Currently. Nine

Thinking about: My mind, and how it's always racing these days. Is that just motherhood? I used to have a quiet mind. I used to be able to relax, rest, to just be. These days, my mind races with the million things that need doing, the things that need worrying about. Of course I know that worrying doesn't help. I know that God is in control of my life and that my worrying is of absolutely no consequence to how things will turn out. But still, I worry.

This weekend we moved into our new place. It was a crazy weekend, full of ups and downs and sometimes I feel like my whole life is an emotional roller coaster. The lows are low and the highs are higher than I knew they could be. But life didn't use to have those highs and lows for me. I never thought of myself as an emotional person, until I had Emmett and even more after Oliver. My heart is more sensitive than ever before, and my mind is full of thoughts and anxieties, day in and day out. Resting in the quiet is harder than ever before.

My husband worked so hard this weekend to get us moved in and settled before the new week began. He works so hard for us, always. I'm struck by him, by his selflessness and his servant's heart, so often. He's a good father and a gentle and loving husband. When I see the good in him it's almost like a mirror, reflecting back on me my own flaws. When I see him do so much good for us, it makes me realize all the ways I'm failing to do good for he and Emmett and makes me want to be better.

Photo of us at a wedding last weekend, courtesy of Nick Garza of Square One Photography.

Over the weekend I was reflecting on that saying (there are probably a few sayings) about how you marry one person, but that person changes over and over again and marriage is about falling in love with that new person over and over again. Or learning to love the new person. The saying is fuzzy in my mind but the point is, my husband is still the man I married two and a half years ago, only better. He is everything I thought he would be as a husband and a father. But am I? I feel like a very different person than I was when we married. With more thoughts, more anxieties, more fears and worries, and more love too. I'm not sure if I'm who he was expecting when he married me, but I do know that he loves me still, and loves me well.

Emmett insisted on wearing a tutu at our friend Evie's last week.

He makes a cute ballerina. ;)

Watching: The Oscars! I only watched until about nine last night but I'm still buzzing over it. I love a good red carpet and last night did not disappoint! Lupita Nyong'o was so beautiful, and that speech she gave had me in tears! And of course JLaw was her usual beautiful, awkward, amazing self.  I also loved Jared Leto's speech. And just looking at Jared Leto all night. Here's a fun summary.

Looking forward to: Just living, as a family, in our new house. I'm looking forward to afternoons in the back yard with Emmett. Dinners just the three of us. Quiet evenings at home with Ray, binge-watching House of Cards and eating dinner in front of the tv. I'm looking forward to having friends over to play or have dinner, sharing our home again. I'm excited to decorate, to clean and do laundry in my own laundry room! To hang pictures in Emmett's room and set up his little play room. All the things we've been missing the past few months. We are so excited to be moved in to our own place again!

Bubbles with friends in our back yard yesterday. That yard is my favorite part of this new house!

I hope you had a lovely weekend! Linking up with Jenny & of course, the lovely ladies at A Mama Collective!

 

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2 Years!

Today is our 2nd Wedding Anniversary! This time two years ago we were in Augusta, Georgia, surrounded by our friends and family, getting ready to be married. We were so excited that day, so happy, and couldn't wait to begin our lives together! It was such a perfect day, and these last two years have brought us so much more than we ever could have expected.

I knew when I married him that Ray would be a wonderful husband. I knew he'd always take care of me, that he'd be strong and constant and loving. But I didn't know how much I would need him, how much I would lean on him. I knew he'd make an amazing father. But I couldn't have imagined how my heart would swell over and over each day as I watch him play with Emmett and take care of him. I knew Ray was a good man, but I didn't know how good. I am so blessed to have him, truly my better half, and I love him more and more each day.

Our wedding day was magic! And these last two years have been even better. I love you so much, Ray. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life trying to be as good to you as you are to me.

Dancing to a song sung by my best friend, written by a friend of his. Magic.

All photos by the wonderful and amazing Tim Willoughby of TimWill Photography. 

Happy Days

Things have been pretty bleak on the blog this Summer, but life is good and happy and free these days so I want to share a little bit about that with y'all today.

First of all, the weather in AZ has started to cool. Don't go crazy, it's still in the 90's during the day but the low 90's is so so so much better than anything over 100, so I'm ecstatic. Like, really happy. We've eaten dinner outside a few times the last few days and in the afternoons I can let Emmett outside to play on the patio while I do dishes or sweep the floors. Oh my gosh he loves to be outside! It's such a relief to finally be able to let him play outside. He comes in and out through the doggy door, which he thinks is hilarious and I think is pretty strange and maybe awful now that I'm telling you about it. But that way I don't have to lose our precious AC and can keep the flies out, but he's free to come and go as he pleases.

