Currently. Loving the Little Things

Thinking about: This post. And what it meant for me. I sat down to think about 32 things that make me happy, and when I got up again I was different. I felt different, better, happier. What a simple concept, but one I'd never thought about really. Just making a point to think about and write down a few of the positive, happy, cheerful things in my life left me feeling positive, happy, cheerful. 

I want to do more of that. I'm trying to think of ways to make it a recurring thing here, but I will definitely continue to do it in my life. Every little while, when life is daunting or feels monotonous or I feel discontentment crawling in, I want to just sit down and write out a few things that are making me happy. Just little things. It's amazing how just focusing on the positive in a real way can completely change your perspective.

This highly edited beauty from Ray's phone has me swooning. Those buns. Gah!

Reading: I just read Corinna's post from this morning about One Thousand Gifts. I haven't read the book yet, and until now I had no idea what it was about, but I love the concept. It's exactly what I've been thinking about since Thursday. Making a running list of gifts, positives, good things, can be life changing.

Emmett slept in on Saturday until almost 9. We didn't know what to do with ourselves! We figured it out. ;)

Working on: Keeping life simple. Lately, that has meant staying home. Saying no to opportunities that complicate our life, even just a little bit. Staying away from shopping of any kind (I'll see you again one day, Target!). Focusing on the things that matter. For me, those are my family, and our home. So I'm working on making our home a place that I enjoy. I'm gardening, I'm cooking and cleaning, and doing all of it with a good attitude. I'm even kind of loving the housework. I'm working on enjoying the slow days, the "boring days." The monotony.

We are spending as little as we can, and I love the challenge. I've always loved shopping, and spending money whenever I wanted to. As I've gotten older and money seems to be harder to come by, I have slowly learned to spend less and less, and need less and less. While we're carrying our mortgage and our rent, I'm learning to spend next to nothing, and it's so exciting. I know that sounds crazy, but for me, it's a really good challenge and one that I'm really enjoying. I ignore emails from stores and delete them as soon as they come in. I stay home to avoid temptation to spend. I say no, and in my weak moments I ask Ray if I can buy a thing and he gently says no for me. It's a great exercise in self control, and it's been a good exercise in relying on my husband, on being open and honest with him about everything I'm spending. 

Sometimes having less can actually mean having more. Or maybe having "less" has just forced me to focus on all of the things that don't cost me much, or anything at all, and mean so much more than clothes or fancy lamps or that perfect end table. 

Jealous of: My sister Shea, who is in Oxford, England with her college soccer team this week. I'm seething with jealousy! But also excitement for her. I'm sort of buzzing with it. I lived in London for almost a year when I was 18 while I worked as a nanny, so London has a very special place in my heart. When she was preparing to go I wrote her an email telling her all of the places she should visit while she's in London later in the week, and it brought back a flood of memories. I was on my own in a big, amazing city, and I spent so much time exploring. Most people don't get opportunities like that, and it has been such a blessing in my life. 

So now I'm texting her constantly, begging for photos and a minute-by-minute play-by-play so that I can live vicariously through her. Ray and I are dying to go back, and maybe we will one day. I'd love to be able to wander those streets again, and show him all the places I loved to go. There's another reason to hold on to every penny we have. :)

Good hair really makes me feel like a new woman. Here's to more of that.

Cookies.

These two play together so well these days. Or, Emmett loves chasing Bagel around and Bagel mostly tolerates it.

I hope all of you had a great weekend! As always, I'm linking up with the lovely ladies at A Mama Collective to bring you this week's Currently. I hope you'll join us!

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32 Things Making Me Happy These Days

It's so easy for me to get caught up in the things, great and small, that are making my life more difficult/stressful/frustrating/insert all other negative adjectives because y'all know I'm dramatic. These days, I'm working hard to let go of the little things that are bothering me or not going my way to make more room at the front of my mind for all of the good going on around me. Because there's a lot of good, and lot of growth, a lot of beauty. So when I saw this on IG this morning, I couldn't wait till nap time so I could jump on my computer and copy Jenna. :)

I love this prompt.

1. Emmett's goofy little toothy grin. The one he tries to suppress. The one that surprises him just a little when it breaks out so wide across his face. I'd do anything to make him smile like that.

Bad photo, great smile.

2. Date nights with my husband, which are few and far between. We've got one coming up and I can't wait to have him all to myself, outside of the house, doing something fun together.

