April 24, 2014

I made a cake to mark the passing of this day. My little Oliver's due date.

I wanted to do something to celebrate that little life we held for such a short time. So I baked a cake, and took my time on it. As I mixed the ingredients I thought about the baby I'll never get to hold in this life, waiting for me up in heaven. I'm sure there are tears mixed in with the batter. And I thought about this year, and everything our little family has been through.

My heart is full, even as it's breaking a little bit today. I miss that little baby, that tiny life that would have been. My head is spinning thinking about what our life would be like if I'd been able to carry him to term. We'd be expecting a baby any time now, folding tiny clothes and talking to Emmett about the little brother he's about to meet. I've cried so many tears thinking about all the things we're missing today. But I'm also grateful.

I'm grateful for my husband, who loves me unconditionally. Who stands by me and holds my hand and kisses my forehead for no reason at all. I'm thankful for my Emmett, who's all my dreams come true. That boy has filled my life to the brim. I miss my little Oliver, but my heart is full.

I'm so thankful God chose me to be his mama, even for just a few short weeks. He changed my life.

We planned a trip to the cemetery after Ray got home from work, but it seemed the world was against us. The freeway was closed, and our car wouldn't start (dead battery). I cried fat tears of disappointment. Then Ray said we should get up and go first thing Saturday morning. "He probably would have been born late anyway, like Emmett," he said with a smile and that brightened me right up. Ray was right, as always. It's not about today, it's about remembering our loss, our baby boy. It's about doing something as a family to show our Oliver that we haven't forgotten him, that we love him. So after a while, we charged the car and went for a burger.

When I woke up this morning, I was happy. It felt like a bright, new day, full of possibility and wonder. Emmett woke up with a croupy cough, so we didn't go to our friend's house to babysit like we do every Thursday. It was nice to have a day here at home, just Emmett and I, to play and just be together. I think that was a little gift from my Oliver.