Currently.

Hi there! Welcome to Currently, where we share with each other what we are Currently up to and let you share your post through the link-up below. We love this link-up, where we can make new friends and build community. Join us.

Watching: I binge-watched my way through Suits, so I'm on the look-out for new shows to watch during nap times while I work. I'm catching up on Pretty Little Liars but it's shameful so I'd love suggestions! Ray and I watched the Game of Thrones finale last night and all I can say is YES! Team Tyrion all the way. And Jaime- way to redeem yourself you creepy weirdo! 

Also, we started Hannibal. It's so creepy, I wouldn't even recommend it to you unless you like crime dramas and detective stories like I do. Beware, there's so much blood and guts and insane serial killers. Not for the faint of heart, friends.

Listening to: Sylvan Esso. Allllll day long.

Thinking about: Faith. And having it, and needing it. We accepted an offer on our house this week. It's a great offer, and if all goes well it will close next month. The offer came at the height of my stress about money and worry about how we're going to get through this. I had a bit of an anxiety attack while we were going back and forth about whether or not to take the offer. But I should have seen it right away. Here I was full of worry and anxiety, letting the stress affect every part of my life, but I should have let go and let God take care of us. When the offer came, I should have known right away that this was our way out, that this was all part of His plan. I know it now, and I'm working hard to relax into faith in that plan. I believe in my heart that this deal will go through, and by the time summer is over, we will be down to one house. Woohooooooooo!

So thankful for: My baby boy, who's not a baby any more. He's talking so much, repeating everything. We call him a parrot and he repeats that too. He's giggly and happy and so much fun. We bought him a little potty over the weekend and he used it successfully on his first try, then stood right up and dumped it out on the carpet. He's wild and messy but I'm so proud of him! I get worn down from being in the house day in and day out with no one but Emmett for company, but when I get right down to it, I'm so grateful for all the time we spend together. I love that boy so much, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Also, for friends who trusted me enough to ask me to take their engagement photos. We spend Friday afternoon and evening together in downtown Phoenix, and after a while Ray came and met us for drinks and dinner. It was so nice to get out, explore a little, and spend time with Ray and our friends. And it was really great to push myself outside my comfort zone and take photographs of someone who's not.. well, Emmett. It was scary and fun and stressful, and I think I love the result! Once I'm done editing maybe I'll share them here. :)

Also, pizza:

Wishing: 
1. Still dieting, so I'm hoping to keep up with that this week. I'd like to lose a little weight and get in shape for our beach trip in a few weeks.
2. Work out! At least 3 times this week.
3. Take Emmett somewhere new one morning. We need to get out of the house and find new places to hang out!

I hope you had a lovely weekend!

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2. Link back to this site so others can join on this adventure with us. You can grab the button below:

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4. *THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE* We are each here to encourage each other and build a community of women and friends. Comment on the blog post directly before yours to help support and get to know each other. If you do not do this, your post will be deleted from the link-up.

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An InLinkz Link-up

Currently

Hi there! Welcome to Currently, where we share with each other what we are Currently up to and let you share your post through the link-up below. We love this link-up, where we can make new friends and build community. Join us.

Thinking about: Our weekend! We finally had Ray home for the entire weekend! We spent Saturday relaxing poolside, ignoring the dishes, and just hanging out as a family. It was just what I needed and Emmett seemed to really love having both of us around for an entire day. Sunday, we got to work. We cleaned everything, and finally hung things on our walls. We set up Emmett's room and made it a space we all love. It feels really good to finally put some time into this little rental of ours. Just having the one room put together makes me feel so much more at home. As we left the driveway on our way to the grocery store yesterday, I felt a lump in my throat looking at our little house. I love it here.

Thankful for: Every few months, I see a little glimpse of God working in our life. Last weekend I was so stressed about money and how we're going to get by until our house sells. And then Ray was given an opportunity to do some work for a friend, just a few hours a week after work or whenever he can fit it in. That little job is going to help us get through this, and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. God is taking care of us. We're going to be okay. 