3. Veronica Mars. I'm rewatching all of the seasons and it's so good slash bad. Can't. Stop. Watching.

4. Trader Joe's Krispy Rice Milk Chocolate bars.

5. Fresh flowers in our home.

6. Our Arizona room. We're using it as Emmett's play room and our make-shift office. The views are so good, and there's so much space for activities.

7. Instagram. I love being able to see into the lives of people from all over the world. Other mama's, friends, photographers, shops I love, and so much more. Such a cool community.

8. Starbucks green tea. My one true (non-alcoholic drink) love. Once an every day necessity, it has become a rare treat.

9. Soft colors for spring. Give me light blues, greys, pale pinks, creams and whites for the next four months at least.

10. New underwear. There's just nothing like it for a pick-me-up when I'm feeling blah.

11. That moment at the end of the day when I lay Emmett down to sleep, quietly close his door, tiptoe into the kitchen, and turn to my husband as we let out a sigh in unison. We made it through another day.

12. Good hair days.

13. Ricotta cheese, as always.

14. Good friends! I'm blessed with many, thank God.

15. Handwritten notes in the mail. Happy mail never, ever gets old.

16. Coffee from our french press, made with love by my husband each morning.

17. Speaking of mornings, the way Emmett squeals "oatmayal!" from the kitchen while he waits loudly for Ray to make his breakfast. He says it with a drawl only rivaled in the Deep South and that makes me really, really happy.

18. Nap time.

19. Gardening. I've been dying to start a garden at our house, but first I had to clear out old dead plants and bushes to make a space. In the meantime, Emmett and I went to Lowe's yesterday to buy a few small flowering plants to pot on our patio. I'm pretty sure the Garden Center at Lowe's is my little Ferdinand the Bull's favorite place on earth, and I was able to satisfy my inner green thumb for a little while.

20. My brothers and sisters. Love them so.

21. All things gold and glittery.

22. Rain. It rained last night, sort of out of nowhere. When it rains in Arizona, you smell it before you see it. I love that smell, and I love the rain.

23. Fruit Ninja. It's a not-so-guilty pleasure of mine. I rejoice in high scores and my husband allows it because it keeps me from fidgeting while we watch House of Cards on the couch at night.

24. Housework. I know I know, that's ridiculous. But it's true! More on that later. :)

25. Brand new babies. I got to meet one last night and gah! They're so tiny and squishy and sweet!

26. Butter on bread. My all-time favorite, and the main reason I will always be a little bit fat. I'm okay with it.

27. They're Real mascara from Benefit. I don't splurge on many things, but this is a non-negotiable.

28. House Hunters. I love to judge the couples on the show for saying annoying things and choosing the wrong houses. It gets out my inner mean girl so I can be nice in the rest of my life.

29. My engagement ring/wedding band combo. They hold so many memories, and mean so much love. It's so good having constant reminders of my marriage on my finger, and they're just so pretty. :)

30. Chocolate cake. Give me alllllll the chocolate cake.

31. Twinkle lights in our back yard. They remind me of summertime, but the good parts of summertime, not the miserable, unrelenting, baking heat that ruins everything. This is a happy post, so I'm thinking about the good parts of summer. Splash pads and corn in season and watermelon and pool parties.

32. Presents. :)

Blessings

My friend and her husband are trying to have a baby. She had a miscarriage a few months back and yearns to be pregnant again. I know the feeling.

When she otld me today that the period she thought she missed finally reared it's ugly head this morning, I knew how much she was hurting. I know that agony. That wishing and hoping, that longing deep in your heart, that waiting all month with bated breath, only to be let down. I know what it is to feel frustrated, discouraged, sad at your core. To feel deflated and ready to give up each month, all the while knowing that you never will.

I wanted to hug my friend, and to encourage her. I told her not to be discouraged. That I know in my heart that her time will come. That she will be a mother soon. That God has a beautiful plan for her. I wanted to give her the same advice my dad always gives me: We have to step out in faith, act in faith, do our part and know, feel and know with all our hearts that God will bless us and give us the desires of our hearts. The desires that He has laid on our hearts and wants to fulfill. He wants to bless us and love us, we just have to let Him. And to have faith.

I know the truth of that in my heart. I know that it's true for her. So why is it so hard to believe for myself? Each month when the tests come back negative and I'm fighting back tears, why don't I reach for that knowing, that safe place of faith and hope for the good things and blessings that are sure to come? Why do I linger in sadness and disappointment, rather than leaning on those same encouraging words that I give my friend?

