The contractions started on Friday night. They weren't strong, and only lasted for a couple of hours. The next day they were worse, but still only lasted for a couple of hours at a time and then stopped. Sunday morning there was nothing, just the bleeding that's become my normal. Then Sunday afternoon as Emmett napped, I lay on the couch with Ray timing contractions until they seemed like one big contraction, never slowing or easing for more than a few seconds at a time. I felt the urge to push, so I went upstairs. Still, when it happened I was shocked. Maybe in shock is more accurate. I couldn't believe it was happening, and I couldn't believe the pain I felt in that moment.
The physical pain was bad, but not as bad as I expected it would be. But the pain in my heart was like nothing I've ever experienced before. It surprised me too, scared me and tore me apart and then left me feeling numb. While it happened I cried ugly, loud, awful cries- sounds I'd never made before and I'm sure my husband had never heard before. He sat outside the bathroom until I called for him. There was fear and worry in his voice when he asked if I was okay. I'm not sure if I answered but I wasn't okay. I was just pain and hurt and more pain, nothing else. A mama without her baby.
Then it was over, and I was so tired. I'm still so tired. I told a friend yesterday that I don't think I've processed it all yet. I don't think it's hit me. I feel peaceful, a little numb, but the pain is gone. It comes back for a few moments, out of the blue, and my eyes fill with tears and I choke on the sobs welling in my throat. But mostly I'm just moving forward, minute by minute and day by day, one foot in front of the other.
There is so much to say, but I can't say it yet. I can't even think about it too much yet. I need to heal, to process, to keep moving forward. We feel broken, but at the same time we feel more whole than before. Closer together and stronger than we were. We're doing okay.
Thank you for your prayers, for your kind words and advice. You helped me through some of the hardest days and weeks of my life so far, and for that I am tremendously grateful. Thank you.
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Hope
Today was a good day. I woke up early, spent a few minutes in prayer before everyone else woke up. I had a beautiful and uplifting text from my brother Micah waiting for me, as well as emails and messages from family and friends letting me know they were praying for us. That set the tone for our morning- we were peaceful and happy and calm. I expected to be a mess but instead I felt happy. I think all of your prayers gave that to me, so thank you.
The ultrasound was hard. The waiting room was full of beautiful pregnant women, some with older children, some there to find out the sex of their babies and there were lots of smiling faces. That made the waiting easier. We told the ultrasound tech everything that we've been experiencing the last few weeks and he was kind and understanding. While he did the ultrasound he and the nurse didn't say anything, and that was hard. We weren't sure what we were seeing, but we knew there was no heartbeat.
Straight away after the ultrasound they took us in to another exam room and said the doctor wanted to see us. We were still thinking this was molar, still expecting the worst and braced for it. I broke down and cried for a few minutes, and Ray held me and comforted me, and then we were strong together. After a few minutes the doctor came in with our beloved nurse, and said the magic words: "We see a baby."
There was no heartbeat, but the doctor said the baby is barely measuring at 6 weeks, and is just on the cusp of when we normally begin to see a heartbeat. We didn't have my chart available to say for sure when we conceived, and I was in shock so I didn't think to try to remember the dates myself. I didn't think to ask a lot of the questions I wish I'd asked- I had prepared for worse news than this so I didn't think of questions for this scenario beforehand. He told us what to expect in case we do miscarry, but he said he's not sure that we will. He said there is hope, but prepared me for a miscarriage as well.
They took blood to check my hormone levels again. If my progesterone has plummeted we'll know to expect a miscarriage, but we won't get the labs back until Monday. The doctor told me he's seen women with much heavier bleeding than I'm experiencing go on to have healthy pregnancies and carry their babies to full term. The nurse was full of similar stories.
I am so relieved that we have a baby. A little soul to love and hold on to, either here with us or in heaven. I know there's a good chance we will miscarry, and the next few days and weeks could be very hard. I'm preparing myself for that. But we also have hope. Beautiful, merciful, incredible hope. So I'm choosing to hold on to hope, to pray for this little baby in my belly, for a miracle. I'm choosing to hope, even though it may mean more let down and more pain in the end. I'm choosing hope, because I want this baby and I love this baby and I know that God loves me, even more than my mama heart can imagine. He'll take care of me, and my tiny little angel baby, and He's holding us tight tonight.
The ultrasound was hard. The waiting room was full of beautiful pregnant women, some with older children, some there to find out the sex of their babies and there were lots of smiling faces. That made the waiting easier. We told the ultrasound tech everything that we've been experiencing the last few weeks and he was kind and understanding. While he did the ultrasound he and the nurse didn't say anything, and that was hard. We weren't sure what we were seeing, but we knew there was no heartbeat.
Straight away after the ultrasound they took us in to another exam room and said the doctor wanted to see us. We were still thinking this was molar, still expecting the worst and braced for it. I broke down and cried for a few minutes, and Ray held me and comforted me, and then we were strong together. After a few minutes the doctor came in with our beloved nurse, and said the magic words: "We see a baby."
There was no heartbeat, but the doctor said the baby is barely measuring at 6 weeks, and is just on the cusp of when we normally begin to see a heartbeat. We didn't have my chart available to say for sure when we conceived, and I was in shock so I didn't think to try to remember the dates myself. I didn't think to ask a lot of the questions I wish I'd asked- I had prepared for worse news than this so I didn't think of questions for this scenario beforehand. He told us what to expect in case we do miscarry, but he said he's not sure that we will. He said there is hope, but prepared me for a miscarriage as well.
They took blood to check my hormone levels again. If my progesterone has plummeted we'll know to expect a miscarriage, but we won't get the labs back until Monday. The doctor told me he's seen women with much heavier bleeding than I'm experiencing go on to have healthy pregnancies and carry their babies to full term. The nurse was full of similar stories.
I am so relieved that we have a baby. A little soul to love and hold on to, either here with us or in heaven. I know there's a good chance we will miscarry, and the next few days and weeks could be very hard. I'm preparing myself for that. But we also have hope. Beautiful, merciful, incredible hope. So I'm choosing to hold on to hope, to pray for this little baby in my belly, for a miracle. I'm choosing to hope, even though it may mean more let down and more pain in the end. I'm choosing hope, because I want this baby and I love this baby and I know that God loves me, even more than my mama heart can imagine. He'll take care of me, and my tiny little angel baby, and He's holding us tight tonight.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Tomorrow We'll Know
Thoughts, as I try to prepare for our ultrasound tomorrow:
We had blood work done on Monday, and for the first time, my HCG levels didn't double the way they should have. They were still in the "normal" range, but lower than they should be. My doctor noticed that my thyroid is enlarged last week, so she also checked my thyroid levels this time. They showed that my thyroid is over-active, which is the opposite of what the doc expected to see.
When she called me on Tuesday to tell me the results, she said that my hormone levels were all normal, but that the slightly lower than ideal HCG level was making her worry. She said that it seems like something "weird" is happening with this pregnancy, and mentioned something called a "molar pregnancy". She explained what that means but I couldn't really take it in on the phone.
A molar pregnancy is when an egg is fertilized and tissue grows, but instead of becoming a baby, it becomes an abnormal mass. Your body believes it is pregnant, so you experience all of the symptoms of early pregnancy. Until eventually you start to see other symptoms that aren't normal- spotting/bleeding, intense nausea, hyperthyroidism. Check, check, check.
We don't know for sure that's what's happening with me yet, but all of the pieces fit. So, tomorrow's ultrasound will show us one of three things: a healthy baby with a beating heart, a baby with no heartbeat, or a mass of tissue that never was a baby at all.
I haven't told anyone about this yet, except our parents. I can't bring myself to say the words out loud or even in a text message. Somehow telling people makes it real and the horror in my head becomes reality. I'm not sure why writing about it here is easier for me, it just is.
I'm trying to hope for the best and brace for the worst, but to be honest I'm just expecting the worst. I can't get past those words- abnormal mass of tissue. Benign tumor. Not a baby. How am I supposed to wrap my head around this?
How am I supposed to trust my body after this? How can this possibly be part of God's plan for me, for my family? How am I supposed to face my family and friends who are excited and praying for our little baby? What if there never even was a baby?
These last few weeks feel like a cruel, evil joke. Trouble at work causing us to completely rethink our lifestyle, on top of intense fear and anxiety and sadness over possibly losing our little angel, and now this. I just want to run and hide and never have to face that exam room tomorrow. I don't know if I can handle what I think we're going to see on that tv screen. We'll be in the same room where we first saw Emmett's little heart beating. Where we first knew for sure he would be a little boy. I'm terrified.