I feel so incredibly blessed to have the two jobs that I have, to be working at home just a few hours a week, bringing in some income to help provide for our family. When I think back to where I was last year, and how hard things were because of my job, I'm overcome with gratitude. I never thought life could be like this for us, but God knew the desires of my heart and he opened up doors for me. 

Over the weekend a reader and sort of friend of a friend who I've never actually met before did something incredibly generous and kind. Out of the blue, she sent me tickets to Sea World. She'd read my Currently post from last week about how I wanted to take Emmett to San Diego for his birthday, but we just couldn't afford to go. So she bought our tickets to help make that little dream of mine a reality. Isn't that amazing? I still can't really believe it- what an incredibly thoughtful and generous thing to do for someone you hardly know. It made me realize that God really does want to give us the desires of our hearts. He knows what I want, even the little things, and He wants to give them to me. Those tickets to Sea World and the jobs are reminders that He has a plan for me, He loves me, and He will give me the things I want so desperately, in His own time.

I hope you had a lovely weekend! Once again, I'm joining with the ladies at A Mama Collective to bring you this week's installment of Currently.

CURRENTLY LINK-UP RULES

1. Link your Currently post below! Entries unrelated to the theme will be deleted.

2. Link back to this site so others can join on this adventure with us. You can grab the button below:

3. The link up starts on Mondays, but you can join any day of the week!

4. *THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE* We are each here to encourage each other and build a community of women and friends. :) Comment on the blog post directly before yours to help support and get to know each other. If you do not do this, your post will be deleted from the link-up.

A Mama Collective // facebook // twitter // instagram // pinterest // bloglovin'

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Blessings

My friend and her husband are trying to have a baby. She had a miscarriage a few months back and yearns to be pregnant again. I know the feeling.

When she otld me today that the period she thought she missed finally reared it's ugly head this morning, I knew how much she was hurting. I know that agony. That wishing and hoping, that longing deep in your heart, that waiting all month with bated breath, only to be let down. I know what it is to feel frustrated, discouraged, sad at your core. To feel deflated and ready to give up each month, all the while knowing that you never will.

I wanted to hug my friend, and to encourage her. I told her not to be discouraged. That I know in my heart that her time will come. That she will be a mother soon. That God has a beautiful plan for her. I wanted to give her the same advice my dad always gives me: We have to step out in faith, act in faith, do our part and know, feel and know with all our hearts that God will bless us and give us the desires of our hearts. The desires that He has laid on our hearts and wants to fulfill. He wants to bless us and love us, we just have to let Him. And to have faith.

I know the truth of that in my heart. I know that it's true for her. So why is it so hard to believe for myself? Each month when the tests come back negative and I'm fighting back tears, why don't I reach for that knowing, that safe place of faith and hope for the good things and blessings that are sure to come? Why do I linger in sadness and disappointment, rather than leaning on those same encouraging words that I give my friend?

There's a lesson in there for me. I believe that everything, every single tiny little thing, happens for a reason. I know that my friend leans on me because God is urging her to, because she blesses me so much just by talking to me about what she's going through. He's using her to teach me, to help me to grow in my own faith.

My dad told me this week that God's blessings are like low-hanging fruit. They are there within reach, ripe for the picking. We just have to step out in faith, to ask God to bless us. We just have to reach up and grab them. So why do I settle for scraps?

Currently. Co-Hosting My First Link-Up!

Reading: I've just finished the second to last Rebus novel. I'm really sad about the series ending, so in order to prolong the inevitable, I've decided to take a break. So, I'm about to start Loving the Little Years. Mary Beth recommended it in her recent vlog (so cute), so I'm sure it's really great. I'll let y'all know when I finish it
Thinking about: Every once in a while, I have a moment of clarity where I really see God's work in my life and understand his plan. Every few weeks it seems, something will happen that throws a wrench in our plans and pops my little bubble of peace. Like a babysitter will quit or a random bill will come in the mail. Things that seem like major (or minor) bumps in the road. These things happen, so we change our plans and re-think our finances and do our best to keep moving forward. Each time something like that comes up, I fight the anxiety that starts to bubble up in me because I know we will figure it out and that God will provide. I just know that to be true. And then after a few weeks of these bumps piling up, I have that moment, usually in the middle of the night or in the early morning hours as I lay in bed thinking where I start to see a pattern. I see how God has used those little bumps in the road to change our hearts and minds and to open us up to new possibilities and new opportunities that we wouldn't have recognized otherwise.