There's a lesson in there for me. I believe that everything, every single tiny little thing, happens for a reason. I know that my friend leans on me because God is urging her to, because she blesses me so much just by talking to me about what she's going through. He's using her to teach me, to help me to grow in my own faith.

My dad told me this week that God's blessings are like low-hanging fruit. They are there within reach, ripe for the picking. We just have to step out in faith, to ask God to bless us. We just have to reach up and grab them. So why do I settle for scraps?

School Zoo Day!

Last week, Emmett's school put on a "Zoofari" day! Every few months they have a farmer bring in baby animals for the kids to see and play with. I was able to leave work early to meet his little class in the animal pen. That photo above is what I saw when I walked in- tiny little Emmett surrounded by his favorite things- animals!

He loves animals so much. He wakes up in the morning making elephant and lion sounds, and goes to bed at night talking to his monkey. We make animal noises all day long, every day, so we were so excited for this special day! We talked about it all week, so he knew something special was happening on our way to school that day.

There were all kinds of different bunnies and chickens, two pretty white ducks, a pot-belly pig, and two four-day-old baby goats! It was so sweet to see all the kids watching the animals, and to see their excitement! Emmett was nervous but every few minutes he would run over and touch the pig or a chicken and crack up laughing as he ran back to me. I love to watch that boy be brave! It was really fun seeing his excitement to be playing with real, live animals!

This duck was hilarious! It followed Emmett around, making us both nervous. :)

Love that toothy grin!

He held my hand the whole time, just to be sure I was close by.

Just watching, in awe.

I love that little boy so much. And I'm so grateful that we found such sweet little school that he loves, that encourages his little mind and gives him such wonderful experiences. It has been such a gift for us the last few months!

Currently.

My boy, as he is most of the time these days. Wubbanub in his mouth, playing outside on his roller coaster.

Regretting: Some of the things I said in this post. I'm sad that some of my first thoughts when Ray told me it was finally time, I can finally quit my job! were selfish thoughts. I was worried about how I was going to handle being home all day. About getting bored and about how I was going to get work done and just nonsense. I'm sad that my thoughts immediately went to myself. I've been given this gift- this wonderful, beautiful gift- of more time at home with my sweet baby. I thought I would never get to do this, but God knows the desires of my heart and He made this happen, for me. Now that the anxiety and worry and excitement have worn off, now that I've had time to really reflect on what this change means for my family, I am so grateful. But why wasn't that my first thought?

Motherhood has caused me to see myself more clearly- to see my selfishness plain as day. I'm so thankful for that. I want to see my faults so that I can make myself better.

Looking Forward To: This weekend! My best friend from Georgia is coming into town with his girlfriend on Wednesday and I can't wait to see them! Thursday is my birthday (I'm turning 30.. That's a whole post in itself. Look for that soon.) so we are heading out of town to celebrate, sans baby. We're driving up north to Flagstaff on Friday, then taking our friends to see the Grand Canyon on Saturday. It's going to be freeeeezing! It's in the 70's and sunny here these days, so I'm looking forward to a weekend of real, actual winter.

Reading: The very first Inspector Rebus novel- Knots and Crosses. I've read all of the books in the series that are available on Kindle, and I'm so hooked! I have just one book left, the very last one, and I can't bring myself to read it because then it will all be over.

A couple of the early books in the series aren't available on Kindle, including the very first one- Knots and Crosses. My mom recently started reading the series and bought the paperback, so she sent it to me when she finished it. Thanks mom! I read it furiously yesterday while Ray and Emmett watched football. It filled in so many gaps and told me so much about Rebus's past. Anyway, I know this is getting boring for you. I'll move on.

Watching: We're caught up on Justified. Waiting a week for a new episode of a show is for the birds! I'm so used to binge-watching shows on our Roku that regular TV seems like such a hassle to me now. Patience. Working on learning what that word means...

So last night we started a new show that I've been dying to watch. Y'all know I love a good detective story, so when I saw the trailer for HBO's new show True Detective, I was hooked. Matthew McConaughey is on a roll right now, big time, and he's at his best in this show. He plays a philosophical, insomniac detective, haunted by his past and the death of his 2 year old daughter. It's serious in the best way, and Woody Harrelson (love me some Woody) adds just the right amount of comic relief.

Warning: This show is graphic, very adult in nature and not for the faint-of-heart. But if you're into creepy, haunting detective stories and don't mind a little smut, I'd definitely recommend it.