Part of me is still hoping for a miracle. I want so badly to see a heartbeat, a little fighter working hard to keep growing despite everything my body is telling me. But most of me knows it'll be bad news. So keep us in your prayers tomorrow. We're gonna need them, no matter what we see on that screen.
We had blood work done on Monday, and for the first time, my HCG levels didn't double the way they should have. They were still in the "normal" range, but lower than they should be. My doctor noticed that my thyroid is enlarged last week, so she also checked my thyroid levels this time. They showed that my thyroid is over-active, which is the opposite of what the doc expected to see.
When she called me on Tuesday to tell me the results, she said that my hormone levels were all normal, but that the slightly lower than ideal HCG level was making her worry. She said that it seems like something "weird" is happening with this pregnancy, and mentioned something called a "molar pregnancy". She explained what that means but I couldn't really take it in on the phone.
A molar pregnancy is when an egg is fertilized and tissue grows, but instead of becoming a baby, it becomes an abnormal mass. Your body believes it is pregnant, so you experience all of the symptoms of early pregnancy. Until eventually you start to see other symptoms that aren't normal- spotting/bleeding, intense nausea, hyperthyroidism. Check, check, check.
We don't know for sure that's what's happening with me yet, but all of the pieces fit. So, tomorrow's ultrasound will show us one of three things: a healthy baby with a beating heart, a baby with no heartbeat, or a mass of tissue that never was a baby at all.
I haven't told anyone about this yet, except our parents. I can't bring myself to say the words out loud or even in a text message. Somehow telling people makes it real and the horror in my head becomes reality. I'm not sure why writing about it here is easier for me, it just is.
I'm trying to hope for the best and brace for the worst, but to be honest I'm just expecting the worst. I can't get past those words- abnormal mass of tissue. Benign tumor. Not a baby. How am I supposed to wrap my head around this?
How am I supposed to trust my body after this? How can this possibly be part of God's plan for me, for my family? How am I supposed to face my family and friends who are excited and praying for our little baby? What if there never even was a baby?
These last few weeks feel like a cruel, evil joke. Trouble at work causing us to completely rethink our lifestyle, on top of intense fear and anxiety and sadness over possibly losing our little angel, and now this. I just want to run and hide and never have to face that exam room tomorrow. I don't know if I can handle what I think we're going to see on that tv screen. We'll be in the same room where we first saw Emmett's little heart beating. Where we first knew for sure he would be a little boy. I'm terrified.
Part of me is still hoping for a miracle. I want so badly to see a heartbeat, a little fighter working hard to keep growing despite everything my body is telling me. But most of me knows it'll be bad news. So keep us in your prayers tomorrow. We're gonna need them, no matter what we see on that screen.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
5 Favorites
Yesterday for the first time my labs came back with less than ideal results. We aren't sure what it means yet and the doctor threw out a strange possible answer to everything that's been going on but it's too strange and too hard to think about so I am numb. We've all got a cold and I can hardly bring myself to get out of bed, so in an effort to pull myself out of this black hole and focus on the positive things in our life, I thought I would join Grace to share my current Five Favorites.
1: This kid, on the beach last week:
I plan on writing a whole post about our trip later, but memories of Emmett so happy and sandy on the beach are bright spots in my mind right now, so I wanted to share a few photos.
2: Lucia. This deserves a whole post also, but I want to give her a little shout out here. My sister left everything behind and moved in with us in February, pretty much at the drop of a hat, to help with Emmett when our child care situation changed suddenly and we needed help. She has saved us all kinds of money, all kinds of heartache, and has blessed us so much these last 8 months. It's been wonderful knowing each day that Emmett is taken care of, and that he's with his aunt who loves him so much. Yesterday when Ci realized I was feeling really sick with a cold, she jumped into action making my mom's potato soup- my favorite when I'm sick or it's cold or just when I'm feeling homesick.
Cia leaves next week to go back home to Georgia, and my gosh, we are going to miss her. Thanks for everything you do for us Ci. We love you!
3: Ray, you dear dear man. The last few weeks have been especially hard on me, and my dear sweet husband has been such a rock. He manages to make me laugh, make me forget about what ails me, and has jumped right in to help take over Emmett duties when I just need rest. Most days that means a long day at work, then home to help with Emmett's dinner, bath, and bedtime routine, then making dinner, doing dishes, and then homework. He never complains, never balks, just tells me to go relax and takes care of everything. I'm a lucky girl, and I really don't know what I'd do without him.
4 & 5: I'm blanking, sinking back into numbness, but I want to hold on just long enough to wish my dad a happy belated birthday. My dad is my hero, and my direct link to God. I know his prayers get answered, and I know he's praying for me now. This is reassuring- Things may not turn out the way I want them to, but I know that whatever the outcome, my dad's prayers for me will be answered and everything will be okay, eventually.
1: This kid, on the beach last week:
I plan on writing a whole post about our trip later, but memories of Emmett so happy and sandy on the beach are bright spots in my mind right now, so I wanted to share a few photos.
2: Lucia. This deserves a whole post also, but I want to give her a little shout out here. My sister left everything behind and moved in with us in February, pretty much at the drop of a hat, to help with Emmett when our child care situation changed suddenly and we needed help. She has saved us all kinds of money, all kinds of heartache, and has blessed us so much these last 8 months. It's been wonderful knowing each day that Emmett is taken care of, and that he's with his aunt who loves him so much. Yesterday when Ci realized I was feeling really sick with a cold, she jumped into action making my mom's potato soup- my favorite when I'm sick or it's cold or just when I'm feeling homesick.
Cia leaves next week to go back home to Georgia, and my gosh, we are going to miss her. Thanks for everything you do for us Ci. We love you!
3: Ray, you dear dear man. The last few weeks have been especially hard on me, and my dear sweet husband has been such a rock. He manages to make me laugh, make me forget about what ails me, and has jumped right in to help take over Emmett duties when I just need rest. Most days that means a long day at work, then home to help with Emmett's dinner, bath, and bedtime routine, then making dinner, doing dishes, and then homework. He never complains, never balks, just tells me to go relax and takes care of everything. I'm a lucky girl, and I really don't know what I'd do without him.
 |
| Baby boy waiting for Daddy to come home. |
4 & 5: I'm blanking, sinking back into numbness, but I want to hold on just long enough to wish my dad a happy belated birthday. My dad is my hero, and my direct link to God. I know his prayers get answered, and I know he's praying for me now. This is reassuring- Things may not turn out the way I want them to, but I know that whatever the outcome, my dad's prayers for me will be answered and everything will be okay, eventually.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Working Mom Gets Her Wish
Linking up with Corinna, keeping it real as real gets.
I've complained enough about work on this blog for ya'll to know that I've struggled a lot with work this Summer. This year, really. I struggle every day with leaving Emmett at home with someone else for most of his day, and most days it's been really hard.
Ray and I have talked and talked about what to do, if anything. We needed my income, so I had to work, but I've been desperate for some other way to make it work. Some way to be able to spend more time with Emmett while still helping to provide for my family. We thought and prayed and struggled through each day, but no solution presented itself.
Then a couple of weeks ago I started spotting, and thought I was losing my baby. I called in to work and let my boss know, and he told me to take a few days off to rest, they would all pitch in and take care of my work for me. I took three days off, and then headed to Georgia for Labor Day weekend. When I came back to work last week, my boss called me in to a meeting to tell me they were cutting my hours back from 40+ to 20 hours a week. They said they needed to save money, and I guess they realized while I was gone that they could survive without me. After the shock wore off, I found myself feeling totally relieved. I felt the stress and pressure I'd been dealing with all Summer just lift off my shoulders, and I relaxed, for the first time in months. This was an answer to prayer.
I told Ray and he and his family jumped in to action. They looked at our house and the comps in the neighborhood and realized that we can sell it, after years of being under water, for what my husband paid for it. My in-laws offered to let us move in with them to save money until we decide what to do next. Not ideal, but definitely do-able for a time. We felt peaceful by the end of the day, and I still felt relieved.
Things still seem to be pretty weird at work and there is a lot to work out, but I hope in the end this all ends up being a blessing in disguise. Already I've loved spending my afternoons at home with Emmett, and I've been able to rest and take care of myself while we try to figure out if baby number 2 is going to be okay.
