Will I Get To Keep You?

A letter to my littlest love, when I was most afraid of losing him (or her):

Wednesday, August 28th.

Dear sweet tiny tiny baby, growing inside my belly,

Today we are waiting to find out if you are growing, becoming strong and healthy. I am spotting, and I am so scared. We saw the doctor yesterday, and had an ultra sound, but you were too small to see. So small and fragile, I'm trying so hard to provide a perfect environment for you to grow. They drew my blood to test my hormone levels, and my HCG was right where it should be. I'm holding on to that with a vice grip, hoping and praying with all my might that you are growing and thriving in there. My Progesterone levels are really low though, which could mean..

Sweet little angel, I want you so badly. I want to hold you one day, to kiss your tiny cheeks and look into your tiny litte eyes and memorize every tiny little detail of your perfect, strong little body. I love you little one, please keep growing for your mama.

I'm trying not to lose heart. I'm trying so hard to believe that you are going to be okay, that you're going to grow up, big and strong, to fill my little mama's heart up to bursting, like your big brother has done.

I wanted to write to you the day I found out you were growing inside me. I wanted to but I didn't because I thought, I'll have this little baby forever, there's no hurry. I was so happy that day. So scared, because I knew I had a huge responsibility to take care of you and build a life for you and I wanted so badly to make everything perfect before you came out into the world. But I was so thrilled, so excited. When I told your daddy he was so happy. Another baby! he said. Another baby. Another baby.

We love you little one. Keep growing for us. Keep growing. We promise to love you so much, forever. Please be okay sweet angel.

Dear Emmett: Almost 11 Months

Dear Emmett boy,

You'll be 11 months old on Saturday! I can't believe it- one more month until you're a whole year old! I try not to think about that too much because I don't think I'm ready. You're getting big, baby boy.

You're doing so many things that I love right now! You chase the dog around the house, dying laughing whenever you catch up to him. You love to drive him crazy. You have a little dump truck that you "drive" around the house- you stuff it full of all your toys and Wubbanubs and push it all over the place running behind it. I can't believe how fast you move! You love to be chased by us and crack up whenever you realize we're following behind you.

You LOVE to swim! Your Aunt Lulu takes you swimming almost every afternoon, and your favorite thing is to lay on your belly in her arms kicking and splashing. Being in the water with you is so much fun! Bath time every night is your second favorite thing, after swimming. I give you your bath each night, and I love to put my feet in the water and play with you until you get all wrinkly and tired out.

You're eating like crazy- anything and everything we eat. You huff and puff and fuss when you see anyone eat anything until we share a bite with you. Your favorite food is meat. Any meat. When there is meat on your plate, you eat it all first before touching your veggies or fruit. Can't blame you for that!

You still love to nurse, maybe more than ever, and I love spending that time with you first thing in the morning and in the evenings after work. (And 2-4 times in the night...) Whenever you want to nurse you pull on my shirt now and fuss and make silly noises until I feed you. I think it's probably time for us to wean you, but I don't think either of us are quite ready.

You still love sitting in your little chair in your room. Every time we're in your room you crawl over to your chair and slap it until we pick you up and sit you down. Then you smile your funny little closed-mouth smile and say "yaaaaaaaay" in an almost whisper. It's pretty awesome. You dangle your little legs over the edges and then reach for us to pull you back down to the floor so we can do it all over again. We don't mind though, since it makes you so happy.

You love stuffed animals. Your mom has been collecting funny little stuffed animals since before you were born, and we've been taking a new one out every week or so to introduce you to. You're always a little shy at first, but after a couple of minutes you grab your animal and give them a big bite/kiss on the nose, and then you're fast friends. I'm not sure why, but every time you pick up one of your animals you smile a huge smile and bite/kiss them right on the nose. We love it.

A couple of weeks ago you discovered the doggy door. You are a brave boy, so you crawled right through it onto the patio without any hesitation! You scared your Aunt Lucia half to death, but we all thought it was pretty funny anyway. We're locking it now so you don't disappear outside when we're not looking!

