100th Post!: Why I Blog

For my 100th post (!), I thought I would tell y'all why I write this little blog.

When I began the blog, almost 2 years ago, I was newly married, newly pregnant, and living in Arizona, far away from my family. I wanted a place to share our new life together, to document my pregnancy, and to post a million pictures for my mom. I never expected anyone to read it (except my mom of course), so I started writing for myself right from the beginning. I wrote about the sweet little baby growing inside me, about my experience with pregnancy, and immediately began to feel like I was a part of a community of women sharing about this time in our lives. I loved that.

I began to love this little space of mine. It gave me a place to document all of the things we were doing. It gave me a place to share our life with others. And most importantly, it gave me a place to come and unwind, to open up, and to relax at the end of a long day. It has become a peaceful place for me. Where I go to share my heart. It is my therapy.

I've written things on this blog that I haven't ever said out loud. Letters to my son that I (and he, hopefully) will cherish forever. Musings on this amazing scary wild and wonderful new role as a mother. Daily heartache I experienced as a full-time working mama. And most recently, sharing about my sweet Oliver has helped me through the grieving process in ways that I can't even explain. Sharing these things with you has done so much good for me.

I've come to realize that I blog because I need to. Because I love to. This is where I open my heart and my mind and let all of the love and pain and joy and sadness pour out so that it doesn't boil over inside me. I hope whoever reads this blog enjoys it, feels encouraged or less alone or understood because of what I write here. I hope it brings some good to the world. But even if not, it makes me better to share my life with you. This little blog has enriched my life in so many ways already in these two short years, and I can't wait to see where it brings me next.

Every few months I go back and read some of my old posts and I am so blessed by them. It's amazing to read what was running through my head when I was pregnant, falling in love with my little man before I had even met him. It's amazing to read about those first few weeks with him. There are so many things that I forget, so I'm happy to have these old posts to remind me of the little things that have happened in our life. I hope one day Emmett will read this blog and see how much I loved him. When he's a teenager torturing me with his angst I plan to pull this up and show him so he'll be nice to me again. :) I would give anything to have access to my mom's thoughts when she was pregnant with me, after I was born and during my childhood. How amazing would that be?

So these are a few of the reasons why I blog. There are more, and I know over time I will discover new reasons. I hope you enjoy reading what I write here. I hope my silly little blog blesses you (at least a fraction) as much as it blesses me.

On Motherhood

Sometimes, a lot of times, motherhood isn't pretty. It's hard, and dirty, and brings out the fighter in you. Sometimes there is loss, and pain, and so much heartache. But it's also beautiful. Even the ugly is beautiful.

From the very beginning, it isn't pretty. Your body starts to do all these weird things right away. Sure, pregnancy is beautiful, but so much about it isn't pretty. And then you give birth: blood and sweat and pain and fear all culminating in the most beautiful moment of your life. The moment you meet that perfect little angel who steals your heart away forever.

You begin to breastfeed, which is one of the biggest struggles in early motherhood for most women. I spent so much of my time topless, chapped, bleeding nipples and plenty of tears. Not pretty. Eventually you master it, and even when it's hard it's a beautiful thing to feed your baby and love him that way. But it's not always pretty. There are dirty diapers and so much laundry and you have to rely on help from others in a way you never have before.

You don't get any sleep. The dark circles under your eyes and the zombie look on your face after particularly hard nights aren't pretty, at all. Neither are the curses you mutter under your breath when it's 2 am and you've already been up 4 times with a teething baby. But it's beautiful and wonderful to soothe your hurting child, to hold him and nurse him and have him all to yourself in the quiet night hours. You watch him sleep and your heart swells and those curses evaporate because it's all so beautiful. And in the morning he's so happy it hurts your heart to see him smile like that and you know you'd spend a million sleepless nights just to see that smile in the morning.

There are days when you question every decision you make. Everything feels wrong and you second guess yourself at every turn. You feel so inadequate and beat yourself up and wear yourself down. There are days when your baby is sick and needs all of your attention. You need to fold the laundry and do the dishes and make dinner but he just needs you so you can't get anything done. You fight it and try to handle everything but then you realize you're not doing anything well so you give up and give in and give your baby all of you. And then you know you are right where you should be, doing just what you should have been doing all along. Nothing is as important as this, just loving your baby and making him laugh through his tears.

The other day I packed the car with laundry to take to my in-laws to dry (our dryer is broken). Emmett was playing with Bagel on the patio while I loaded the car. He let out a loud cry and I ran to him and pulled his little finger from the gate where it was trapped. I opened our gate and Bagel ran out, and took off towards the main road. I snatched Emmett up, screaming from the tiny cut on his finger, and spent half an hour chasing the dog through our neighborhood. We finally got the dog and brought him home, so we climbed in the car and took off.

Just as I pulled out of the drive way the car started beeping like crazy telling me the coolant is low (we have a leak). I pulled back in, baby screaming, dog barking, and grabbed the hose to fill a jug of water. I turned the spigot and water shot out of the hose, all over my freshly blow-dried hair (a rare occurrence) and clothes. Curses. I put water in the car and drove to my in-laws, carried Emmett and 3 loads of wet laundry inside. As I leaned over the dryer to shove the laundry in, Emmett hugged my legs screaming for me to pick him up. My sunglasses fell from my head and stuck in my hair, blocking my vision and yanking out 12 hairs all at once. All I could think was that this is motherhood. This awful moment, me at my worst, being pulled in a few too many different directions, summed it up perfectly. It isn't pretty. It's hard, and exhausting, and not even a little bit glamorous.

It's not always like that. There are moments where everything is so perfect, you're so happy you could burst, and you wouldn't change a thing. Those moments are usually sandwiched between a dirty diaper and a tantrum, but they're worth the tough bits. It's all beautiful. It's motherhood, the most important thing you'll ever do, and it's beautiful.

Linking up with Wild & Precious!

Halloween Costume Ideas

I made the mistake this morning of clicking into Amazon's Halloween costume shop... Commence the drooling and the happy tears from all the cute ever!

Here are some of my favorites:

Isn't this the cutest little lion??

Oh my gosh how cute is this little mouse for a baby girl?

Emmett would hate me if I tried to put him in this one. He wants to run freeeeeee! But it's so precious for a tiny baby! Especially Nemo fans. ;)

 
 Emmett is really into cows y'all. He can spot a cow from a mile away, and walks around all day saying "moooooooo". He has a big cow print from Ikea that he says hello to first thing every morning. It's really adorable. So when I saw this cow costume I almost died! It's so dang cute! I think we'll have to get him this one. If it's cold out I'll put little black leggings and a long sleeved t-shirt under it, but I'm hoping it's warm enough that he can wear it on it's own. Can't wait!!