I've been going to the doctor for blood work every couple of days, and so far my HCG levels continue to rise, so little baby seems to be doing okay. We have an ultrasound on Friday, and I'm desperately looking forward to seeing that tiny little heartbeat. My spotting turned to full-on bleeding over the weekend so it's been hard not to panic and worry and stress, but I feel peaceful too. I have faith that God gave me this little baby for a reason, and I know He's taking care of us.
The thing is, as I sit here tonight, very obviously coming down with a cold, pregnant and bleeding and half as employed as I was last week, I feel peace. I should feel discouraged, under attack, and anxious. There is fear, and worry, and hurt and so much still to be determined, but mostly there is peace.
I know everything will turn out as it's supposed to, and I know I would do anything for my family, and for this little tiny baby struggling to grow inside me. I am a wife, and a mother, and that's all I ever wanted to be.
I've complained enough about work on this blog for ya'll to know that I've struggled a lot with work this Summer. This year, really. I struggle every day with leaving Emmett at home with someone else for most of his day, and most days it's been really hard.
Ray and I have talked and talked about what to do, if anything. We needed my income, so I had to work, but I've been desperate for some other way to make it work. Some way to be able to spend more time with Emmett while still helping to provide for my family. We thought and prayed and struggled through each day, but no solution presented itself.
Then a couple of weeks ago I started spotting, and thought I was losing my baby. I called in to work and let my boss know, and he told me to take a few days off to rest, they would all pitch in and take care of my work for me. I took three days off, and then headed to Georgia for Labor Day weekend. When I came back to work last week, my boss called me in to a meeting to tell me they were cutting my hours back from 40+ to 20 hours a week. They said they needed to save money, and I guess they realized while I was gone that they could survive without me. After the shock wore off, I found myself feeling totally relieved. I felt the stress and pressure I'd been dealing with all Summer just lift off my shoulders, and I relaxed, for the first time in months. This was an answer to prayer.
I told Ray and he and his family jumped in to action. They looked at our house and the comps in the neighborhood and realized that we can sell it, after years of being under water, for what my husband paid for it. My in-laws offered to let us move in with them to save money until we decide what to do next. Not ideal, but definitely do-able for a time. We felt peaceful by the end of the day, and I still felt relieved.
Things still seem to be pretty weird at work and there is a lot to work out, but I hope in the end this all ends up being a blessing in disguise. Already I've loved spending my afternoons at home with Emmett, and I've been able to rest and take care of myself while we try to figure out if baby number 2 is going to be okay.
I've been going to the doctor for blood work every couple of days, and so far my HCG levels continue to rise, so little baby seems to be doing okay. We have an ultrasound on Friday, and I'm desperately looking forward to seeing that tiny little heartbeat. My spotting turned to full-on bleeding over the weekend so it's been hard not to panic and worry and stress, but I feel peaceful too. I have faith that God gave me this little baby for a reason, and I know He's taking care of us.
The thing is, as I sit here tonight, very obviously coming down with a cold, pregnant and bleeding and half as employed as I was last week, I feel peace. I should feel discouraged, under attack, and anxious. There is fear, and worry, and hurt and so much still to be determined, but mostly there is peace.
I know everything will turn out as it's supposed to, and I know I would do anything for my family, and for this little tiny baby struggling to grow inside me. I am a wife, and a mother, and that's all I ever wanted to be.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Will I Get To Keep You?
A letter to my littlest love, when I was most afraid of losing him (or her):
Wednesday, August 28th.
Dear sweet tiny tiny baby, growing inside my belly,
Today we are waiting to find out if you are growing, becoming strong and healthy. I am spotting, and I am so scared. We saw the doctor yesterday, and had an ultra sound, but you were too small to see. So small and fragile, I'm trying so hard to provide a perfect environment for you to grow. They drew my blood to test my hormone levels, and my HCG was right where it should be. I'm holding on to that with a vice grip, hoping and praying with all my might that you are growing and thriving in there. My Progesterone levels are really low though, which could mean..
Sweet little angel, I want you so badly. I want to hold you one day, to kiss your tiny cheeks and look into your tiny litte eyes and memorize every tiny little detail of your perfect, strong little body. I love you little one, please keep growing for your mama.
I'm trying not to lose heart. I'm trying so hard to believe that you are going to be okay, that you're going to grow up, big and strong, to fill my little mama's heart up to bursting, like your big brother has done.
I wanted to write to you the day I found out you were growing inside me. I wanted to but I didn't because I thought, I'll have this little baby forever, there's no hurry. I was so happy that day. So scared, because I knew I had a huge responsibility to take care of you and build a life for you and I wanted so badly to make everything perfect before you came out into the world. But I was so thrilled, so excited. When I told your daddy he was so happy. Another baby! he said. Another baby. Another baby.
We love you little one. Keep growing for us. Keep growing. We promise to love you so much, forever. Please be okay sweet angel.
Wednesday, August 28th.
Dear sweet tiny tiny baby, growing inside my belly,
Today we are waiting to find out if you are growing, becoming strong and healthy. I am spotting, and I am so scared. We saw the doctor yesterday, and had an ultra sound, but you were too small to see. So small and fragile, I'm trying so hard to provide a perfect environment for you to grow. They drew my blood to test my hormone levels, and my HCG was right where it should be. I'm holding on to that with a vice grip, hoping and praying with all my might that you are growing and thriving in there. My Progesterone levels are really low though, which could mean..
Sweet little angel, I want you so badly. I want to hold you one day, to kiss your tiny cheeks and look into your tiny litte eyes and memorize every tiny little detail of your perfect, strong little body. I love you little one, please keep growing for your mama.
I'm trying not to lose heart. I'm trying so hard to believe that you are going to be okay, that you're going to grow up, big and strong, to fill my little mama's heart up to bursting, like your big brother has done.
I wanted to write to you the day I found out you were growing inside me. I wanted to but I didn't because I thought, I'll have this little baby forever, there's no hurry. I was so happy that day. So scared, because I knew I had a huge responsibility to take care of you and build a life for you and I wanted so badly to make everything perfect before you came out into the world. But I was so thrilled, so excited. When I told your daddy he was so happy. Another baby! he said. Another baby. Another baby.
We love you little one. Keep growing for us. Keep growing. We promise to love you so much, forever. Please be okay sweet angel.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
A New Little
The last few weeks have been crazy y'all. So much has happened, and I haven't shared any of it here because I didn't think I should, and then I didn't know how, and then I thought it was just too soon. I'm terrible at secrets though, and I don't like keeping them, so here goes!
A few weeks ago, Ray and I found out we are pregnant! We decided when Emmett was 9 months old that we were open to having another baby, but I was (am) still breastfeeding, so I didn't get my cycle back until July, one year after Emmett was born. When we found out I was excited and so happy, but the joy I felt was tinged with fear and anxiety. I was worried about the baby, wanting so badly to provide a perfect environment for him (or her.. but probably him) to grow and thrive and be healthy. And I was worried about our future, about how we're going to afford another baby and about how everything will work out.
Then last Monday night just before bed, I noticed a tiny bit of spotting. I didn't think much of it at the time, but mentioned it to Ray and he told me I should call the doctor in the morning. I wasn't too worried, and went right to sleep that night. I saw more spotting in the morning, so I called the doctor first thing. They asked me to come in right away, so Ray and I called into work and hurried to the doctor's office. I was scared, but still not too worried. A friend of ours works as a PA at our OB's office, and we were lucky that she happened to have an opening that morning. She did an exam and found that my cervix was closed and they couldn't see any bleeding. We did an ultrasound, but couldn't see very much. I forgot to bring my NFP chart with me, so I gave them the date of my last period (my first since before conceiving Emmett), and they estimated that I was about 6 weeks along. I could tell they were worried that we weren't seeing much on the ultrasound, but they tried to reassure me that it is just too early. They drew blood and sent us home. I called in to work and asked for a personal day. I had to take care of a few urgent things from home, but I was in a sort of daze and just needed to be home with Emmett.
The next day I woke up to more spotting, heavier than before. I called the doctor and they told me to come in. I was so afraid that day. I thought I was losing this baby, and felt so fragile and lonely. I called my boss to let him know what was going on, and Ray and I headed to the doctor. My boss was really great about it. He told me to take a few days off and not to worry about work. They would all pitch in and take care of my accounts while I was out. When we arrived they had my labs back. My HCG levels looked good, but my progesterone was really low. They called in a prescription for progesterone and I started to take that right away. The progesterone made me really groggy and totally zapped my energy, but I wanted to do anything I could to keep this baby and to help my body do what it needed to do. They scheduled another ultrasound for Friday and sent us home.
