Hope

Today was a good day. I woke up early, spent a few minutes in prayer before everyone else woke up. I had a beautiful and uplifting text from my brother Micah waiting for me, as well as emails and messages from family and friends letting me know they were praying for us. That set the tone for our morning- we were peaceful and happy and calm. I expected to be a mess but instead I felt happy. I think all of your prayers gave that to me, so thank you.

The ultrasound was hard. The waiting room was full of beautiful pregnant women, some with older children, some there to find out the sex of their babies and there were lots of smiling faces. That made the waiting easier. We told the ultrasound tech everything that we've been experiencing the last few weeks and he was kind and understanding. While he did the ultrasound he and the nurse didn't say anything, and that was hard. We weren't sure what we were seeing, but we knew there was no heartbeat.

Straight away after the ultrasound they took us in to another exam room and said the doctor wanted to see us. We were still thinking this was molar, still expecting the worst and braced for it. I broke down and cried for a few minutes, and Ray held me and comforted me, and then we were strong together. After a few minutes the doctor came in with our beloved nurse, and said the magic words: "We see a baby."

There was no heartbeat, but the doctor said the baby is barely measuring at 6 weeks, and is just on the cusp of when we normally begin to see a heartbeat. We didn't have my chart available to say for sure when we conceived, and I was in shock so I didn't think to try to remember the dates myself. I didn't think to ask a lot of the questions I wish I'd asked- I had prepared for worse news than this so I didn't think of questions for this scenario beforehand. He told us what to expect in case we do miscarry, but he said he's not sure that we will. He said there is hope, but prepared me for a miscarriage as well.

They took blood to check my hormone levels again. If my progesterone has plummeted we'll know to expect a miscarriage, but we won't get the labs back until Monday. The doctor told me he's seen women with much heavier bleeding than I'm experiencing go on to have healthy pregnancies and carry their babies to full term. The nurse was full of similar stories.

I am so relieved that we have a baby. A little soul to love and hold on to, either here with us or in heaven. I know there's a good chance we will miscarry, and the next few days and weeks could be very hard. I'm preparing myself for that. But we also have hope. Beautiful, merciful, incredible hope. So I'm choosing to hold on to hope, to pray for this little baby in my belly, for a miracle. I'm choosing to hope, even though it may mean more let down and more pain in the end. I'm choosing hope, because I want this baby and I love this baby and I know that God loves me, even more than my mama heart can imagine. He'll take care of me, and my tiny little angel baby, and He's holding us tight tonight.