April 24, 2014

I made a cake to mark the passing of this day. My little Oliver's due date.

I wanted to do something to celebrate that little life we held for such a short time. So I baked a cake, and took my time on it. As I mixed the ingredients I thought about the baby I'll never get to hold in this life, waiting for me up in heaven. I'm sure there are tears mixed in with the batter. And I thought about this year, and everything our little family has been through.

My heart is full, even as it's breaking a little bit today. I miss that little baby, that tiny life that would have been. My head is spinning thinking about what our life would be like if I'd been able to carry him to term. We'd be expecting a baby any time now, folding tiny clothes and talking to Emmett about the little brother he's about to meet. I've cried so many tears thinking about all the things we're missing today. But I'm also grateful.

I'm grateful for my husband, who loves me unconditionally. Who stands by me and holds my hand and kisses my forehead for no reason at all. I'm thankful for my Emmett, who's all my dreams come true. That boy has filled my life to the brim. I miss my little Oliver, but my heart is full.

I'm so thankful God chose me to be his mama, even for just a few short weeks. He changed my life.

We planned a trip to the cemetery after Ray got home from work, but it seemed the world was against us. The freeway was closed, and our car wouldn't start (dead battery). I cried fat tears of disappointment. Then Ray said we should get up and go first thing Saturday morning. "He probably would have been born late anyway, like Emmett," he said with a smile and that brightened me right up. Ray was right, as always. It's not about today, it's about remembering our loss, our baby boy. It's about doing something as a family to show our Oliver that we haven't forgotten him, that we love him. So after a while, we charged the car and went for a burger.

When I woke up this morning, I was happy. It felt like a bright, new day, full of possibility and wonder. Emmett woke up with a croupy cough, so we didn't go to our friend's house to babysit like we do every Thursday. It was nice to have a day here at home, just Emmett and I, to play and just be together. I think that was a little gift from my Oliver.

Friday Thoughts

When I wrote this post the other day, I was a little bit worried that I might rub people the wrong way. That was absolutely not my intention, but this is such a difficult topic. We moms are a fragile bunch in some ways. We all suffer from mom guilt, and it's so easy to compare our decisions to those of other mamas. So when I talk about how working from home has been a huge blessing for me, and how it's helped me to achieve my goal of being home with Emmett full time, I don't meant to imply in any way that my decision is the only good one.

The way I see it, every single mama is different. Every single family is different. What works for me may not work for you, and that's fine! What I want for my life and my family may not be what you want for yours. And that's great! I have friends who work full time, some who work part time, and others who don't work at all. Each one has her struggles, and each one has her joys.

I have friends who are struggling with their work/life/mom balance right now, and I should have been sensitive to that when writing that post. I am incredibly blessed in my life right now, but it hasn't always been that way. I have struggled, and felt lost and unsure and like I was making all the wrong choices. I am lucky to be on the other side of that now, and I'm praying for those friends who are struggling to find what works for them.

Emmett was so sick yesterday. I've always dreaded the day he had his first stomach bug, and it was just as bad as I'd imagined! He was so panicky every time he would throw up and my heart would just break watching him so sad and confused. He got better little by little throughout the day though and is much better today, thank God!

My little sister's roommate's father was struck by a car today as he took his daily walk with his wife. He was killed on impact and his wife is in critical condition. My heart is breaking for that family, for my sister's dear friend. I can't imagine the pain she must be feeling, and I hate that my sister is having to experience the agony of loss along with her friend at such a young age. What a cruel, awful tragedy.

My own dad is such an important part of my life. I miss him every single day, and can't imagine what life would be like without him. I honestly can't imagine it. I'm hugging my family tight today and praying constantly for those who are missing loved ones. Especially the ones who's wounds are so fresh.

We have lots of out-of-town friends in for a wedding this weekend, so we can't wait to start celebrating with them! I hope you all have a happy, safe and joy-filled weekend!

P.S. If you're looking for the perfect weekend breakfast tomorrow, try this! ;)

Oliver Keller

We buried our baby this morning. His name is Oliver Keller.

The Diocese of Phoenix owns a beautiful cemetery and mortuary here in Gilbert, just down the road from us. Queen of Heaven has a burial program for miscarried and unborn babies, absolutely free of charge to the families. All of the babies are buried together in a beautiful spot beneath a beautiful statue of the Holy Family. Isn't that amazing?