You're repeating a few sounds and even learning a few "words" lately! You say "uhoh" when you drop or throw something on the ground, which is about 3,000 times a day. You say "dada" all day, but you've been saying it whenever your dad comes into the room or smiles at you, so I really think you know it means daddy. Your Mim taught you to say "up" whenever you climb up our legs and want us to pick you up, which we think is pretty smart and awesome! You say mamamamama a lot, but you've only said it to me a few times so I don't think you've got that one down just yet. I can't wait to hear you really talking, telling me about your day and letting me into that perfect little mind of yours. Oh my gosh it makes me so happy to think about that!

Your dad and I think you'll be standing on your own and then walking in no time! You still crawl around, but you prefer to be on your hands and feet than on your knees, and you'd much rather be walking around the table or couch or anything else you can hold on to. You've started to let go and stand by yourself for a few seconds at a time, but you always catch yourself and drop to your bum when you realize what you're doing. We love to watch you learn and grow so much.

Your mom is still your favorite, thank God. You love your dad and your Aunt Lulu and everyone else in our family, but you prefer your mom all the time. You always want me to hold you, and smile and wave now whenever I walk into the room. It makes my heart swell! You're such a sweet boy.

You make your mom and dad so happy Emmett boy. You're amazing and smart and funny and cute! We wouldn't change a single thing (except your sleep habits!) about you. We think you're perfect!

I love you Emmett, more than anyone has ever loved anyone in the whole history of the world. I'm so happy I get to be your mama!

You love crawling around in the grass lately!

The other day I got up early with you and headed to the park.
We shared some fruit for breakfast in the grass and played on the swings for a while.
It was so special and fun!

Those teeeeeeth!

Visiting your mama at work- always makes my day so much better!

Dear Emmett, 9 Months

Dear Emmett Boy,

You're getting so big! Your dad and I can't believe you're already 9 months old! You're still a tiny little guy (only in about the 3rd percentile for weight!), but to us you seem bigger and bigger every day. You've grown so much in the last month, since you've been eating non stop and using all your little muscles!

I remember my friends saying their favorite age for their babies was 9 months, and I totally agree! You are SO MUCH FUN lately! You're happy all the time, full of energy, and all you want to do is play! You wake up in the morning all smiles, so excited for the day, and you don't stop smiling until your little head hits your mattress.

Each morning when you wake up, we bring you into bed with us and try to sneak in a few snuggles. You are so sweet early in the morning- so excited to see us and you're still so soft and warm from sleep. You eat the most first thing in the morning, which makes your mama happy since you're way too busy to nurse these days. This week your favorite thing to do is give your mama raspberries on my belly, which makes us all laugh and laugh! But once you see little Bagel the snuggles are over! You get so excited and scream and yell until we let you play with him. You love that dog so much!

Poor Bagel. You spend most of your day chasing him around the house and pulling on his ears and tail. Every time you get distracted and Bagel finally gets to rest, you discover him all over again- you get this funny little look on your face like you can't wait to go torture him some more! Your favorite thing to do with your food is grab it in hand-fulls and throw it down for Bagel. He loves it and you laugh every time.

Here's a little Vine video of Emmett sharing his dinner with Bagel (Do ya'll have that app? So fun!). More here and another really cute one here.

Up until this week, you've been eating so many new foods! Whenever your dad or mama or your aunt Lulu are eating, you get really excited and beg for us to let you have some too. You've been eating turkey sausage, beans, avocado, corn, vegetables, a little pork, and everything else you see us eating.

Trying eggs and sausage at an Easter pool party!

Wanna try some mama?

Such a silly boy!

But this week something crazy has happened that's made you eat a lot less than normal... You're finally cutting teeth! Your two top teeth are popping through, so your poor little mouth is hurting. I couldn't believe it when I saw that tiny little tooth coming through your gum. I was so excited and so proud of you, but also a little sad because this means you're growing up! You haven't been sleeping very well (what else is new!) since we found that little tooth, but you're still so happy all day long. Your mom and dad are pretty tired, but we know you'll get back to normal soon.

Your aunt Lulu (my sister Lucia) is your nanny, which makes you a very lucky boy! She loves you so much and plays with you all day long, which makes your mama very happy. We love not having to worry about you while we're missing you at work, and you love going for walks with her. She took you to the pool today for the first time this summer, and you loved it!! Lulu can't wait till it's warm enough to swim all day.

I took this picture of you while I was home on my lunch break today. Your tongue has been out ALL WEEK since your little teeth started coming through!

