Will I Get To Keep You?

A letter to my littlest love, when I was most afraid of losing him (or her):

Wednesday, August 28th.

Dear sweet tiny tiny baby, growing inside my belly,

Today we are waiting to find out if you are growing, becoming strong and healthy. I am spotting, and I am so scared. We saw the doctor yesterday, and had an ultra sound, but you were too small to see. So small and fragile, I'm trying so hard to provide a perfect environment for you to grow. They drew my blood to test my hormone levels, and my HCG was right where it should be. I'm holding on to that with a vice grip, hoping and praying with all my might that you are growing and thriving in there. My Progesterone levels are really low though, which could mean..

Sweet little angel, I want you so badly. I want to hold you one day, to kiss your tiny cheeks and look into your tiny litte eyes and memorize every tiny little detail of your perfect, strong little body. I love you little one, please keep growing for your mama.

I'm trying not to lose heart. I'm trying so hard to believe that you are going to be okay, that you're going to grow up, big and strong, to fill my little mama's heart up to bursting, like your big brother has done.

I wanted to write to you the day I found out you were growing inside me. I wanted to but I didn't because I thought, I'll have this little baby forever, there's no hurry. I was so happy that day. So scared, because I knew I had a huge responsibility to take care of you and build a life for you and I wanted so badly to make everything perfect before you came out into the world. But I was so thrilled, so excited. When I told your daddy he was so happy. Another baby! he said. Another baby. Another baby.

We love you little one. Keep growing for us. Keep growing. We promise to love you so much, forever. Please be okay sweet angel.