I've never heard of a program like this anywhere else. Our doctor encouraged us to go through with the burial and I am so thankful that he did. It was such a wonderful gift. Queen of Heaven lets you plan the service, with no guidelines or rules, and encourages you to do whatever makes you and your family comfortable. We chose to spend some time with the baby under the shade of a big, old tree, as a family. We read a couple of scripture passages and then Ray carried Oliver in his tiny little casket to the place he is buried and placed him in the ground. Emmett helped to put some flowers in his grave and then we all helped to bury him.

It was such a gift. That's the recurring thought running through my head today. What a gift. My doctor and his staff have been such a gift to me during this time. The kind and gentle people at Queen of Heaven were such a gift to us during the planning process. The burial itself was a special gift that I will treasure forever. My husband and my little Emmett are gifts in my life that I've opened all over again because of this loss, and our sweet little Oliver is a gift for all of us.

I feel so blessed to have had him, growing in me, for a few short weeks. I learned so much from him, and I know that will continue. I loved him so much while I had him, and love him so much still.

One of the scriptures we read today was Psalm 118:17:
I shall not die, but live, and proclaim the works of the Lord.

I wrote a little letter to my Oliver today, to say aloud at his funeral service:

"Little Oliver,

My dad gave me that passage when I was so afraid of losing you. He told me to hold on to it, to make it my mantra, and I did. When he gave it to me we were talking about hope, still praying and hoping that I would carry you to full term and you would be born a healthy, perfect baby boy. But I think my dad knew that this scripture would help me if we lost you, too.

Even though your little body has died, I know that you live on in heaven with Jesus. And you do proclaim the works of the Lord, to me. You've given me a renewed Faith. You've given me new love and appreciation for your daddy and for Emmett, and everyone we love. I know God gave you to me, to care for you for a short time, and I know He is keeping you safe now, in heaven. I know you're waiting for me there, and because of that you have brought me closer to heaven. Your short little life has given me so much little Oliver.

I will always be your mama, I will always love you, and I will never forget you."

Until yesterday, I hadn't planned on sharing his name with anyone. I wanted it to be private, for only Ray and Emmett and I. I wanted to hold his little name in my heart, and only to hear it spoken in our home, within our family. And then yesterday I had to go to the office of Vital Records to obtain a fetal death certificate in order to bury the baby. I heard the woman who helped me say his name out loud. Oliver Keller. And I burst into tears. It hit me then that no one else would ever say his name. No one else will know about him unless I share his story with them. And so I decided not to keep him for myself, but to give his name away to all of you, so that you'll know it and remember him along with me.

After the burial we got to ride in a golf cart. So fun!

After the service we went across the street to a little pumpkin patch to let Emmett run around. He loved it and it was nice to be outside, watching him have fun. 

Aren't these two cuties just too much in their matching shirts??

It's a beautiful day here in Arizona. Another little gift from God. This afternoon we will celebrate the marriage of our friends. What a wonderful reminder that life moves on, so fast, and there is so much beauty in the world. I will cherish this morning forever.

Some Days Are Hard

I'm having a hard day.

We lost our baby less than two weeks ago. Since then, I've been flooded with peace and even joy. I focused on the positive- my little family, the people I love most. I appreciate them now more than I ever have, and feel overwhelmed with love for them. I even appreciate the last few weeks, the pain and sadness and loss, because I know it's made me stronger, and made my family stronger. And I feel blessed to have been given those few short weeks with my baby. I cherish that time I got to spend with him, the time I was given to love him while he was here with me.

Things have been good. And then last night, I lay on the couch before bed just looking around our home. I saw the photos on our wall, beautiful photos of Emmett as a baby and all of the love and joy we've experienced over the last 14 months with him. All of a sudden the sadness washed over me. I thought of all of the things I was looking forward to during this pregnancy. The first time I'd see his little face, the first kisses, smiles, cuddles. All of the things I am going to miss came flooding into my head and hit me like a ton of bricks. So far it happens like that. I'm okay- I'm moving along and playing with Emmett and life is good, and then bam! Everything hurts and I have trouble focusing and it's like a sudden fog has rolled in and I can't see my way out.

I know I'm not alone in this. I read Corinna's post today about her struggles after losing her sweet Celeste, and I know that she has really hard days too. Probably a lot more and a lot worse than mine. It's probably like this for everyone who's lost someone. Sometimes it's just hard, and it hurts. There's nothing to do except let it come. Let the pain wash over me, feel it and then wait till it passes. It will pass, and I'll be okay.