The next day, Thursday, I woke up to more spotting. I called the doc and they told me to come in for another blood test. Ray was already at work so I went on my own. When I got there I sat down to have my blood drawn. My friend the PA, who happens to be about 36 weeks pregnant, knew that I was there, so she came out to see how I was doing. She was kind and gentle and I was so afraid. I broke down in that chair and she squatted down next to me, big belly and all, and rubbed my back while I cried. She told me that I would be okay, and that they were all praying for me. I looked up to see the nurses and the girls at the front desk watching me and I knew that they were praying for me then. I could see that they felt my pain and that they really, truly cared, and I felt reassured. We decided to order my labs to come back that afternoon. That way if the baby had stopped growing, I wouldn't have to go through the ultrasound the next day. As I left, the sweet nurse held my hand and told me not to be afraid, but to have faith. It felt like a lightbulb went off when she said that. "Oh yeah," I thought, "I'm supposed to have faith." I wasn't supposed to be afraid, I was supposed to believe that God had a plan for me, and for my baby, and I needed to have faith that He would take care of us, no matter what happened.
I went home and tried to rest and stay calm. I felt like I had been in a black hole all week, lost in the darkness and fear and closed off to the world. I wouldn't let anyone in, hardly even Ray, because I felt so vulnerable and fragile. I was afraid that one wrong word from anyone would break me. That afternoon I felt a little stronger, but I was still so afraid. The PA called late that afternoon to let me know that my hormone levels had risen since the last test, which meant baby was still growing. She also told me that she got a look at my NFP chart and realized that I ovulated pretty late in my cycle, and we conceived much later than I had previously thought, so she didn't think I was as far along as we had thought. Oh NFP, you are wonderful! After seeing that, she said she felt so much better about the ultrasound, and about my low progesterone. We expected to see more because we thought I was close to 6 weeks, but it turns out we were barely even to 5 weeks. If I hadn't been charting, we never would have known that I ovulated late, and would have been so much more worried.
The next morning Ray and I went in for our second ultrasound. I felt good that morning, less afraid, and even a little bit optimistic. My friend the PA wasn't in that day, so we saw the doctor. He is gentle and kind and positive, so he was a blessing to us that day. The ultrasound was positive. We saw some growth, although we still couldn't see a heartbeat. We repeated my blood work and left feeling uplifted.
That night Emmett and I took the red-eye to Georgia to spend the long weekend with my family at the beach. The flight was AWFUL (more on that later!), but the trip was wonderful. I was able to relax and rest and had so much fun with my family. I miss them so much!! Emmett loved the beach and loved my dad and everyone. It was such a great weekend.
The spotting never stopped, but Monday and Tuesday it slowed down a whole lot and I felt pretty great. The nurse called me Tuesday to let me know that my labs from Friday looked great, everything was going up, and I could stop taking the progesterone. We left the beach on Monday and spent a couple of days in my hometown seeing family and friends, and then flew home yesterday. I noticed yesterday that my spotting seemed to be heavier and more steady, and then this morning it was even heavier. I called the doctor first thing and they asked me to come in. I saw my friend again for an exam and more blood work. She told me my labs have all been really great, so the baby seems to be healthy, but the spotting is definitely something to worry about. She noticed that my thyroid is enlarged on one side, so I will have an ultrasound of my thyroid done next week and they ordered a test of my thyroid levels along with the HCG and progesterone. They got my hormone labs back this afternoon- my HCG is still going up, but my progesterone was low again so I am back on that once a day. We'll find out about my thyroid levels next week.
I feel so much better now, just knowing the baby is still growing, and having a possible answer for the spotting in my thyroid. Through all of this I learned that in times of fear and stress and hopelessness, I need to cling to faith, to hope, and to the knowledge that God will hold me and protect me and keep me safe, no matter what.
I know most people don't share news like this until much later on in the pregnancy, but like I said, I'm terrible at secrets. It feels good to let it go, to not be clutching my fear to my chest like a security blanket anymore. I'm letting go of the worry and the stress and letting God take care of us, as He always does.
A few weeks ago, Ray and I found out we are pregnant! We decided when Emmett was 9 months old that we were open to having another baby, but I was (am) still breastfeeding, so I didn't get my cycle back until July, one year after Emmett was born. When we found out I was excited and so happy, but the joy I felt was tinged with fear and anxiety. I was worried about the baby, wanting so badly to provide a perfect environment for him (or her.. but probably him) to grow and thrive and be healthy. And I was worried about our future, about how we're going to afford another baby and about how everything will work out.
Then last Monday night just before bed, I noticed a tiny bit of spotting. I didn't think much of it at the time, but mentioned it to Ray and he told me I should call the doctor in the morning. I wasn't too worried, and went right to sleep that night. I saw more spotting in the morning, so I called the doctor first thing. They asked me to come in right away, so Ray and I called into work and hurried to the doctor's office. I was scared, but still not too worried. A friend of ours works as a PA at our OB's office, and we were lucky that she happened to have an opening that morning. She did an exam and found that my cervix was closed and they couldn't see any bleeding. We did an ultrasound, but couldn't see very much. I forgot to bring my NFP chart with me, so I gave them the date of my last period (my first since before conceiving Emmett), and they estimated that I was about 6 weeks along. I could tell they were worried that we weren't seeing much on the ultrasound, but they tried to reassure me that it is just too early. They drew blood and sent us home. I called in to work and asked for a personal day. I had to take care of a few urgent things from home, but I was in a sort of daze and just needed to be home with Emmett.
The next day I woke up to more spotting, heavier than before. I called the doctor and they told me to come in. I was so afraid that day. I thought I was losing this baby, and felt so fragile and lonely. I called my boss to let him know what was going on, and Ray and I headed to the doctor. My boss was really great about it. He told me to take a few days off and not to worry about work. They would all pitch in and take care of my accounts while I was out. When we arrived they had my labs back. My HCG levels looked good, but my progesterone was really low. They called in a prescription for progesterone and I started to take that right away. The progesterone made me really groggy and totally zapped my energy, but I wanted to do anything I could to keep this baby and to help my body do what it needed to do. They scheduled another ultrasound for Friday and sent us home.
The next day, Thursday, I woke up to more spotting. I called the doc and they told me to come in for another blood test. Ray was already at work so I went on my own. When I got there I sat down to have my blood drawn. My friend the PA, who happens to be about 36 weeks pregnant, knew that I was there, so she came out to see how I was doing. She was kind and gentle and I was so afraid. I broke down in that chair and she squatted down next to me, big belly and all, and rubbed my back while I cried. She told me that I would be okay, and that they were all praying for me. I looked up to see the nurses and the girls at the front desk watching me and I knew that they were praying for me then. I could see that they felt my pain and that they really, truly cared, and I felt reassured. We decided to order my labs to come back that afternoon. That way if the baby had stopped growing, I wouldn't have to go through the ultrasound the next day. As I left, the sweet nurse held my hand and told me not to be afraid, but to have faith. It felt like a lightbulb went off when she said that. "Oh yeah," I thought, "I'm supposed to have faith." I wasn't supposed to be afraid, I was supposed to believe that God had a plan for me, and for my baby, and I needed to have faith that He would take care of us, no matter what happened.
I went home and tried to rest and stay calm. I felt like I had been in a black hole all week, lost in the darkness and fear and closed off to the world. I wouldn't let anyone in, hardly even Ray, because I felt so vulnerable and fragile. I was afraid that one wrong word from anyone would break me. That afternoon I felt a little stronger, but I was still so afraid. The PA called late that afternoon to let me know that my hormone levels had risen since the last test, which meant baby was still growing. She also told me that she got a look at my NFP chart and realized that I ovulated pretty late in my cycle, and we conceived much later than I had previously thought, so she didn't think I was as far along as we had thought. Oh NFP, you are wonderful! After seeing that, she said she felt so much better about the ultrasound, and about my low progesterone. We expected to see more because we thought I was close to 6 weeks, but it turns out we were barely even to 5 weeks. If I hadn't been charting, we never would have known that I ovulated late, and would have been so much more worried.
The next morning Ray and I went in for our second ultrasound. I felt good that morning, less afraid, and even a little bit optimistic. My friend the PA wasn't in that day, so we saw the doctor. He is gentle and kind and positive, so he was a blessing to us that day. The ultrasound was positive. We saw some growth, although we still couldn't see a heartbeat. We repeated my blood work and left feeling uplifted.