^^On Friday I took Emmett to the zoo. Mary had an extra culture pass from the Library (free passes to the zoo! Isn't that awesome?), so we picked it up and spent the morning running around looking at animals. Emmett especially loved the lion, the monkeys, and that fake zebra in the second photo. Silly boy.

^^He's really into climbing under tables and chairs lately. It means a few extra bumps on the head, but he's really proud of himself and thinks it's a really fun game. :)

^^ The other night I let him bring his little duck friends into the bath with him. He didn't realize they were bath balls that fizz away in the water, so he was really confused and then sad when his buddies disappeared. I should have known he'd be traumatized, but it was so funny (and sad)!

I hope you had a lovely weekend! Linking up with Jenny & of course, the lovely ladies at A Mama Collective!

 

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I Quit My Job Today: A Ramble

I am officially, well, in two weeks, a stay-at-home-mom. Ahhhhhhh!

I put in my two weeks this morning! This is my wildest dream come true. Since before I had Emmett, I knew I wanted to stay home with him, but we just couldn't afford it. We have a mortgage, and bills, and blah blah blah. It just wasn't doable. Until now!

We're sort of being forced into it, because we're losing our free and wonderful Thursday babysitter. Emmett goes to preschool three mornings a week while I work, and then I work a full day Thursday. Without that free full day of childcare, it just doesn't make sense for me to work, because we just can't afford to pay someone for another full day. So, we decided it was time for me to quit.

I have a second job doing freelance writing that I've been doing for about a month from home, and I really love it. So far it's going really well, and I've been able to get a lot done during Emmett's naps and in the evenings. It is a lot to juggle, but I like the work so it's been great.

So now, I'm a stay-at-home-mom. It's all I've ever wanted, but now that it's actually happening? I'm kind of terrified. Will I be good at it? Will I go crazy being home alone with a baby all day, every day? Will I lose my mind? I really like working part time. I like having to get up and get dressed in the morning. I like feeling like I'm contributing to our finances and feeling productive. On Fridays when I'm home with Emmett, we stay in our pj's and take the day really slowly. But that can't be the norm! Right?

I've been a ball of anxiety the last week thinking about all of the change that's coming in our lives. Quitting my job, something I've wanted to do for so long, is a huge step. We're also working really hard to get our house ready to go on the market, and we're hoping it sells quickly. We're living with my in-laws now, and we're hoping to rent a place sometime in the next few months if our house sells. We're trying to decide if we should keep Emmett in his little preschool a couple of mornings a week so that I can work, or if we should take him out to save money. If we do that, it will be a struggle for me to keep working during naptimes and evenings. But, we could really use a little extra money in the bank.

So, lots going on. Lots to be anxious about. Deep down, I know it will all work out, and there's nothing to worry about, but change is scary, especially when it comes in a deluge like it seems to be now. I'm feeling really relieved now that I've spoken to my boss and the ball is officially rolling. I'm actually ecstatic. So excited. A lot of the anxiety melted away and I can't wait to go spend some extra time with my little.

I hope I'll be a better mama to him now that I can be home and more focused on him. I hope I can learn to be content at home, just the two of us. I hope I can learn to let go of the work that needs to be done and just be present to Emmett while I'm with him. I know this will be a time of growing and learning and stretching myself, which is always a good thing. I'm ready for this, and can't wait to get started!

Seeing more of this sweet face can never be a bad thing!

Tonight At Trader Joe's

Tonight I ran to Trader Joe's to pick up a cheap bottle of wine and some fig butter (thanks Corinna for the recommendation!). As I walked into the store I noticed a woman and child across the parking lot holding a sign that said "I don't have a job. I need food for my two children. Please help." I wanted to do something for her but I was in a hurry so I went ahead and bought my groceries and ran back out the door. On my way out I gave the woman the money I had in my wallet, which wasn't much, and was glad I was able to help in some small way.

As I drove off, that small joy I felt vanished as I thought about a hundred other ways I could have helped that little family. I should have bought her a bag of groceries. I don't know if she has access to an oven or microwave, but I could have bought bread and cheese and bottled water. I should have asked if they were cold. I should have given her the warm gloves I had in my pocket and given my scarf to the little girl. I should have bought a hot chocolate from the bookstore next door to warm her little children. I was in a hurry, but I could have spared some time to talk to her, ask her what she really needs. I should have asked her how I can pray for her. I should have given her the coat off my back.