Occasionally I can see, plainly and obviously, where God is working in our life. That's a gift, a grace that's given to me to help me trust Him during the times when His plan is hidden and I feel like I'm in the dark. When things are hard and the bumps in the road keep coming, I need to remember the times when the road ahead is clearly laid out for me.

Watching: This video, over and over and over again! His sweet little voice just breaks my heart.


Animal Sounds from Anna Kate Keller on Vimeo.

Dreaming about: Our weekend! It was so good. We had a funeral and a wedding on Friday (not the first time that's happened to us in the last few months..) so Ray took the day off. Going to a funeral and then an wedding two hours later really threw me for a loop. That jump from sorrow for our friends to joy and excitement for other friends is quite a leap and left us feeling really worn out, but in a good way. There's nothing like watching your friends lay their father to rest to make you appreciate the people you love and the blessings in your own life.

The wedding was so so beautiful. The reception was in the middle of nowhere in the Arizona desert, surrounded by cactus. The weather was perfect, sunny and warm, and so many of our good friends were in town and gathered to celebrate. It was a really good night.

Saturday was sleepy and slow. Ray is sick and I was exhausted and recovering from the late night. Emmett came down with a cold over the weekend too so  he took a couple of long naps on Saturday. That doesn't happen often so Ray and I took advantage of the time alone and watched a few episodes of Justified. Bliss.

Sunday was nice and quiet too. Ray and I took down all of the Christmas decorations and our tree while Emmett napped. I was sad to see it all go but more than that, I was struck (again) by my husband and his selflessness and love for his family. The last few months have been good for us. We've been taken out of our comfort zones and it's brought us so much closer. I find myself falling in love with him in a new way. He is good and kind and gentle and he really loves us. He takes such good care of me and is the best dad to Emmett. He's absolutely my better half, and we are so blessed to have him.

Okay, enough gushing. Here are a few photos from our weekend!



Emmett asked to hold my hand for the first time ever on Friday. Heart, melted.

I have a major crush on the trees in our neighborhood lately. Have you noticed?

He's finally discovered pillows. He loves to lay down on anything soft lately, just chatting and snuggling.



My love affair with Saguaros continues.

Walking in to the reception venue.





His mother's son. He loves ricotta allllmost as much as I do. He'd eat it by the spoonful if I let him!

Linking up with Jenny & of course, the lovely ladies at A Mama Collective! 

 

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Blessings

I've been thinking a lot about what I said (typed) the other day. I've realized that I was focusing on the negative things that have happened the last few months, and not giving enough thought to the blessings we've experienced. So, I'm going to re-tell the story, with a new perspective.

After a year + of working full-time, and spending so much time away from Emmett, I was given the unexpected opportunity to stay home part time. This opportunity presented itself as a seemingly negative out-of-the-blue how-are-we-gonna-get-through-this surprise, but almost immediately I saw it for the blessing-in-disguise that it really was. It's been a huge gift to our family in so many ways and I'm incredibly thankful for this change.

After being open to another baby for months, we became pregnant with our second child in August. I carried him for 8 short but beautiful weeks before he went to heaven to wait for us. I loved those weeks with him, and I'm so grateful for that time. Once the problems began, so many friends and family members and even strangers began to pray for us, and we experienced so much joy and peace during those weeks. After I lost the baby, I experienced an outpouring of love and grace thanks to all of the prayers, cards, text messages, and emails sent to me by all of the people who love me. I encountered so many women who've experienced the loss of a child, and I knew that I wasn't alone. So many of you reached out to me to let me know that I'd be okay, and that you were praying for us. I feel so loved and so blessed by all of you.