It's win-win, since I can actually get things done, and he's happy and tantrum free. Oh glorious weather! It won't actually feel like Fall here until after Halloween, but any drop in degrees makes me a happy happy camper.

Our new schedule is wonderful so far. I can't tell you how much I love spending my afternoons at home with Emmett. I leave work at noon, pick Emmett up from "school", and we eat a quick lunch together. Then we cuddle before his nap. While he sleeps I read or clean or nap, and then we cuddle again while he wakes up. All this cuddling is just what we both need. It warms my heart and I can tell he's more peaceful and secure after spending that time together. This is what I've been missing the last year!

Things are so much more peaceful now. I am able to be truly present to him, for hours each day. I feel peaceful. Like I'm finally right where I'm supposed to be. It feels so good to give so much more of myself to my baby boy. This is the motherhood I've been missing, craving, needing. I am so grateful.

Things have been hard lately, really hard. But it's starting to turn around. I can already feel the positives that have come from the tough things our little family has had to endure. We're stronger, closer, more in love than we were. We know now that no matter what this life throws at us, we'll get through it together and come out okay. I appreciate my husband and my little Emmett more than ever, and feel so so blessed to have them.

So things are good. Beautiful, peaceful, sunny and warm (not hot). I am blessed, and so happy.

P.S. I'm trying these out for a little snack before dinner tonight. I'll let you know how they turn out!

One Foot In Front Of The Other

The contractions started on Friday night. They weren't strong, and only lasted for a couple of hours. The next day they were worse, but still only lasted for a couple of hours at a time and then stopped. Sunday morning there was nothing, just the bleeding that's become my normal. Then Sunday afternoon as Emmett napped, I lay on the couch with Ray timing contractions until they seemed like one big contraction, never slowing or easing for more than a few seconds at a time. I felt the urge to push, so I went upstairs. Still, when it happened I was shocked. Maybe in shock is more accurate. I couldn't believe it was happening, and I couldn't believe the pain I felt in that moment.

The physical pain was bad, but not as bad as I expected it would be. But the pain in my heart was like nothing I've ever experienced before. It surprised me too, scared me and tore me apart and then left me feeling numb. While it happened I cried ugly, loud, awful cries- sounds I'd never made before and I'm sure my husband had never heard before. He sat outside the bathroom until I called for him. There was fear and worry in his voice when he asked if I was okay. I'm not sure if I answered but I wasn't okay. I was just pain and hurt and more pain, nothing else. A mama without her baby.

Then it was over, and I was so tired. I'm still so tired. I told a friend yesterday that I don't think I've processed it all yet. I don't think it's hit me. I feel peaceful, a little numb, but the pain is gone. It comes back for a few moments, out of the blue, and my eyes fill with tears and I choke on the sobs welling in my throat. But mostly I'm just moving forward, minute by minute and day by day, one foot in front of the other.

There is so much to say, but I can't say it yet. I can't even think about it too much yet. I need to heal, to process, to keep moving forward. We feel broken, but at the same time we feel more whole than before. Closer together and stronger than we were. We're doing okay.

Thank you for your prayers, for your kind words and advice. You helped me through some of the hardest days and weeks of my life so far, and for that I am tremendously grateful. Thank you.

5 Favorites

Yesterday for the first time my labs came back with less than ideal results. We aren't sure what it means yet and the doctor threw out a strange possible answer to everything that's been going on but it's too strange and too hard to think about so I am numb. We've all got a cold and I can hardly bring myself to get out of bed, so in an effort to pull myself out of this black hole and focus on the positive things in our life, I thought I would join Grace to share my current Five Favorites.

1: This kid, on the beach last week:

I plan on writing a whole post about our trip later, but memories of Emmett so happy and sandy on the beach are bright spots in my mind right now, so I wanted to share a few photos.

2: Lucia. This deserves a whole post also, but I want to give her  a little shout out here. My sister left everything behind and moved in with us in February, pretty much at the drop of a hat, to help with Emmett when our child care situation changed suddenly and we needed help. She has saved us all kinds of money, all kinds of heartache, and has blessed us so much these last 8 months. It's been wonderful knowing each day that Emmett is taken care of, and that he's with his aunt who loves him so much. Yesterday when Ci realized I was feeling really sick with a cold, she jumped into action making my mom's potato soup- my favorite when I'm sick or it's cold or just when I'm feeling homesick.

Cia leaves next week to go back home to Georgia, and my gosh, we are going to miss her. Thanks for everything you do for us Ci. We love you!