That night Emmett and I took the red-eye to Georgia to spend the long weekend with my family at the beach. The flight was AWFUL (more on that later!), but the trip was wonderful. I was able to relax and rest and had so much fun with my family. I miss them so much!! Emmett loved the beach and loved my dad and everyone. It was such a great weekend.
The spotting never stopped, but Monday and Tuesday it slowed down a whole lot and I felt pretty great. The nurse called me Tuesday to let me know that my labs from Friday looked great, everything was going up, and I could stop taking the progesterone. We left the beach on Monday and spent a couple of days in my hometown seeing family and friends, and then flew home yesterday. I noticed yesterday that my spotting seemed to be heavier and more steady, and then this morning it was even heavier. I called the doctor first thing and they asked me to come in. I saw my friend again for an exam and more blood work. She told me my labs have all been really great, so the baby seems to be healthy, but the spotting is definitely something to worry about. She noticed that my thyroid is enlarged on one side, so I will have an ultrasound of my thyroid done next week and they ordered a test of my thyroid levels along with the HCG and progesterone. They got my hormone labs back this afternoon- my HCG is still going up, but my progesterone was low again so I am back on that once a day. We'll find out about my thyroid levels next week.
I feel so much better now, just knowing the baby is still growing, and having a possible answer for the spotting in my thyroid. Through all of this I learned that in times of fear and stress and hopelessness, I need to cling to faith, to hope, and to the knowledge that God will hold me and protect me and keep me safe, no matter what.
I know most people don't share news like this until much later on in the pregnancy, but like I said, I'm terrible at secrets. It feels good to let it go, to not be clutching my fear to my chest like a security blanket anymore. I'm letting go of the worry and the stress and letting God take care of us, as He always does.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Emmett's Birth Story (Finally!)
I've wanted to write this story since it happened, but finding the words to describe that day has been so difficult. I read this beautiful birth story today, so I'm feeling inspired. I will do my best to remember the details. I can't believe it has been 9 months!
My water broke at 12:30 am on the night of July 1st. 30 minutes into July.
Emmett was supposed to be born in June. All through my pregnancy, in my head at least, it was supposed to be June. June 26th was his due date, and I never thought even for a moment that he'd be born in July.
I worked all the way up until my due date. My last day in the office was June 20th, but I worked from home until the 26th. My mom came to stay with us on the 21st in case I went into labor early. I wanted my whole family here, to be there when my boy was born, but it was impossible to know when he would come, so just my mom came at first. She planned to stay for at least 2 weeks to help us with cooking and cleaning, and anything else we needed. We spent time finishing all of the projects we wanted to complete before the baby arrived- putting finishing touches on the nursery, buying baby clothes, cleaning every inch of the house, and walking. My mom kept telling me all I needed to do was walk, and the baby would come. I remember that week so fondly- it was peaceful, exciting, and so much fun.
I woke up on my due date feeling excited, and expecting something to happen. I wasn't able to sleep very well at this point, so I would get up early every morning and go for a walk around the neighborhood. It was in the middle of the summer in Arizona, so if I wanted to walk outside, I had to do it before 7 am! But that day I stayed in bed a little bit later. Ray was able to begin his (6-week paid) paternity leave a week early, so we slept in and planned to relax. He got up around 8:30 and got in the shower, and I was still in bed when I felt a little pop and a huge gush. There was fluid everywhere, so I assumed my water had broken. I remember being so happy and so excited- he was coming right on time! What a good boy! I went to the bathroom to tell Ray, got cleaned up, and went to tell my mom. I was still working from home, so I sent an email to my boss and let everyone know that it was happening, so I wouldn't be working any more. I even sent emails to all of my accounts to let them know that my maternity leave was beginning. I didn't want to rush to the hospital, so I took my time showering, getting my things together, and getting dressed. I was having irregular contractions every 5-8 minutes, but they weren't bothering me too much. I remember thinking that it was all too good to be true- I couldn't have timed it better myself! No middle of the night wake up, no rushing to the hospital, no crazy hair and tired eyes for photos..
We got to the hospital around noon. My contractions hadn't changed much by then, and I hadn't seen any more fluid, but I never doubted that I was in labor. They hooked me up to a monitor and did an exam, but weren't able to find any amniotic fluid, so they sent me to have an ultrasound to check the amount of fluid in my amniotic sac. I was sure that the ultrasound would show that my water had broken, and I would be admitted, but instead they sent me home. The nurse told me she wasn't sure what had happened, but it didn't look like my water had broken, so I should keep an eye on it and come back if I saw any more fluid.
I was heartbroken! I remember feeling so down, and so embarrassed. I told my sisters and my friends that I was in labor, but apparently instead I'd just peed myself! Ugh. I had to let my boss know that it was a false alarm, but decided not to go back to work. I couldn't face all of the people I'd emailed, so I decided to begin my maternity leave.
Anyway, after a few days of waiting and nothing happening, my dad decided to come along as well. He arrived on Thursday, the 28th, two days after my due date. We talked about asking my doctor to induce me so my parents would be able to be here for the birth, but I wanted to go into labor on my own if possible. We finally decided that if I didn't go into labor by Sunday, we would schedule an induction for Monday, July 2nd.
I was having contractions every 8 minutes or so all the time, and they would speed up to about every 2-3 minutes, lasting about a minute, when I would walk. So, on Saturday the 30th I woke up at 6 a.m. and went for a fast walk around the neighborhood. My contractions sped up and I was feeling really optimistic. I was sure he was coming today. We spent the day at the mall, walking and walking and walking and walking. My dad took this wonderful photo of me, eating a cupcake at the mall:
By the time we headed home, my contractions had completely stopped, and I. was. a. mess. I was upset, frustrated, and felt like this baby was staying in there for good. I knew, just knew, that he was coming in June, and I couldn't believe the month was over and still no baby.
I posted this picture on Instagram before I went to bed that night, because the whole world needed to know how miserable I was (as if that would help..):
So we went to bed thinking we'd never have the baby, feeling doomed to induce. And then, low and behold, at 12:30 am on July 1st, I sat straight up in bed (okay, more like I rolled and flopped and rolled some more until I was kinda half sitting up in bed) and felt fluid in my underwear. I went to the bathroom, and sure enough there was water, and it wasn't stopping this time. I did a little happy dance by myself in the bathroom because I knew that this was really actually finally it, and I was going to meet my baby boy!
I went back into the room and gently woke Ray, and we celebrated together for a few minutes before I went to tell my parents. They were so excited, but we decided it was best if they stay home and try to get some sleep, since we knew it was going to be a long night.
Ray and I got dressed and got our things together and called our doctor, and he told us to go ahead and go to the hospital. I was having contractions again, about every 5 minutes, but they were still irregular and weren't very strong. On the way to the hospital we talked about how excited we were, how calm we felt, and I remember thinking it was such a beautiful night to have a baby. I was so happy.
We checked in and they sent us directly to a room this time. They checked me (I was at 2 cm) and hooked me up to a monitor, but my contractions were still slow and weak, so we decided that I should get up and walk around for as long as I could. I walked for about 45 minutes every hour, and then spent 15 minutes at a time hooked up to the monitor. I did that from about 2 until around 5. My contractions hadn't sped up very much, so they called the doctor and he decided to start Pitocin to get things moving.
I labored on the Pitocin from 5 until about 8:30 before having the epidural. I wanted to experience labor for as long as I could, but I decided early on that I wanted to have an epidural. Once the Pitocin kicked in my contractions were off the charts, and were coming so fast it that all I could do was breathe for a few seconds between them and then grab the bed rail and hold on for dear life. My parents arrived around 7:30 or so, and I'm sure it was hard for them to see me like that. My dad decided to go wait in the lobby for a while to pray, but my mom stuck around. She was so good.
The contractions were hard, but I think I was able to deal with them because in the back of my mind I knew that I could have the epidural whenever I wanted, and then I would have relief within 30 minutes, so I stuck it out. By 8:30 everyone was saying there was no need to be in pain, so I might as well start the epidural. The pain was getting pretty bad, so I agreed and we called the Anesthesiologist.
I was really nervous about this part- I'd heard horror stories about rogue needles and even one about a husband being sprayed in the face with numbing liquid- but it was calm and easy and the doctor who did the epidural was confident and kind. Everyone assured me that he was the best, and that made me feel better. So, the epidural went off without a hitch, and from then on, the day was pure BLISS.