We've struggled with finding the perfect child-care for Emmett as long as we've had him. Every time we get into a good routine, something changes and we find ourselves searching once again for the perfect solution. When Lucia moved home, we knew we wanted to put Emmett into a daycare-type situation part time so that he could spend time with other children, and we ended up finding a place that we really really love. It's a pre-school run by a church just down the street from our house. They take infants up to 5 years old, and Emmett has really grown to love it. He's excited to go in the mornings and he's playing happily right until I scoop him up to take him home in the afternoon. I love his teachers and all of the staff and really couldn't be happier with the whole program. This has been such an enormous relief for me! It makes going to work so much easier, and I know God is using that place to bless me and many other families.

A few weeks ago, we moved in with Ray's parents, which has been hard and humbling in a lot of ways. But it's also been a huge blessing. It's taken a big financial weight off of our shoulders, allowed us to relax a little bit, and has given me the freedom to work part time and spend the rest of my time at home with Emmett. It's allowed us to spend more time with family which I know is a huge gift for Emmett, and it's helped us to simplify our life. We are in a much smaller space than we're used to, so we've scaled down our possessions and life just seems simpler now.

Before my hours were cut, we were always in a rush. We rushed to get ready each morning and then flew out the door just in time to get Emmett to school and then sped to get to work on time. We rushed home in the evenings in time to throw dinner together and spend a few measly minutes with Emmet before we rushed through his bedtime routine and put him down to sleep. Everything we did was rushed and stressed and exhausting. Now, we can relax. We have time to spend together, time to talk to each other and listen to each other and time to just be as a family. We play with Emmett and watch him learn and love every single minute of it. We don't have to worry about making dinner every night because we have dinner with Ray's family most evenings. What a blessing.

While the last few months have been so hard and have stretched us and forced us to change our plans and our minds over and over again, we've also been blessed in so many beautiful ways. We are being forced to trust in God and in His plan for our life, but He's given us the grace and the peace that we've needed as well. He's holding us in His hands, and we feel that every day. We are blessed y'all, and we can't wait to see what comes next.

A Good Lesson

Lately in my life, God isn't allowing me to get comfortable. After the turmoil and general unsettled-ness of our first year with little Emmett, I felt like we'd entered into a fairly comfortable, though stressful (working full time, etc) routine. Emmett was sleeping relatively consistently, we had a plan in order for when my sister moved home to Georgia, and we were starting to save money.

And then I found out I was pregnant. We hadn't been trying exactly, but we'd decided that we were open to another baby whenever God decided to give us one. At first I was scared, worried about how we were going to make it all work. I was afraid of having to work full time with two babies, because my experience with working so much during Emmett's first year was just, so difficult. But after a few hours the fear fell away and was replaced by excitement. I was so happy. Ray was just happy right away- he knew that everything would be okay and we would make it work.

We began to plan for our future. We had long conversations about what we wanted to do and where we wanted to be. We decided that we were going to begin really planning ahead, and start making decisions about our future. Would we stay in Arizona or move to Georgia to be closer to my family? In Georgia, we could afford for me to work less, so for the first time in our marriage, we started considering a move.

And then I started bleeding, and after three long weeks I miscarried. In the middle of all of that heartache and confusion and pain, my boss cut my hours at work in half. All of our plans- our growing family, thoughts of moving, our immediate plans for Emmett's daycare (my sister moved home the week I lost little Oliver), and our financial future were all up in the air again. Everything we were planning changed.

We began to heal and move forward. We changed our plans, and scrambled to move out of our house and put it on the market. We moved in with Ray's parents. We put Emmett into daycare part time and slowly started to settle into a routine again. I've really loved being home with Emmett part time. We've started to see our friends more and have felt more a part of a community in the last month or so than we have since having Emmett. Things have been peaceful.