3: Ray, you dear dear man. The last few weeks have been especially hard on me, and my dear sweet husband has been such a rock. He manages to make me laugh, make me forget about what ails me, and has jumped right in to help take over Emmett duties when I just need rest. Most days that means a long day at work, then home to help with Emmett's dinner, bath, and bedtime routine, then making dinner, doing dishes, and then homework. He never complains, never balks, just tells me to go relax and takes care of everything. I'm a lucky girl, and I really don't know what I'd do without him.

Baby boy waiting for Daddy to come home.

4 & 5: I'm blanking, sinking back into numbness, but I want to hold on just long enough to wish my dad a happy belated birthday. My dad is my hero, and my direct link to God. I know his prayers get answered, and I know he's praying for me now. This is reassuring- Things may not turn out the way I want them to, but I know that whatever the outcome, my dad's prayers for me will be answered and everything will be okay, eventually.

How We Met

Inspired by Grace's link up (and adorable love story), I've decided to write the story of how I met my man.

I moved to Arizona care of San Diego in April of 2010 (or was it 2009? Yes, it was 2009). That's a whole story in itself but I'll spare you. I was trying to get away from an awful situation and thank God I did. Anyhoooo back to the good stuff.

I went to stay with friends of friends (the most wonderful family) in San Diego for a few weeks, and during that time I made plans to visit other friends of the same friends in Tempe, AZ for a week or so. The who and why is all very complicated but suffice it to say, I came to Arizona at the end of May to visit for a week. The first day I arrived I went with friends to a graduation party. I felt right at home with all of the people I met and made friends right away. I met Ray that night, but that part is all very fuzzy. I blame the Arizona heat and the beers and the ensuing dehydration. I'm from Georgia where we basically breathe water all day so I never ever ever drank water in my life. I drank plenty of sweet tea of course, but water was foreign to me. Again, anyhoooo..

A few days into my week in Arizona, I began to realize that I needed more time here. I needed to stay. The family I was staying with had extra space and four children (grown children) my age, and they approached me with the offer to let me stay. They told me that they sensed I was meant to be in Arizona for a while, just like I did. Isn't that amazing?

So I stayed. I went back to San Diego to get my things and made the move to AZ just at the beginning of Summer. It was a tough decision for me because I love my family so much and the thought of staying away from them for an undetermined amount of time was very very VERY difficult for me. But I knew it was the right move somehow, and all of the people around me seemed to know it too. I had so many emotional discussions with my dad about it, and he kept reassuring me that he felt like there was something for me in Arizona (little did we know..), so I felt a little better.

I spent the Summer meeting people, mostly through the family I was staying with, and I was able to make a lot of really wonderful friends in a short time. I felt so welcome and at home here. I continued to see Ray pretty often in groups, but I wasn't interested in dating AT ALL during that time so I really didn't notice him.

Over the Summer there were boys in our group of friends that began to show interest in me. In particular, Ray's best friend (sorry Joe!). Our group is full of very big, loud personalities, and these boys were no exception. But there was one boy who stayed in the background, never trying too hard to spend time with me or talk to me or get my attention, and after a while I began to notice. In the end that's how he got my attention. He'll tell you that was his plan all along, but who knows.

I developed a little crush on him, and eventually got his number from his best friend (again, sorry Joe!), and we started texting back and forth. We hung out in groups a lot and over the next few months we began to spend time together without the group. I was really hesitant because like I said, I wasn't interested in dating anyone at all any time soon, but I knew that Ray was special so we took it really slow. I had a really hard time with the whole thing because I guess I knew that dating Ray meant staying in Arizona, and staying in Arizona meant staying away from Georgia and my family.

Our very first photo together.. It's great, I know.

In the end, obviously, we began dating and after a year he proposed. After another year we were married, 9 months and one day later Emmett was born, and now it's been a year since then! Ohhhh there is so much more to the story but I don't have a clever ending so this is it!!

And now, because I can't resist:

This is my "stop taking pictures of us and making this brand new sort of dating thing awkward!" face.

Ohhhh 20's parties are fun but the costumes are sooooo unfortunate. For me. Ray looks great.

Ohh that unfortunate growing-out-your-bangerangs stage.

The day we got engaged. Swoon. Also I need to find those sunglasses!

Ray's first trip to meet my family in Georgia. Here we are at my favorite FAVORITE restuarant, Veracruz with my little brother who is not that little anymore AT ALL. 

In my parent's front yard. Ray's hair is amazing.

In the Huddle House in my hometown laaaate at night after the bar. Those were the days!

And there you have it! The story of how it alllllllll began.