My dad came in a short time later and said he thought the baby had already been born, since the room was so calm! It was such a change from the last time he'd been there. I was able to rest and relax, and even napped for a few minutes! My parents watched the Euro Cup Final game between Spain and Italy on tv, while Ray and I chatted or read or just spent time together. The nurses kept coming in to check my monitor, and I could see my contractions still going off the charts, but I couldn't feel a thing! I kept saying "This is too easy! My body is doing all this work, but I'm so relaxed!" I felt like I should be tired and cranky and in pain, I should be working really hard! I felt a little bit like I was cheating actually. The morning and early afternoon were so easy and calm.
Our wonderful doctor was at home that day on call, so he was keeping an eye on my monitor and the baby's from his iPad. It must have been around 1 o'clock or so when I started to notice the nurses spending more time in the room, and seemed to be watching the monitors closely. They told me the baby's heartbeat had dropped suddenly, so they helped me to change positions in the bed and kept watching the monitors. When my doctor walked in the room I knew that something was wrong, but he stayed calm and smiled and put me at ease. He told me that he came as quickly as he could when he saw the baby's heart rate drop, but that he wasn't worried anymore. When I changed positions the baby's heart rate came back up, so everything was fine. The doctor very calmly told me that if his heart rate dropped again, we would need to "do something else", meaning an immediate c-section. He was smart not to say those words so that I wouldn't be scared. He checked my cervix, and I was at about 8 cm, so he decided to stay at the hospital to keep an eye on me and the baby. He thought it would still be a few hours, but then around 2 o'clock he came back in and checked me one more time and I was fully dilated!
My doctor told me we would wait about an hour to give the baby some time to come down further into the birth canal, so he and the nurses left the room. We went back to hanging out (Ray & I), and cheering loudly for Spain (my parents). By then my epidural had begun to wear off, so I was feeling some pressure. The pressure began to build so we called the nurse and let her know, and the doctor came back in with my nurse and a nurse from the nursery and told me it was time to push. I went into a state of denial as the nurses got everything ready and the doctor pulled out the stirrups and sat at the edge of my bed. My dad was still in the room (the soccer game had just ended- Spain won!), so my doctor asked if I wanted him to go. My dad seemed surprised by that- he wanted to stay, so I told the doctor that I didn't mind if he stayed. My dad turned his chair away from me and worked on his computer, and I was glad he was in the room. I knew he would pray, and I knew he would make everything okay.
Everyone was ready and excited but I was scared and losing my courage. I couldn't believe it was actually happening! I felt like everything was in slow-motion and I tried to convince myself that it was time, whether I felt ready or not. My mom went to my left side and grabbed my leg, and my nurse went to my right. Ray stood to the left of me near my head. It was happening.
My doctor sat on the edge of my bed and told me it was time, and the nurse told me a contraction was beginning. I felt it, and I felt the urge to push, so I pushed! It was incredible and exhausting and so hard and so overwhelming! Everyone said all the right things to encourage me, and I felt like I was in a dream. The pushing was hard and a few times I felt like I couldn't go on, but the nurse was so awesome and my mom was so excited and such an awesome coach, and my sweet wonderful doctor told me I was doing so good. I was worried that when the time came I wouldn't know how to push, but in the end it was the most natural thing in the world. I pushed for about 30 minutes, and by then I was so so so tired. My doctor kept saying just one more push! Just one more! And every time I believed him. He told me he could see the baby's head and that there was hair, and Ray and I looked at each other in disbelief. We were both bald babies, so we were sure he'd be bald too. My mom asked if it was red and I said "NO! Don't be red!" and then I remembered that my doctor has bright red hair and felt like a jerk for a couple of seconds before another contraction came.With each push his head came out a little further, until he was so so close.
I looked over at my dad between contractions and he was facing the window holding two cell phones up in the air and I think he was crying. He told me Geema (my grandmother) and my sister Shea had both called so he was letting them listen in. I loved that.
I got a burst of energy knowing he was almost out and gave the last push all I had, and then there he was! Right away he doctor laid him on my belly while the nurses checked on him and cleaned him up. He was facing away from me and I remember I was DYING to see his little face, but I was just so happy to see him at all. I looked at his little legs and bum and back and the back of his tiny little head and just drank him in. It was magic.
I couldn't take it anymore and the doctor handed him to me and I just melted. He was so beautiful. He cried and cried and then I spoke to him and the moment he heard my voice he became quiet and looked right at my face. The room melted away and it was just he and I for a few moments while I kissed him and told him about all the love I had in my heart for him, and we just looked at eachother. I was overcome.
My parents asked for his name, and I told Ray he could finally tell them. "Emmett Arthur" he said, and everyone cheered. My mom was so happy and my dad said it was a good strong name, and I just kept looking at my son. My perfect, sweet, tiny, beautiful son. He was so calm and soft and I couldn't stop kissing his little cheeks! I held him for a long time and then he seemed like he wanted to nurse, so I put him to my breast and he latched on like a champ. Such a good boy.
It was the most perfect day. I kept thinking all day that it was all so easy, so wonderful. Everything went beautifully. My doctor and nurses said and did exactly the right things all day, and seemed to know exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it. Later that day I said it felt like my nurse was an angel, holding me in her hand and keeping me safe and calm. It was such a dream, from start to finish, and I wouldn't change a thing.
We sure do love you Emmett boy!
P.S. My dad wrote his (much more beautiful) version of this story on his blog, here.
And here is my first post about baby Emmett!
My water broke at 12:30 am on the night of July 1st. 30 minutes into July.
Emmett was supposed to be born in June. All through my pregnancy, in my head at least, it was supposed to be June. June 26th was his due date, and I never thought even for a moment that he'd be born in July.
I worked all the way up until my due date. My last day in the office was June 20th, but I worked from home until the 26th. My mom came to stay with us on the 21st in case I went into labor early. I wanted my whole family here, to be there when my boy was born, but it was impossible to know when he would come, so just my mom came at first. She planned to stay for at least 2 weeks to help us with cooking and cleaning, and anything else we needed. We spent time finishing all of the projects we wanted to complete before the baby arrived- putting finishing touches on the nursery, buying baby clothes, cleaning every inch of the house, and walking. My mom kept telling me all I needed to do was walk, and the baby would come. I remember that week so fondly- it was peaceful, exciting, and so much fun.
I woke up on my due date feeling excited, and expecting something to happen. I wasn't able to sleep very well at this point, so I would get up early every morning and go for a walk around the neighborhood. It was in the middle of the summer in Arizona, so if I wanted to walk outside, I had to do it before 7 am! But that day I stayed in bed a little bit later. Ray was able to begin his (6-week paid) paternity leave a week early, so we slept in and planned to relax. He got up around 8:30 and got in the shower, and I was still in bed when I felt a little pop and a huge gush. There was fluid everywhere, so I assumed my water had broken. I remember being so happy and so excited- he was coming right on time! What a good boy! I went to the bathroom to tell Ray, got cleaned up, and went to tell my mom. I was still working from home, so I sent an email to my boss and let everyone know that it was happening, so I wouldn't be working any more. I even sent emails to all of my accounts to let them know that my maternity leave was beginning. I didn't want to rush to the hospital, so I took my time showering, getting my things together, and getting dressed. I was having irregular contractions every 5-8 minutes, but they weren't bothering me too much. I remember thinking that it was all too good to be true- I couldn't have timed it better myself! No middle of the night wake up, no rushing to the hospital, no crazy hair and tired eyes for photos..
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| Arriving at the hospital on my due date. Look at that huge belly! |
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| Still feeling optimistic. But my hair's looking pretty good, right? |
We got to the hospital around noon. My contractions hadn't changed much by then, and I hadn't seen any more fluid, but I never doubted that I was in labor. They hooked me up to a monitor and did an exam, but weren't able to find any amniotic fluid, so they sent me to have an ultrasound to check the amount of fluid in my amniotic sac. I was sure that the ultrasound would show that my water had broken, and I would be admitted, but instead they sent me home. The nurse told me she wasn't sure what had happened, but it didn't look like my water had broken, so I should keep an eye on it and come back if I saw any more fluid.
I was heartbroken! I remember feeling so down, and so embarrassed. I told my sisters and my friends that I was in labor, but apparently instead I'd just peed myself! Ugh. I had to let my boss know that it was a false alarm, but decided not to go back to work. I couldn't face all of the people I'd emailed, so I decided to begin my maternity leave.
Anyway, after a few days of waiting and nothing happening, my dad decided to come along as well. He arrived on Thursday, the 28th, two days after my due date. We talked about asking my doctor to induce me so my parents would be able to be here for the birth, but I wanted to go into labor on my own if possible. We finally decided that if I didn't go into labor by Sunday, we would schedule an induction for Monday, July 2nd.