Then a couple of weeks ago, my boss came to me and asked me to come back to work full time. Once again, I was faced with life-altering decisions. I love being home with Emmett more. It's been a dream come true for me, and I've seen so much good fruit come out of it. He's more peaceful. He's more secure and generally happier now that he isn't afraid I'm going to leave all the time. I knew in my heart that going back to work full time just wasn't an option, but I was (and am) afraid that I would lose my job if I turned down the offer to work full time. In the end I chose part time, and I'm happy with the decision I made.

God is keeping us on our toes. He isn't letting me stay comfortable for long. He's stretching me, teaching me. Each time some new issue arises, I fight. I vent and complain and gnash my teeth. I forget that I'm supposed to trust Him. That's the lesson he's trying to teach me- Trust Him. He has a plan for our family, we just can't see it yet. We won't live in my in-law's garage apartment forever. For now, I am so grateful that my in-laws have a garage apartment for us to live in. We are so lucky and so loved, and I am so grateful that I'm able to spend more time with my son these days.

I just need to trust. Everything will work out just as it's supposed to.

Oliver Keller

We buried our baby this morning. His name is Oliver Keller.

The Diocese of Phoenix owns a beautiful cemetery and mortuary here in Gilbert, just down the road from us. Queen of Heaven has a burial program for miscarried and unborn babies, absolutely free of charge to the families. All of the babies are buried together in a beautiful spot beneath a beautiful statue of the Holy Family. Isn't that amazing?

I've never heard of a program like this anywhere else. Our doctor encouraged us to go through with the burial and I am so thankful that he did. It was such a wonderful gift. Queen of Heaven lets you plan the service, with no guidelines or rules, and encourages you to do whatever makes you and your family comfortable. We chose to spend some time with the baby under the shade of a big, old tree, as a family. We read a couple of scripture passages and then Ray carried Oliver in his tiny little casket to the place he is buried and placed him in the ground. Emmett helped to put some flowers in his grave and then we all helped to bury him.

It was such a gift. That's the recurring thought running through my head today. What a gift. My doctor and his staff have been such a gift to me during this time. The kind and gentle people at Queen of Heaven were such a gift to us during the planning process. The burial itself was a special gift that I will treasure forever. My husband and my little Emmett are gifts in my life that I've opened all over again because of this loss, and our sweet little Oliver is a gift for all of us.

I feel so blessed to have had him, growing in me, for a few short weeks. I learned so much from him, and I know that will continue. I loved him so much while I had him, and love him so much still.

One of the scriptures we read today was Psalm 118:17:
I shall not die, but live, and proclaim the works of the Lord.

I wrote a little letter to my Oliver today, to say aloud at his funeral service:

"Little Oliver,

My dad gave me that passage when I was so afraid of losing you. He told me to hold on to it, to make it my mantra, and I did. When he gave it to me we were talking about hope, still praying and hoping that I would carry you to full term and you would be born a healthy, perfect baby boy. But I think my dad knew that this scripture would help me if we lost you, too.

Even though your little body has died, I know that you live on in heaven with Jesus. And you do proclaim the works of the Lord, to me. You've given me a renewed Faith. You've given me new love and appreciation for your daddy and for Emmett, and everyone we love. I know God gave you to me, to care for you for a short time, and I know He is keeping you safe now, in heaven. I know you're waiting for me there, and because of that you have brought me closer to heaven. Your short little life has given me so much little Oliver.

I will always be your mama, I will always love you, and I will never forget you."

Until yesterday, I hadn't planned on sharing his name with anyone. I wanted it to be private, for only Ray and Emmett and I. I wanted to hold his little name in my heart, and only to hear it spoken in our home, within our family. And then yesterday I had to go to the office of Vital Records to obtain a fetal death certificate in order to bury the baby. I heard the woman who helped me say his name out loud. Oliver Keller. And I burst into tears. It hit me then that no one else would ever say his name. No one else will know about him unless I share his story with them. And so I decided not to keep him for myself, but to give his name away to all of you, so that you'll know it and remember him along with me.

