Currently A Pot of Boiling Water

Feeling like: A pot of boiling water. Like I'm being boiled from the outside in, and all of my flaws and struggles and insecurities are bubbling up to the surface. I'm recognizing so many things in myself that need work, and my mind races day and night with thoughts of things I want to fix and change and grow about myself. This seems to happen to me every few months. Out of nowhere I begin to see areas where I'm failing, or just not being the best that I can be. I get overwhelmed by the seemingly limitless list of my failures and anxiety takes me over for a day or two, and then I begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that these flaws and failings are being shown to me to help me grow. I want so badly to be better, always better. A better wife, a better mom, friend, person. 

I realized over the weekend, through conversation with a dear friend who always speaks truth to me, that the recent life changes I've been through are finally catching up with me. I went from being busy all the time with work and life outside of work to living a simple, slow and quiet life at home with Emmett. When I worked full time, I didn't have time to think about what I was doing wrong. I was just too busy. Now, I have endless time to think, to reflect, and to learn about myself. What a gift! But it's weighing on me also. 

I'm finding new ways to spend my time. I'm enjoying taking care of my family and our home. I'm trying to live simply, which means simplifying my own wants and needs. I'm clearing out the cobwebs in my mind and my heart and making room for a much simpler way of thinking and being. I want to garden, to cultivate and grow things that will benefit my family. I want to work, but to keep my work from affecting Emmett's life too much. I want to give all of myself to my family, and to our home, and to let go of my own selfish ways. That's what I want most. To let go, and just be, for my family.

Listening to: Music! As much of it as I can. I love music, but I haven't been listening to it very often these days. I used to listen to the radio or Spotify all day long at work, but at home I forget to turn it on. I decided to change that over the weekend, so music has been playing all the time. I used to say I didn't understand how people lose their grasp on good music when they become parents, but now I totally get it. So I'm working on not letting myself lose my good taste in music! 

I came into the garage the other day and found Emmett playing with his old toys. Ha!

The light in Emmett's playroom is so good. So, so good.

"Ride truck, mama!"

Thankful for: Our back yard. I spent Friday morning cutting back the rose bushes in our yard to make room for a garden, so I brought Emmett's teepee outside to keep him entertained while I work. Now I never want to take it back inside. We spent a lot of time outside this weekend, enjoying the beautiful weather and the ever-present shade in the backyard that will be a huge relief to us this summer. I am so thankful for this house, this backyard, this place to call our own. We love it so much.

Those little buns. He's such a little dream boat. After his bath Saturday night Emmett jumped up and ran outside before I could get him dressed. He loves to water the "plants" which are really just empty pots waiting to be planted, and seeing him naked with that watering can just reinforced all the things that are swimming through my head these days. He is worth all the work, all the changes, all the growing that I'm trying to do. God is planting seeds in my heart and my mind and it's up to me to water them and help them to grow into something good and beautiful. This little kid, with those squishy little perfect buns, is worth it.

I hope all of you had a great weekend! As always, I'm linking up with the lovely ladies at A Mama Collective to bring you this week's Currently. I hope you'll join us!

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Grow. My Word for 2014

I've chosen the word "grow" for 2014, because growth is on my heart. (I spoke a little bit about the growth I hope to see in our life in this next year in this post.) I want to grow into the woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend that I was made to be. I want to grow in selflessness and love. I want to challenge myself and learn and grow. 

I also want to grow our little family. That's a little bit scary for me to admit because, well, I'm scared. After our miscarriage in September, I don't have the confidence in my body and in my own plans for our future that I once did. I know now that I have no control over what's going to happen, but I trust that God has a plan. I know He put the desire for more children on my heart for a reason, and I know He loves me. So I am going to trust and wait and prepare my heart for whatever may come this year.

Our year started off on a really great note. I recently started a second job, writing from home. It's been a dream so far and I feel so blessed. Our little Emmett is healthy and beautiful and smart, and he's growing up so fast. The sort of growth that I wish I could slow down, just a little bit. ;) Ray and I are happy and in love and at peace. I love that man. He's a gentle, loving husband and father and we're so lucky to have him. 

It's going to be a great year. We will struggle, and there will be hard times, but I'm not afraid of them. We're strong and we've been through a lot already. When we struggle, we grow. So, bring it on, 2014. We're ready for you. 

I read this prayer at the funeral of a friend's father this morning and it struck me deep in my heart. I want this prayer to be my mantra this year:

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is doubt, faith. Where there is despair, hope. Where there is darkness, light. Where there is sadness, joy. 

O Divine Master; grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.