I was having contractions every 8 minutes or so all the time, and they would speed up to about every 2-3 minutes, lasting about a minute, when I would walk. So, on Saturday the 30th I woke up at 6 a.m. and went for a fast walk around the neighborhood. My contractions sped up and I was feeling really optimistic. I was sure he was coming today. We spent the day at the mall, walking and walking and walking and walking. My dad took this wonderful photo of me, eating a cupcake at the mall:
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| I made it extra large, for your viewing pleasure.. |
I posted this picture on Instagram before I went to bed that night, because the whole world needed to know how miserable I was (as if that would help..):
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| I was so upset I exaggerated by a week. So dramatic! |
So we went to bed thinking we'd never have the baby, feeling doomed to induce. And then, low and behold, at 12:30 am on July 1st, I sat straight up in bed (okay, more like I rolled and flopped and rolled some more until I was kinda half sitting up in bed) and felt fluid in my underwear. I went to the bathroom, and sure enough there was water, and it wasn't stopping this time. I did a little happy dance by myself in the bathroom because I knew that this was really actually finally it, and I was going to meet my baby boy!
I went back into the room and gently woke Ray, and we celebrated together for a few minutes before I went to tell my parents. They were so excited, but we decided it was best if they stay home and try to get some sleep, since we knew it was going to be a long night.
Ray and I got dressed and got our things together and called our doctor, and he told us to go ahead and go to the hospital. I was having contractions again, about every 5 minutes, but they were still irregular and weren't very strong. On the way to the hospital we talked about how excited we were, how calm we felt, and I remember thinking it was such a beautiful night to have a baby. I was so happy.
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| Here we are leaving the for the hospital the second time. |
We checked in and they sent us directly to a room this time. They checked me (I was at 2 cm) and hooked me up to a monitor, but my contractions were still slow and weak, so we decided that I should get up and walk around for as long as I could. I walked for about 45 minutes every hour, and then spent 15 minutes at a time hooked up to the monitor. I did that from about 2 until around 5. My contractions hadn't sped up very much, so they called the doctor and he decided to start Pitocin to get things moving.
I labored on the Pitocin from 5 until about 8:30 before having the epidural. I wanted to experience labor for as long as I could, but I decided early on that I wanted to have an epidural. Once the Pitocin kicked in my contractions were off the charts, and were coming so fast it that all I could do was breathe for a few seconds between them and then grab the bed rail and hold on for dear life. My parents arrived around 7:30 or so, and I'm sure it was hard for them to see me like that. My dad decided to go wait in the lobby for a while to pray, but my mom stuck around. She was so good.
The contractions were hard, but I think I was able to deal with them because in the back of my mind I knew that I could have the epidural whenever I wanted, and then I would have relief within 30 minutes, so I stuck it out. By 8:30 everyone was saying there was no need to be in pain, so I might as well start the epidural. The pain was getting pretty bad, so I agreed and we called the Anesthesiologist.
I was really nervous about this part- I'd heard horror stories about rogue needles and even one about a husband being sprayed in the face with numbing liquid- but it was calm and easy and the doctor who did the epidural was confident and kind. Everyone assured me that he was the best, and that made me feel better. So, the epidural went off without a hitch, and from then on, the day was pure BLISS.
My dad came in a short time later and said he thought the baby had already been born, since the room was so calm! It was such a change from the last time he'd been there. I was able to rest and relax, and even napped for a few minutes! My parents watched the Euro Cup Final game between Spain and Italy on tv, while Ray and I chatted or read or just spent time together. The nurses kept coming in to check my monitor, and I could see my contractions still going off the charts, but I couldn't feel a thing! I kept saying "This is too easy! My body is doing all this work, but I'm so relaxed!" I felt like I should be tired and cranky and in pain, I should be working really hard! I felt a little bit like I was cheating actually. The morning and early afternoon were so easy and calm.
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| My dad working on a blog post in the delivery room. |
Our wonderful doctor was at home that day on call, so he was keeping an eye on my monitor and the baby's from his iPad. It must have been around 1 o'clock or so when I started to notice the nurses spending more time in the room, and seemed to be watching the monitors closely. They told me the baby's heartbeat had dropped suddenly, so they helped me to change positions in the bed and kept watching the monitors. When my doctor walked in the room I knew that something was wrong, but he stayed calm and smiled and put me at ease. He told me that he came as quickly as he could when he saw the baby's heart rate drop, but that he wasn't worried anymore. When I changed positions the baby's heart rate came back up, so everything was fine. The doctor very calmly told me that if his heart rate dropped again, we would need to "do something else", meaning an immediate c-section. He was smart not to say those words so that I wouldn't be scared. He checked my cervix, and I was at about 8 cm, so he decided to stay at the hospital to keep an eye on me and the baby. He thought it would still be a few hours, but then around 2 o'clock he came back in and checked me one more time and I was fully dilated!
My doctor told me we would wait about an hour to give the baby some time to come down further into the birth canal, so he and the nurses left the room. We went back to hanging out (Ray & I), and cheering loudly for Spain (my parents). By then my epidural had begun to wear off, so I was feeling some pressure. The pressure began to build so we called the nurse and let her know, and the doctor came back in with my nurse and a nurse from the nursery and told me it was time to push. I went into a state of denial as the nurses got everything ready and the doctor pulled out the stirrups and sat at the edge of my bed. My dad was still in the room (the soccer game had just ended- Spain won!), so my doctor asked if I wanted him to go. My dad seemed surprised by that- he wanted to stay, so I told the doctor that I didn't mind if he stayed. My dad turned his chair away from me and worked on his computer, and I was glad he was in the room. I knew he would pray, and I knew he would make everything okay.
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| Getting ready to push/trying to keep it together! |
Everyone was ready and excited but I was scared and losing my courage. I couldn't believe it was actually happening! I felt like everything was in slow-motion and I tried to convince myself that it was time, whether I felt ready or not. My mom went to my left side and grabbed my leg, and my nurse went to my right. Ray stood to the left of me near my head. It was happening.
My doctor sat on the edge of my bed and told me it was time, and the nurse told me a contraction was beginning. I felt it, and I felt the urge to push, so I pushed! It was incredible and exhausting and so hard and so overwhelming! Everyone said all the right things to encourage me, and I felt like I was in a dream. The pushing was hard and a few times I felt like I couldn't go on, but the nurse was so awesome and my mom was so excited and such an awesome coach, and my sweet wonderful doctor told me I was doing so good. I was worried that when the time came I wouldn't know how to push, but in the end it was the most natural thing in the world. I pushed for about 30 minutes, and by then I was so so so tired. My doctor kept saying just one more push! Just one more! And every time I believed him. He told me he could see the baby's head and that there was hair, and Ray and I looked at each other in disbelief. We were both bald babies, so we were sure he'd be bald too. My mom asked if it was red and I said "NO! Don't be red!" and then I remembered that my doctor has bright red hair and felt like a jerk for a couple of seconds before another contraction came.With each push his head came out a little further, until he was so so close.
I looked over at my dad between contractions and he was facing the window holding two cell phones up in the air and I think he was crying. He told me Geema (my grandmother) and my sister Shea had both called so he was letting them listen in. I loved that.
I got a burst of energy knowing he was almost out and gave the last push all I had, and then there he was! Right away he doctor laid him on my belly while the nurses checked on him and cleaned him up. He was facing away from me and I remember I was DYING to see his little face, but I was just so happy to see him at all. I looked at his little legs and bum and back and the back of his tiny little head and just drank him in. It was magic.
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| Our first photo together. |
I couldn't take it anymore and the doctor handed him to me and I just melted. He was so beautiful. He cried and cried and then I spoke to him and the moment he heard my voice he became quiet and looked right at my face. The room melted away and it was just he and I for a few moments while I kissed him and told him about all the love I had in my heart for him, and we just looked at eachother. I was overcome.
My parents asked for his name, and I told Ray he could finally tell them. "Emmett Arthur" he said, and everyone cheered. My mom was so happy and my dad said it was a good strong name, and I just kept looking at my son. My perfect, sweet, tiny, beautiful son. He was so calm and soft and I couldn't stop kissing his little cheeks! I held him for a long time and then he seemed like he wanted to nurse, so I put him to my breast and he latched on like a champ. Such a good boy.
It was the most perfect day. I kept thinking all day that it was all so easy, so wonderful. Everything went beautifully. My doctor and nurses said and did exactly the right things all day, and seemed to know exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it. Later that day I said it felt like my nurse was an angel, holding me in her hand and keeping me safe and calm. It was such a dream, from start to finish, and I wouldn't change a thing.