After the burial we got to ride in a golf cart. So fun!

After the service we went across the street to a little pumpkin patch to let Emmett run around. He loved it and it was nice to be outside, watching him have fun. 

Aren't these two cuties just too much in their matching shirts??

It's a beautiful day here in Arizona. Another little gift from God. This afternoon we will celebrate the marriage of our friends. What a wonderful reminder that life moves on, so fast, and there is so much beauty in the world. I will cherish this morning forever.

Hope

Today was a good day. I woke up early, spent a few minutes in prayer before everyone else woke up. I had a beautiful and uplifting text from my brother Micah waiting for me, as well as emails and messages from family and friends letting me know they were praying for us. That set the tone for our morning- we were peaceful and happy and calm. I expected to be a mess but instead I felt happy. I think all of your prayers gave that to me, so thank you.

The ultrasound was hard. The waiting room was full of beautiful pregnant women, some with older children, some there to find out the sex of their babies and there were lots of smiling faces. That made the waiting easier. We told the ultrasound tech everything that we've been experiencing the last few weeks and he was kind and understanding. While he did the ultrasound he and the nurse didn't say anything, and that was hard. We weren't sure what we were seeing, but we knew there was no heartbeat.

Straight away after the ultrasound they took us in to another exam room and said the doctor wanted to see us. We were still thinking this was molar, still expecting the worst and braced for it. I broke down and cried for a few minutes, and Ray held me and comforted me, and then we were strong together. After a few minutes the doctor came in with our beloved nurse, and said the magic words: "We see a baby."

There was no heartbeat, but the doctor said the baby is barely measuring at 6 weeks, and is just on the cusp of when we normally begin to see a heartbeat. We didn't have my chart available to say for sure when we conceived, and I was in shock so I didn't think to try to remember the dates myself. I didn't think to ask a lot of the questions I wish I'd asked- I had prepared for worse news than this so I didn't think of questions for this scenario beforehand. He told us what to expect in case we do miscarry, but he said he's not sure that we will. He said there is hope, but prepared me for a miscarriage as well.

They took blood to check my hormone levels again. If my progesterone has plummeted we'll know to expect a miscarriage, but we won't get the labs back until Monday. The doctor told me he's seen women with much heavier bleeding than I'm experiencing go on to have healthy pregnancies and carry their babies to full term. The nurse was full of similar stories.

I am so relieved that we have a baby. A little soul to love and hold on to, either here with us or in heaven. I know there's a good chance we will miscarry, and the next few days and weeks could be very hard. I'm preparing myself for that. But we also have hope. Beautiful, merciful, incredible hope. So I'm choosing to hold on to hope, to pray for this little baby in my belly, for a miracle. I'm choosing to hope, even though it may mean more let down and more pain in the end. I'm choosing hope, because I want this baby and I love this baby and I know that God loves me, even more than my mama heart can imagine. He'll take care of me, and my tiny little angel baby, and He's holding us tight tonight.

Working Mom Gets Her Wish

Linking up with Corinna, keeping it real as real gets.

I've complained enough about work on this blog for ya'll to know that I've struggled a lot with work this Summer. This year, really. I struggle every day with leaving Emmett at home with someone else for most of his day, and most days it's been really hard.

Ray and I have talked and talked about what to do, if anything. We needed my income, so I had to work, but I've been desperate for some other way to make it work. Some way to be able to spend more time with Emmett while still helping to provide for my family. We thought and prayed and struggled through each day, but no solution presented itself.

Then a couple of weeks ago I started spotting, and thought I was losing my baby. I called in to work and let my boss know, and he told me to take a few days off to rest, they would all pitch in and take care of my work for me. I took three days off, and then headed to Georgia for Labor Day weekend. When I came back to work last week, my boss called me in to a meeting to tell me they were cutting my hours back from 40+ to 20 hours a week. They said they needed to save money, and I guess they realized while I was gone that they could survive without me. After the shock wore off, I found myself feeling totally relieved. I felt the stress and pressure I'd been dealing with all Summer just lift off my shoulders, and I relaxed, for the first time in months. This was an answer to prayer.