I still have such a hard time leaving you at home to go to work every day baby boy. You're so much fun right now, so all I want to do is stay home and play with you! I wish I could stay at home with you every day, so we play as much as we can in the mornings and evenings. I kiss you a thousand times before I leave, and another thousand times when I come home to make up for all the ones I missed during the day. Your dad and I never want to leave you on the weekends because we love having whole days to spend all together. Whenever you are sleeping we talk about how we miss you and can't wait till you wake up!

Hanging out with Daddy after work yesterday!

So excited to see you after work today!

You are so wild! You wake up ready to go and don't sit still for a second all day long. You try to stand up by yourself now- you pull yourself up on something and then just let go and stand for a couple of seconds, and everyone's heart stops while we count the seconds! Your record is still just a few wobbly seconds, but it's pretty exciting to watch you try. You're getting better at moving around now too. You crawl SO FAST and you walk around the coffee table holding on with one hand now. You love the stairs, and can get up them so fast! We stay right behind you the whole time though because you're totally fearless and try to stand up while you're climbing. You always go for the most dangerous thing you can find- like the stairs in our house, or the sidewalk if we're playing in the grass outside.

Playing in the grass today. You love getting dirty!

You have been way too busy to nurse lately, so I look forward to our time together when you are really sleepy just before bed. You wake up in the middle of the night at least a couple of times still to eat, but I don't mind too much. I like to think it's because you miss me too during the day, so you wake up just to spend a little extra time with me at night. :)

You're filling our days (and nights!) with so much joy baby boy. We love you more every day, and we can't wait to watch you grow and learn more and more as you get older. You're such a good, sweet, happy boy, and you make your mom and dad feel like the luckiest parents in the world!

Here we are on Easter Sunday! It's a weird photo but we don't get very many all together!

I love you sweet Emmett boy!

Your mama

Dear Emmett, 2 months

Dear Emmett Boy,

You are 2 months old now, and I'm only just writing my first blog post since you were born. I wish I had written before, because so much has happened that I want to remember. I wish I had written everything down, so that you could read it later and you could see how much I loved you these first 2 months. But I didn't write, because I've been too busy staring at you every second I can, and holding you and snuggling you and kissing your sweet little face.

You're growing so fast. I keep asking you to stop but you just won't listen to your mama! Every day when I come home from work you seem like a different baby- bigger and cuter and smarter. Last week you started sitting in our laps, content to just squirm and coo and look around at the world. Before you wanted me to hold you against my chest all the time, and walk around the house so you could see everything. You never liked me to sit for very long because you just love to look at things, and one view for too long got boring. But now you're a grown up baby, so you can entertain yourself and you love just sitting and being with your mom and dad. I hope that lasts forever!

You had your 2 month check up last Wednesday. I was so scared going there because everyone told me it would be a awful. The nurse gave you 4 shots, 2 in each thigh, and they hurt you so much! But you were a champ- you cried when she stuck you but not as much as I thought you would. You were so strong that I didn't even cry, which is a big deal because so far I've cried every time a needle get's close to you. I just hate seeing you hurting! When we went home, you were a sad baby all afternoon because your little legs hurt every time you kicked, and kicking is your favorite thing to do. So you just snuggled with your mom and slept on my chest all day, and we just hung out and enjoyed getting to be with you on a Wednesday afternoon. 

At your check up you were 10 lbs, 9 oz, and 24 inches tall! That puts you in the 25th percentile for weight and the 75th percentile for height.Tall baby! Your doctor says you are perfect and healthy and that made your mom so so happy. You are such a dream!

Your dad and I are so in love with you, our friends are probably getting sick of hearing about you. (Not really, they love you too..) We knew we would love you so much, but we didn't know it would be THIS much. We just smile at each other all day when we're with you, because we know you are perfect and we know that we made you, and it makes us love each other even more. Your dad says I call you an angel a hundred times a day, and I tell him that that's nothing, I say you are an angel one thousand times a day in my head. You're a perfect little angel boy and I'm just so happy and lucky to have you. 