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| Sweet new boy, taking it all in. |
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| His Ree is his biggest fan! |
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| First photo with daddy! |
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| So silly. |
We sure do love you Emmett boy!
P.S. My dad wrote his (much more beautiful) version of this story on his blog, here.
And here is my first post about baby Emmett!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
My 10 Must-Haves For A Newborn
Before Emmett was born, I scoured the internet for lists of products
that people actually used with their brand new babies. There are a
million things out there that people tell you to buy, but I wanted to
know what we would actually need.
I got a lot of good input from friends, and found a few good lists on the mom blogs (here , here and here). Because I found these lists so helpful, I wanted to (FINALLY) post a list of my own. So, here are all of the baby products that I have used and loved (in no particular order):
1. Madela Breast Pump:
I had to go back to work pretty quickly after Emmett was born, so this
double-pump has been our most important and necessary baby buy. I hated pumping at first. Like,
really hated. But I was determined to continue nursing after going back
to work so I stuck with it, and it definitely got easier. Of course I
still don't love it (does anyone LOVE pumping??), but this pump is super
easy to use and comes with all kinds of helpful accessories.
2. Boppy Infant Lounger:
This thing is a lifesaver when your baby is brand new. It's basically a
take-anywhere bed, and Emmett LOVED his. It's contoured and sized to
fit newborns, so baby feels snuggled and comfortable. We used it in
every room in our house. We even took it with us on a vacation when
Emmett was three weeks old to use as his bed instead of bringing a huge
pack & play or bassinet. Did I say lifesaver?
3. White Noise Machine: We took this
cute little guy with us everywhere we went when Emmett was little tiny.
He was able to sleep in loud restaurants as well as quiet rooms, as
long as we turned on some white noise. Now that he's a bit older (and
sleeps lighter!) we have retired the sheep for an app on our Kindle Fire
(there are lots to choose from) since it has so many options and a much
louder volume. Every night (and at nap times) we turn on his white
noise as part of our bedtime routine, and it really helps him to settle
down and get ready for bed. It's also great for diffusing noise when we
have friends over in the evenings!
4. Baby ESP app:
This app was such a huge help to me in the first couple weeks after
having Emmett. It's available for Android phones, but we used it on our
Kindle Fire. This app is a tool for keeping track of baby's feedings,
diapers, naps, and everything else you could think of that you might
need to remember. This was so important for me since as a new mom, your
brain is hardly functioning in the first place, and then there's that
pesky sleep deprivation...
5. Swaddle Blankets:
We heard about these swaddlers from aden + anais from all of our
friends with little ones. They are the perfect swaddle blanket- light,
soft, big, and so so cute. They come in all kinds of patterns and
colors, each one cuter than the last. I really can't say enough good
things about these blankets. They are a must have. Tons of our friends swear by the Miracle Blanket, but we never got around to trying it. Next time!
6. Nipple cream:
People tried to warn me that breastfeeding hurts when you're first
starting out. I remember this clearly, but I didn't really understand
until I started nursing. It hurts. It hurts a lot at first. Imagine the
worst chaffing you've ever experienced times a hundred, and then add
1,000 tiny needles sticking into your nipples. It's that bad. So this
nipple cream was a huge huge help for me. It helped relieve just a
little bit of the pain between feedings, and is totally safe for baby.
7. Bathtub: We started out with the Puj Tub,
which came highly recommended, but it just didn't work for us because
it didn't fit in any of our sinks. Bummer. So we struggled and struggled
with bathing Emmett in our sinks, or I would get in the bath with him
each night. Finally my mother-in-law bought us this tub, which is simple and inexpensive and we absolutely love it.
8. Soothies Pacifiers:
I was a little nervous to give Emmett a pacifier, because I didn't want
to create an attachment that I would eventually have to wean him off
of, but I'm so glad I did. A friend bought him a Wubbanub, which is so adorable and Emmett still loves his monkey so much. The last couple weeks it has become his favorite "toy" to play with.
9. Wipes Warmer:
We LOVE our wipes warmer. Emmett has always been super sensitive to
cold temps (definitely an Arizona baby!), so cold baby wipes would immediately start
him shivering and sneezing when he was little tiny. So sad! We've used
this wipes warmer since he was a couple of days old, and I can't imagine
life without it. Besides warming Emmett's baby wipes, it also has a
night-light that I find super helpful for middle-of-the-night diaper
changes. It's bright enough that I don't have to turn on the overhead
light in his room and wake him up any more than I have to.
10. Bottle Cleaning Brush:
This is probably an obvious one, but we went without it for months, so
now that we have one I can't believe I ever lived without it. Since I
work outside of the home 40 hours a week, Emmett takes most of his meals
during the week from a bottle. So, I spend a LOT of time cleaning
bottles. This is a must-have!
I hope this is helpful! If you have any must-have's that I didn't mention, please let me know in the comment box below. I'm always on the look-out for products to make our chaotic life a little easier!
Friday, July 6, 2012
Emmett Arthur!!!!!
It's been almost a week since my little Emmett was born. Best week ever!!! Emmett is an ANGEL so far- so so sweet, so easy, and so cute! He eats like a champ, sleeps for long periods (which means mom gets some rest too), and he gives me more joy and happiness than I ever could have imagined. He's really the best thing ever.
I'll write about his birth story more later, but I wanted to jot down a few of the things that have stood out to me this week before I forget them forever.
- When they first handed Emmett to me he was crying of course, but as soon as I started talking to him he calmed right down and just stared at me with total recognition. He knew I was his mama as soon as he heard my voice. How amazing is that? It was such a sweet moment watching him realize it was me. I just held him and stared back in so much awe. He was so beautiful.
- Watching Ray those first few minutes was enough to break my heart a million times. He was so calm and relaxed during my labor, which really helped me to stay calm, and once Emmett was out it was so fun to watch his reactions. He seemed a little timid at first, and I have to admit I hogged the baby for as long as they let me, but Ray was so sweet, standing over us and watching and he kept saying how cute Emmett was. I could tell he was in love right away. He has been the biggest help to me so far- he jumps to help me with everything I need, he loves to hold Emmett and spend time with him, and he still keeps saying how cute he thinks he is. It's true- he's really really cute!
- Being a new mom is overwhelming and incredibly emotional. This is something I expected of course, but it's worth saying. You become so filled with love all in one tiny moment, and your entire life changes. Not to mention all the incredible and intense changes your body goes through in such a short time. The first few days were such a high and so so wonderful. I have never been so happy and everything feels so perfect. But it's a roller coaster as well. You worry about your baby and you worry about being the perfect mom, and I find myself putting a lot of pressure on myself to do everything and be everything and it's starting to wear me out. I'm trying to remind myself to take it slow and to learn as I go.
- Breastfeeding is hard. It hurts! But it's worth it. I was nervous about breastfeeding because I've read that so many moms have a really hard time with it, but with Emmett, it's a breeze. About an hour after he was born he sort of crawled his way down to my boob and with almost no effort at all he latched on and held on and he's been nursing like a champ ever since. But still, it's hard. I feel so badly for mom's who have to work really hard to feed their babies. It would break my heart to watch Emmett struggle to feed. Especially with my emotions being as raw and delicate as they are- I'm sure it leaves you feeling inadequate and like you're failing. That would be so hard. I'm praying for those moms! Today I pumped for the first time and HATED it. I had my first real break down afterwards because it hurt and it was awful and I just never want to do it again, but I have to because I'll have to pump a lot when I go back to work. Emmett wanted to eat soon after I finished pumping, and Ray wanted to feed him with a bottle because I'd just emptied all my milk, but I couldn't handle that and cried like a baby all over again. I'm just not ready to let go of that special time with him. Like I said, it's all very delicate when you're a new mom.
I'm sure there's more but Emmett is laying next to me with the sweetest little look on his face and I need to go snuggle him before I explode. I miss him even when he's right next to me. I'll leave you to bask in all the cuteness with a few pictures from Emmett's first few days in this world. Enjoy!
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| Meeting Grandpa Wilby! (We'll come up with a better name than that!) |
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| Ugh, this one kills me. So content after his first feed.) |
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| His Ree is his biggest fan! |
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| Emmett loves his Aunt Rachel! |
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| Here's a few of his visitors! |
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| First car ride, heading home! |
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| I can't stop kissing his squishy little cheeks! |
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| Meeting brother Bagel for the first time. It went really well! |
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