I told Ray and he and his family jumped in to action. They looked at our house and the comps in the neighborhood and realized that we can sell it, after years of being under water, for what my husband paid for it. My in-laws offered to let us move in with them to save money until we decide what to do next. Not ideal, but definitely do-able for a time. We felt peaceful by the end of the day, and I still felt relieved.

Things still seem to be pretty weird at work and there is a lot to work out, but I hope in the end this all ends up being a blessing in disguise. Already I've loved spending my afternoons at home with Emmett, and I've been able to rest and take care of myself while we try to figure out if baby number 2 is going to be okay.

I've been going to the doctor for blood work every couple of days, and so far my HCG levels continue to rise, so little baby seems to be doing okay. We have an ultrasound on Friday, and I'm desperately looking forward to seeing that tiny little heartbeat. My spotting turned to full-on bleeding over the weekend so it's been hard not to panic and worry and stress, but I feel peaceful too. I have faith that God gave me this little baby for a reason, and I know He's taking care of us.

The thing is, as I sit here tonight, very obviously coming down with a cold, pregnant and bleeding and half as employed as I was last week, I feel peace. I should feel discouraged, under attack, and anxious. There is fear, and worry, and hurt and so much still to be determined, but mostly there is peace.

I know everything will turn out as it's supposed to, and I know I would do anything for my family, and for this little tiny baby struggling to grow inside me. I am a wife, and a mother, and that's all I ever wanted to be.

A New Little

The last few weeks have been crazy y'all. So much has happened, and I haven't shared any of it here because I didn't think I should, and then I didn't know how, and then I thought it was just too soon. I'm terrible at secrets though, and I don't like keeping them, so here goes!

A few weeks ago, Ray and I found out we are pregnant! We decided when Emmett was 9 months old that we were open to having another baby, but I was (am) still breastfeeding, so I didn't get my cycle back until July, one year after Emmett was born. When we found out I was excited and so happy, but the joy I felt was tinged with fear and anxiety. I was worried about the baby, wanting so badly to provide a perfect environment for him (or her.. but probably him) to grow and thrive and be healthy. And I was worried about our future, about how we're going to afford another baby and about how everything will work out.

Then last Monday night just before bed, I noticed a tiny bit of spotting. I didn't think much of it at the time, but mentioned it to Ray and he told me I should call the doctor in the morning. I wasn't too worried, and went right to sleep that night. I saw more spotting in the morning, so I called the doctor first thing. They asked me to come in right away, so Ray and I called into work and hurried to the doctor's office. I was scared, but still not too worried. A friend of ours works as a PA at our OB's office, and we were lucky that she happened to have an opening that morning. She did an exam and found that my cervix was closed and they couldn't see any bleeding. We did an ultrasound, but couldn't see very much. I forgot to bring my NFP chart with me, so I gave them the date of my last period (my first since before conceiving Emmett), and they estimated that I was about 6 weeks along. I could tell they were worried that we weren't seeing much on the ultrasound, but they tried to reassure me that it is just too early. They drew blood and sent us home. I called in to work and asked for a personal day. I had to take care of a few urgent things from home, but I was in a sort of daze and just needed to be home with Emmett.

The next day I woke up to more spotting, heavier than before. I called the doctor and they told me to come in. I was so afraid that day. I thought I was losing this baby, and felt so fragile and lonely. I called my boss to let him know what was going on, and Ray and I headed to the doctor. My boss was really great about it. He told me to take a few days off and not to worry about work. They would all pitch in and take care of my accounts while I was out. When we arrived they had my labs back. My HCG levels looked good, but my progesterone was really low. They called in a prescription for progesterone and I started to take that right away. The progesterone made me really groggy and totally zapped my energy, but I wanted to do anything I could to keep this baby and to help my body do what it needed to do. They scheduled another ultrasound for Friday and sent us home.