I could have done more to help her, but I was too caught up in my own little agenda. I was worried about my own family at home waiting for their dinner. Ray and I have never had a lot, and money is especially tight now that I am working part time, but we have enough. I worry about Christmas presents and paying for flights home to Georgia for the holidays, but we have food on our table every night and warm beds to sleep in. We have what we need. There I was buying fig butter and wine while a small family was begging for food just a few feet away.

I haven't been able to let go of the image in my mind of that woman and her child, brought low and asking for help. Or the look on her face when I offered what little help I could. I pray for that family, that they will be blessed in the coming days and weeks. That God will pour out his blessings on them, and that their basic needs will be met. I pray for the mother, that she won't have to worry any more about how she's going to feed her babies each day. And I pray for her children, that when they're older they remember their mother as she was tonight, sacrificing her pride to feed her children.

I can't imagine what it must be like to want for food and water, for shelter and warmth. I hope that I'll always remember that little family and that I will always be grateful for the ways that God provides for me and my family. And I hope that next time I'm given the opportunity to help someone in need, I will do better. Please Jesus, make me better.

Blessings

I've been thinking a lot about what I said (typed) the other day. I've realized that I was focusing on the negative things that have happened the last few months, and not giving enough thought to the blessings we've experienced. So, I'm going to re-tell the story, with a new perspective.

After a year + of working full-time, and spending so much time away from Emmett, I was given the unexpected opportunity to stay home part time. This opportunity presented itself as a seemingly negative out-of-the-blue how-are-we-gonna-get-through-this surprise, but almost immediately I saw it for the blessing-in-disguise that it really was. It's been a huge gift to our family in so many ways and I'm incredibly thankful for this change.

After being open to another baby for months, we became pregnant with our second child in August. I carried him for 8 short but beautiful weeks before he went to heaven to wait for us. I loved those weeks with him, and I'm so grateful for that time. Once the problems began, so many friends and family members and even strangers began to pray for us, and we experienced so much joy and peace during those weeks. After I lost the baby, I experienced an outpouring of love and grace thanks to all of the prayers, cards, text messages, and emails sent to me by all of the people who love me. I encountered so many women who've experienced the loss of a child, and I knew that I wasn't alone. So many of you reached out to me to let me know that I'd be okay, and that you were praying for us. I feel so loved and so blessed by all of you.

We've struggled with finding the perfect child-care for Emmett as long as we've had him. Every time we get into a good routine, something changes and we find ourselves searching once again for the perfect solution. When Lucia moved home, we knew we wanted to put Emmett into a daycare-type situation part time so that he could spend time with other children, and we ended up finding a place that we really really love. It's a pre-school run by a church just down the street from our house. They take infants up to 5 years old, and Emmett has really grown to love it. He's excited to go in the mornings and he's playing happily right until I scoop him up to take him home in the afternoon. I love his teachers and all of the staff and really couldn't be happier with the whole program. This has been such an enormous relief for me! It makes going to work so much easier, and I know God is using that place to bless me and many other families.

A few weeks ago, we moved in with Ray's parents, which has been hard and humbling in a lot of ways. But it's also been a huge blessing. It's taken a big financial weight off of our shoulders, allowed us to relax a little bit, and has given me the freedom to work part time and spend the rest of my time at home with Emmett. It's allowed us to spend more time with family which I know is a huge gift for Emmett, and it's helped us to simplify our life. We are in a much smaller space than we're used to, so we've scaled down our possessions and life just seems simpler now.

Before my hours were cut, we were always in a rush. We rushed to get ready each morning and then flew out the door just in time to get Emmett to school and then sped to get to work on time. We rushed home in the evenings in time to throw dinner together and spend a few measly minutes with Emmet before we rushed through his bedtime routine and put him down to sleep. Everything we did was rushed and stressed and exhausting. Now, we can relax. We have time to spend together, time to talk to each other and listen to each other and time to just be as a family. We play with Emmett and watch him learn and love every single minute of it. We don't have to worry about making dinner every night because we have dinner with Ray's family most evenings. What a blessing.

While the last few months have been so hard and have stretched us and forced us to change our plans and our minds over and over again, we've also been blessed in so many beautiful ways. We are being forced to trust in God and in His plan for our life, but He's given us the grace and the peace that we've needed as well. He's holding us in His hands, and we feel that every day. We are blessed y'all, and we can't wait to see what comes next.