Tomorrow We'll Know

Thoughts, as I try to prepare for our ultrasound tomorrow:

We had blood work done on Monday, and for the first time, my HCG levels didn't double the way they should have. They were still in the "normal" range, but lower than they should be. My doctor noticed that my thyroid is enlarged last week, so she also checked my thyroid levels this time. They showed that my thyroid is over-active, which is the opposite of what the doc expected to see.

When she called me on Tuesday to tell me the results, she said that my hormone levels were all normal, but that the slightly lower than ideal HCG level was making her worry. She said that it seems like something "weird" is happening with this pregnancy, and mentioned something called a "molar pregnancy". She explained what that means but I couldn't really take it in on the phone.

A molar pregnancy is when an egg is fertilized and tissue grows, but instead of becoming a baby, it becomes an abnormal mass. Your body believes it is pregnant, so you experience all of the symptoms of early pregnancy. Until eventually you start to see other symptoms that aren't normal- spotting/bleeding, intense nausea, hyperthyroidism. Check, check, check.

We don't know for sure that's what's happening with me yet, but all of the pieces fit. So, tomorrow's ultrasound will show us one of three things: a healthy baby with a beating heart, a baby with no heartbeat, or a mass of tissue that never was a baby at all.

I haven't told anyone about this yet, except our parents. I can't bring myself to say the words out loud or even in a text message. Somehow telling people makes it real and the horror in my head becomes reality. I'm not sure why writing about it here is easier for me, it just is.

I'm trying to hope for the best and brace for the worst, but to be honest I'm just expecting the worst. I can't get past those words- abnormal mass of tissue. Benign tumor. Not a baby. How am I supposed to wrap my head around this?

How am I supposed to trust my body after this? How can this possibly be part of God's plan for me, for my family? How am I supposed to face my family and friends who are excited and praying for our little baby? What if there never even was a baby?

These last few weeks feel like a cruel, evil joke. Trouble at work causing us to completely rethink our lifestyle, on top of intense fear and anxiety and sadness over possibly losing our little angel, and now this. I just want to run and hide and never have to face that exam room tomorrow. I don't know if I can handle what I think we're going to see on that tv screen. We'll be in the same room where we first saw Emmett's little heart beating. Where we first knew for sure he would be a little boy. I'm terrified.

Part of me is still hoping for a miracle. I want so badly to see a heartbeat, a little fighter working hard to keep growing despite everything my body is telling me. But most of me knows it'll be bad news. So keep us in your prayers tomorrow. We're gonna need them, no matter what we see on that screen.