I know. I know I'm not failing. I'm proud of myself for making it this long feeding him breast milk exclusively while working full time, but it FEELS like I'm failing.

The point to all of this:

My life is hard! My life is harder than all the lives!

Okay, maybe not ALL the lives..