The next day, Thursday, I woke up to more spotting. I called the doc and they told me to come in for another blood test. Ray was already at work so I went on my own. When I got there I sat down to have my blood drawn. My friend the PA, who happens to be about 36 weeks pregnant, knew that I was there, so she came out to see how I was doing. She was kind and gentle and I was so afraid. I broke down in that chair and she squatted down next to me, big belly and all, and rubbed my back while I cried. She told me that I would be okay, and that they were all praying for me. I looked up to see the nurses and the girls at the front desk watching me and I knew that they were praying for me then. I could see that they felt my pain and that they really, truly cared, and I felt reassured. We decided to order my labs to come back that afternoon. That way if the baby had stopped growing, I wouldn't have to go through the ultrasound the next day. As I left, the sweet nurse held my hand and told me not to be afraid, but to have faith. It felt like a lightbulb went off when she said that. "Oh yeah," I thought, "I'm supposed to have faith." I wasn't supposed to be afraid, I was supposed to believe that God had a plan for me, and for my baby, and I needed to have faith that He would take care of us, no matter what happened.

I went home and tried to rest and stay calm. I felt like I had been in a black hole all week, lost in the darkness and fear and closed off to the world. I wouldn't let anyone in, hardly even Ray, because I felt so vulnerable and fragile. I was afraid that one wrong word from anyone would break me. That afternoon I felt a little stronger, but I was still so afraid. The PA called late that afternoon to let me know that my hormone levels had risen since the last test, which meant baby was still growing. She also told me that she got a look at my NFP chart and realized that I ovulated pretty late in my cycle, and we conceived much later than I had previously thought, so she didn't think I was as far along as we had thought. Oh NFP, you are wonderful! After seeing that, she said she felt so much better about the ultrasound, and about my low progesterone. We expected to see more because we thought I was close to 6 weeks, but it turns out we were barely even to 5 weeks. If I hadn't been charting, we never would have known that I ovulated late, and would have been so much more worried.

The next morning Ray and I went in for our second ultrasound. I felt good that morning, less afraid, and even a little bit optimistic. My friend the PA wasn't in that day, so we saw the doctor. He is gentle and kind and positive, so he was a blessing to us that day. The ultrasound was positive. We saw some growth, although we still couldn't see a heartbeat. We repeated my blood work and left feeling uplifted.

That night Emmett and I took the red-eye to Georgia to spend the long weekend with my family at the beach. The flight was AWFUL (more on that later!), but the trip was wonderful. I was able to relax and rest and had so much fun with my family. I miss them so much!! Emmett loved the beach and loved my dad and everyone. It was such a great weekend.

The spotting never stopped, but Monday and Tuesday it slowed down a whole lot and I felt pretty great. The nurse called me Tuesday to let me know that my labs from Friday looked great, everything was going up, and I could stop taking the progesterone. We left the beach on Monday and spent a couple of days in my hometown seeing family and friends, and then flew home yesterday. I noticed yesterday that my spotting seemed to be heavier and more steady, and then this morning it was even heavier. I called the doctor first thing and they asked me to come in. I saw my friend again for an exam and more blood work. She told me my labs have all been really great, so the baby seems to be healthy, but the spotting is definitely something to worry about. She noticed that my thyroid is enlarged on one side, so I will have an ultrasound of my thyroid done next week and they ordered a test of my thyroid levels along with the HCG and progesterone. They got my hormone labs back this afternoon- my HCG is still going up, but my progesterone was low again so I am back on that once a day. We'll find out about my thyroid levels next week.

I feel so much better now, just knowing the baby is still growing, and having a possible answer for the spotting in my thyroid. Through all of this I learned that in times of fear and stress and hopelessness, I need to cling to faith, to hope, and to the knowledge that God will hold me and protect me and keep me safe, no matter what.

I know most people don't share news like this until much later on in the pregnancy, but like I said, I'm terrible at secrets. It feels good to let it go, to not be clutching my fear to my chest like a security blanket anymore. I'm letting go of the worry and the stress and letting God take care of us, as He always does.