Your dad and I had to go back to work when you were 6 weeks old, and it was so so hard for us. You were still so tiny and needed us so much, but we had to do it so that we can afford to take care of you and give you all the things you need. We did it because we would do anything for you, even if it's hard. Even if it means we don't get to be with you all day like we want to. I miss you every second I'm at work, and your dad and I talk about you all day long. And when work is over we rush home as fast as we can so that we can hold you and kiss you and tell you how much we missed you. But boy, do we wish we could stay home with you all the time.

Your favorite place to be in our house is in your nursery, lying on your changing table. Sometimes when you are upset, or tired, or mad or crying, we lay you down there and you immediately calm down and look around and then you are smiling in no time. It's our favorite place too now because that's where you smile and laugh the most. Every morning when we wake up I take you there to change your diaper and get you dressed for the day, and every morning you laugh and laugh and I laugh too and I also cry a little, because I just love you so much. Your dad and I worked hard to make your room special for you, and we're so glad that you love it there. We call it your happy place, and I think now it is my happy place too. It's the most amazing thing to see you look at me and smile, knowing that you know I'm your mama and knowing that you love me just like I love you. And knowing that you think I'm funny is pretty great too. 

Your favorite thing to do right now is standing up. You started loving it about a week ago. You are such a strong boy already- your dad holds you around the waist and you just stand there looking around, holding your head up like a champ, and we are so proud of you! We know you are a special baby and you're strong, and that you're learning faster than most babies do. Your dad thinks you'll be crawling in no time, but I hope that's not true because I want you to stay a little baby forever. I want you to always need me to carry you, and snuggle you and give you a million kisses. But I know soon you will be a little boy, moving around on your own and you won't need me to hold you anymore.

You are the most handsome little baby your dad and I have ever seen. I know everyone says that about their babies but it's really true with you. You are beautiful. And you were from the first moment we saw you. You had perfect skin and wide awake eyes and you were just so cute! Every day you get more handsome. And every where we go people tell us how they think you're such a good looking boy. It was hard for us to tell at first who you looked like- to me you looked like your uncle Micah for the first few weeks. And you still do a little bit, but now you have your mama's chin, and maybe my mouth too, and you look more like your dad every day. It makes us happy that you look like us. You're our boy, and everyone can tell when they look at you! 

I take pictures of you constantly, and post them to Facebook all the time for our family in Georgia to see. Sometimes I think you're gonna start calling my iPhone Mama because I have it in your face so often. But I want to remember every single look on your face and every single thing you did, and I want my family to see it too. They all love you so much, even the ones who haven't met you, and I want them to get to know you as much as they can from far away. We are going to Georgia next month, and I can't wait to show you off to everyone! You are going to be the most spoiled grand baby/nephew there ever was.

You are such an easy, happy baby. You only cry when you're really hungry, really tired, or when your dog brother Bagel barks really loud at the mailman and scares you to death. That is your saddest cry, and the one I like the least because you cry real tears. We're working on that, but Bagel just wants to protect you. Your dad pointed out to me that every night when you wake up to eat, when you start crying Bagel goes over to your bassinet and checks on you, and then when I pick you up to feed you he goes and lays down in front of the bedroom door. He stays there guarding the door until we are both asleep again. I am always so tired when this happens so I didn't notice, but since your dad told me I started paying attention and he's right! Bagel loves you after all! We weren't sure because before you came along Bagel got so much love and attention from us, but now we spend all our energy loving you and taking care of you, and Bagel kinda gets ignored, poor thing. I can't wait till you are older and you and Bagel are best friends. 

Your dad loves you so much. He can't wait till you are bigger so that he can play with you all the time, but for now he is happy to hang out with you, teach you about things, and play with you any way he can. He loves to show you your rattle, which you LOVE, and he loves to do tummy time with you and teach you how to kick your legs and lift your head. Lately his new favorite thing is laying you down and talking with you. You always talk the most when you're laying on your back, and you move your little tongue around your mouth to see what new sounds you can make. Your dad is such a good daddy and that makes me love him so so so much. He takes such good care of us, and doesn't mind doing all the work around the house after we get home from work so that you and I can be together and I can feed you and hold you, since I miss you so much while I'm at work. But he doesn't let me hog you, because he missed you too.

I love you Emmett boy. I hope to write you more letters like this, so when you're big you can read them and know all about what you were like as a baby. And you will see how much your mom and dad love you.